The Fearless Leader Blog

Redefining “Lazy”: A New Leadership Standard for Ambitious Women

Wed, 15 Apr 2026 21:25:15 GMT

Many high-achieving professionals—especially women—learn early on that their value is tied to productivity.

Somewhere along the way, many of us learned a dangerous equation:

If I’m not producing, I’m being lazy.

If I’m resting, I’m falling behind.

If I slow down, I lose my edge.

Recently, a client said something that stopped me in my tracks.

She shared how hard it is for her to relax… to take time for herself… even to attend a retreat designed to nourish and restore her.

Why? Because deep down, she worries:

“What if that means I’m being lazy?”

And in her world—shaped by a childhood of high expectations, strong work ethic, and a drive for excellence—lazy is not just a word.

It’s a judgment.

A threat.

Something to avoid at all costs.

So she keeps going.

Doing.

Producing.

Achieving.

Even when her body—and her spirit—are asking for something else.

When a Strength Becomes a Limitation

Let’s be clear:

That drive? That discipline? That commitment to excellence?

It served her. I t likely helped her succeed, achieve, and become the capable business owner that she is today.

But here’s the truth many high-achieving women are waking up to:

What once served you… can start to limit you.

When productivity becomes your identity…

When your worth is tied to output…

When stillness feels uncomfortable or even unsafe…

You don’t just lose balance.

You lose access to a deeper level of leadership.

The Limiting Belief: Rest = Lazy

Let’s call it what it is:

Believing that rest and restoration are forms of laziness is a limiting belief.

And like many limiting beliefs, it was inherited— from well-meaning parents, teachers, and a culture that celebrates hustle and rewards constant doing.

But here’s the invitation: y ou get to redefine it.

A New Definition of “Lazy”

What if “lazy” wasn’t something to fear…

but something to examine?

What if we reframed the conversation entirely?

Instead of asking:

“Am I being lazy?”

Ask:

“Am I honoring what I need in this moment?”

Because here’s the truth:

Rest is not the opposite of productivity.

It is what sustains it.

Rest is not weakness.

It is wisdom.

And choosing to pause… to breathe… to restore… Is n ot lazy. It’s leadership.

The Leadership Practice of Renewal

In his book Actualized Leadership: Meeting Your Shadow, Maximizing Your Potential , Dr. Will Sparks introduces what I believe is essential for modern leadership:

The Renewal Sequence.

Three attributes, in particular, stand out for women who are constantly in motion:

Optimal Time Orientation (OTO): The ability to live with a balanced sense of time—grounded in the present, rather than constantly driven by past conditioning or future pressure.

Acceptance: The capacity to fully accept yourself—not just for what you do, but for who you are.

Solitude: The comfort and confidence to be alone with your thoughts, without needing to fill every moment with activity.

Let’s be honest—none of these are accessible when we are stuck in constant doing mode.

They require space.

Stillness.

Intention.

Why This Matters for Ambitious Women

If you’re an ambitious, driven woman y ou likely know how to push...h ow to deliver...h ow to show up for others.

But the real question is:

Do you know how to stop?

Because sustainable success—the kind that doesn’t cost you your health, your joy, or your relationships—requires a different rhythm.

Not just doing…

but renewing .

Not just striving…

but allowing .

Not just achieving…

but being .

An Invitation

What if, this week, you experimented with a new belief?

Instead of equating rest with laziness…

Treat rest as a strategic advantage.

�� Block time on your calendar—not for productivity—but for restoration.

�� Take a walk without your phone.

�� Sit in silence for five minutes.

�� Say yes to something that nourishes you—even if it produces nothing.

And if slowing down feels harder than it should… you’re not alone.

For many high-achieving women, rest doesn’t come naturally—it’s something we have to relearn. That’s exactly why I’ve begun offering Fearless Breathing introductory group sessions: a guided experience to help you step out of constant doing and reconnect with calm, clarity, and your own inner rhythm.

Sometimes, the most powerful way to redefine “lazy”… is to experience what true restoration actually feels like.

➡️ Find a session that fits your schedule: www.TheFearlessLeader.com/events

Final Thought

The most powerful leaders aren’t the ones who run the fastest or work the longest.

They are the ones who know when to pause, when to listen, and when to renew.

Because they understand something deeply:

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

And you cannot lead others well if you are disconnected from yourself.

21 years. 21 lessons.

Mon, 30 Mar 2026 21:24:09 GMT

Lessons learned from 21 years of entrepreneurship, leadership, and growth (and haircuts).

Over the weekend, I celebrated 21 years in business.

What a journey it has been.

When I started in 2005, I had no idea how much I would grow—not just as a business owner, but as a leader, collaborator, and human being.

Over the years, I’ve learned many lessons—some the hard way, some through incredible mentors, and many through simply staying in the game.

Here are 21 that rise to the top:

Mindset & Growth

1. Be fearless. Do what you have to do—even if you have to do it afraid.
2. Failure is your best teacher.
3. Beware of the status quo. If you’re too comfortable, you’re not growing.
4. Think abundance, not scarcity. There’s enough business out there for everyone.
5. Leadership is a journey, not a destination.
6. Don’t believe your own PR. Stay grounded and real.

Business & Strategy

7. Know your numbers. Track your numbers. (Thanks, Mark LeBlanc!)
8. You can outsource tasks—but not responsibility. You are the CFO of your business.
9. You are the brand. Show up with intention.
10. Learn the art of the Bold Ask. Opportunities rarely come uninvited.
11. Not every client is right for you—and you’re not right for every client.
12. Learn to say NO. It protects your time, energy, focus and integrity.
13. Tell clients what you don’t do. Clarity builds trust.

Relationships & Community

14. Collaborate—don’t just compete.

15. Networking is not just an event; it’s a strategy for a successful business and life.

16. Build a Success Team. You are not meant to do this alone.

17. Hire people who are smarter than you—and then listen to them.

18. Give before you expect to get… and then give more.

19. Pay it forward. Always.

P ersonal Leadership

20. Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.

21. Know your value—and don’t be afraid to stand in it.

And if I could add just a few bonus truths that I carry with me every day…

You don’t have to do everything by yourself.
Feedback is a lifeline.
Own your mistakes: apologize, fix them, and move on.
The same person shows up everywhere—be someone you’re proud of.
Mentors need mentors. Coaches need coaches. Leaders need leaders.
It can feel lonely at the top… which is why community matters so much.
Invest in yourself and your business—or no one else will.
Pay attention. Deeper listening. (thanks Arthur Samuel Joseph) This ritual will take you far.
Love what you build… and know when to let go.

21 years ago, I started my business with a spirit of adventure and the stomach for uncertainty.

I still believe that’s exactly what entrepreneurship requires.

And I wouldn’t trade this journey for anything.

I feel incredibly grateful, energized, and more committed than ever.

Here’s to what’s next. ��

While I’m entering an early retirement chapter, this is not an ending—it’s a new beginning.

I’ll continue doing the work I love most: mentoring women in business of all kinds and helping others reach their full potential… including you.

Cultivating Gratitude in Life and Leadership

Thu, 13 Nov 2025 19:26:58 GMT

Gratitude: the quiet power that improves morale, deepens connection, and elevates your leadership impact.

Gratitude is more than a polite “thank you” or a seasonal expression reserved for the month November. It is a powerful mindset, a daily practice, and a leadership competency that elevates our relationships, strengthens our resilience, and helps us show up as the best version of ourselves.

When we engage gratitude intentionally, it shifts how we see the world. Instead of focusing on what’s missing, we begin noticing what’s present. Instead of dwelling on stress or scarcity, we tap into abundance, appreciation, and connection. Gratitude doesn’t erase challenges, but it does give us a stronger foundation for navigating them.

The Science Behind Gratitude

A growing body of research shows that gratitude has significant benefits for both mental and physical well-being. Studies link gratitude to:

Increased happiness and overall life satisfaction
Lower stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms
Better quality sleep ZZZ
Improved immune functioning
Stronger and more trusting relationships

In leadership settings, gratitude also supports clearer communication, healthier team dynamics, and more emotionally intelligent decision-making. Leaders who practice gratitude tend to create environments where people feel valued, seen, and motivated to contribute.

Why Gratitude Can Feel Hard

Despite the benefits, gratitude doesn’t always come naturally. Life gets hectic. Stress piles up. We get distracted by inconvenience, disappointment, or frustration. Our brains—wired for survival—tend to look for what’s wrong rather than what’s right.

We forget to pause.

We forget to breathe.

We forget to put our phones down.

We forget to appreciate.

We forget to express thanks.

Sometimes we even slip into impatience or negativity—snapping at customer service agents, getting irritated in checkout lines, or focusing on what others aren’t doing instead of what they are.

The good news? Gratitude is a skill. And like any skill, it can be strengthened with practice.

Gratitude as a Leadership Strength

Gratitude is not soft, fluffy, or optional. It is a practical, strategic leadership tool.

Leaders who cultivate gratitude are more:

Present, aware, and mindful
Open-hearted
Resilient
Clear-minded
Collaborative
Trustworthy
Calming

Gratitude helps leaders regulate emotions, build trust, and inspire others through authenticity rather than authority. It humanizes leadership and reminds us that people—not tasks, not titles—are at the heart of every organization.

Simple Ways to Bring More Gratitude Into Your Life

Here are a few small habits that can make a big impact:

1. Start each day with a dose of appreciation and anticipation

Before you get out of bed each morning, ask yourself these two questions:

What is 3 things I’m grateful for today? (make a list in your head)
What 3 things I am looking forward to today?

These simple questions can reframes your entire mindset and allow you to start the day in a more positive way. I know, because this has been my core "gratitude practice" for the past ten years. While I have had periods of lapsing in this practice, when I eventually return to this daily practice, things improve. If it works for me, it might just work for you.

2. Express gratitude out loud

Send a text. Share a compliment. Tell someone why they matter. Mail a card. Put a note in their lunch box.

Silent gratitude is lovely—but spoken gratitude is transformative.

3. Notice the “ordinary miracles” all around you

Running water, electricity, sunrise, a warm bed, food in the pantry, salt in your salt shaker.

Gratitude begins with noticing what we often overlook. And that includes the good, loving people in your life.

4. Practice gratitude in moments of frustration

When you’re stuck in traffic, dealing with a slow retail clerk, or facing a setback, PAUSE and allow a few calming breaths, and then ask yourself:

W hat is still good here? What can I appreciate right now? What is this teaching me?

5. Create a gratitude ritual

A journal, a nightly reflection, a keyword or mantra that you focus on during meditation or yoga, a weekly gratitude text to a friend, or a family ritual at dinner. Use your creativity to create your own, special gratitude ritual.

Consistency creates impact.

Gratitude Makes Us Better Humans — and Better Leaders

At its core, gratitude is about presence. It invites us to slow down, open our hearts, and recognize the gifts woven into our everyday lives. It strengthens our leadership because it strengthens our humanity.

When we lead with gratitude, people feel safer, supported, and inspired.

When we live with gratitude, our relationships deepen, our stress decreases, and our joy expands.

And when we practice gratitude together, we create communities of warmth, resilience, and connection.

As we move through the season—and every season ahead—I invite you to lean more intentionally into gratitude. Not just as a holiday tradition, but as a daily practice and leadership discipline that enriches your life in ways both profound and practical.

What is one thing you are grateful for today?

Leave a comment, share a story, or simply pause and whisper: Thank you.

Why Vulnerability Matters

Thu, 16 Oct 2025 21:48:44 GMT

Do you have the courage and willingness to be vulnerable?

In 2010 we fell in love with the concepts of Vulnerability and Authenticity. It all started when Brene Brown took the stage at her first TED talk The Power of Vulnerability and dazzled us with her…vulnerability. Her TED talk is still one of the most viewed videos on TED.com of all time, with more than 69 million views (as of this writing).

The invincible Brene had a lot to say about Vulnerability, and her research and science backed it up. She offered us a pathway to living a more wholehearted life. She said in one of her many books, "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome."

Brene describes vulnerability as the birthplace of connection, love, and joy, but also the core of fear and uncertainty. She emphasizes that true courage comes from being vulnerable enough to show up and be authentic, rather than hiding behind armor.

Indeed, Brene opened our hearts and minds of millions of people about this often-misunderstood leadership attribute: Vulnerability. She encouraged us to be courageous and take the risk of being vulnerable and authentically ourselves. Sounds easy enough but turns out it's pretty challenging.

Vulnerability Enhances Relationships

Inherently we know vulnerability is essential for close relationships. And most of us want close relationships - in our personal life, professional life, civic life, neighborhood, families, etc. Vulnerability helps us build trust and closeness, love and respect. That's good stuff, but apparently many of us struggle to be vulnerable and trusting in relationships

William Sparks, author of the book, Actualized Leadership: Meeting your Shadow, Maximizing Your Potential, says that “Being vulnerable is critical because it allows us to connect with others in a genuine and authentic way. If we are UNWILLING to be vulnerable, we limit the quality of our relationships with others. Period. It’s difficult to explore vulnerability without considering courage.” (page 129)

Dr. Sparks offers us these tips to develop ourselves into more actualized leaders. Which tip(s) are you willing to put into practice?

5 tips for meeting and managing your Fear of Betrayal Shadow

Confront your fear of vulnerability
Admit that it hurts to feel rejection, judgment, or indifference
Forgive others, and yourself
Remove people from your life who cannot be trusted
Give yourself permission to practice vulnerability and be less than perfect.

Please don't get overwhelmed. Remember, start with baby steps.

Being Vulnerable Starts from Within

Before we can change the culture, we must be willing to change ourselves first. Examining our relationship with vulnerability and other leadership attributes can be difficult. You can’t do it just inside your own head. It’s helpful to gather with a small group of trusted people and openly discuss topics like Vulnerability.

That’s what we did at one of our Fearless COFFEE CHAT social. And the conversation and connection was powerful. Below is the list of conversation prompts that I gave them for their breakout groups. Why not take this list of questions and use them to facilitate your own small group discussion?

☕️ Conversation Prompts on Vulnerability

When has being vulnerable opened the door to a deeper connection or opportunity in your life?
Can you think of a recent moment when you chose to show up and be seen, even without knowing how it would turn out?
When has being vulnerable not gone the way you hoped? What did you take away or learn from that experience?
What helps you feel safe enough to be open and authentic with others?
How do you balance being open-hearted and vulnerable with maintaining healthy boundaries?
Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give your younger self about the power of vulnerability?

Favorite Quotes on Vulnerability

We all need to be inspired, and quotes are terrific tools to do that. they open up the heart and mind and give us new ways to look at things. Here's a quote from Brene Brown that I found worthy of sharing.

"To live with courage, purpose, and connection—to be the person whom we long to be—we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen". ~ Brene Brown , author of Daring Greatly.

�� Please share your favorite quote on Vulnerability at our Fearless Leader Community on Mighty Networks. Post your quote here.

�� Not yet a member of Mighty Networks? You can join for free - click here.

Is Any Body Perfect?

Wed, 01 Oct 2025 19:31:46 GMT

Rethinking your morning routine

We all know perfection is overrated—and unachievable.

Personally, I’ve found that striving for progress over perfection makes life lighter and more rewarding. I aim for excellence in my work, and while I often fall short of “perfect,” I’ve learned to be fine with that.

Sounds nice, right? But let’s get real.

Facing the Mirror at 64

As I approach my 64th birthday in November, I’ve been wrestling with the emotional side of normal, age-related changes in my body. And I know I’m not alone.

At every age, many of us carry dissatisfaction with our bodies. We compare ourselves to the glamorous images on TV, in magazines, and online—and we end up feeling inadequate.

Intellectually, we know comparison is a waste of energy. Emotionally, though, it’s hard to stop.

Here’s what I’ve discovered: hating your body never creates change. Loving your body does.

When we shift from criticism to appreciation, we tap into the energy, confidence, and motivation to build healthier habits—whether that’s exercise, nutrition, or rest.

Rethinking Exercise (and Breath)

Earlier this year, I became certified as a breath work instructor. I didn’t set out to teach—I simply wanted a tool to help reduce my anxiety and cope with the chaos of our world.

And it worked.

I found peace, calm, and a new way of talking to myself. I replaced my old limiting joke—“I’m really a sloth, lazy”—with an empowering truth:

�� “My body and mind are strong, resilient, and capable.”

That simple shift in self-talk has made me feel stronger inside and out.

My Morning Routine

During my 8-week certification program, I built a new morning ritual that blends breath work, movement, and cold exposure. It usually takes about an hour, but I shorten it when I’m traveling or pressed for time.

Here’s my flow:

Drink a glass of Sole Water for hydration first thing in the morning

1 minute of standing properly and in silence

2–5 minutes of arm twists

Five Tibetan Rites (10–21 reps, depending on how I feel)

Breath work (Tummo, TT 5, or TT 10, followed by 2 minutes of rest)

Eight Brocades (6 reps each)

Shower—ending with 30 seconds of cold water ��

Short neighborhood walk

A healthy breakfast

Do I love it? Absolutely. Do I do it every day? Almost—but I also give myself grace.

Consistency Over Intensity

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from my coach, Tim van der Vliet of Breathing for Success, is this:

�� Consistency matters more than intensity.

He introduced me to Dr. Stephen Seiler’s TEDx talk: How “Normal People” Can Train Like the World’s Best Endurance Athletes . It’s 17 minutes that completely reframed how I view exercise.

Dr. Seiler explains that 80% of elite athletes’ training happens in the “green zone”—low intensity. “No pain, no gain”? Turns out that’s a slick slogan, but a deeply flawed philosophy. True growth happens gradually, through steady, sustainable practice.

Curious to explore more?

If this sparks something in you, here are some next steps:

Book a free 30-minute Breathing Together session with me
Explore Tim’s programs at Breathing for Success
Try the Five Tibetan Rites in your own routine. Tim teaches a course in this.
Subscribe to Tim’s YouTube channel for free guided practices

Perfection isn’t the goal. Progress, peace, and consistency are. And the best place to begin might just be tomorrow morning. ��

Risky Business

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 18:28:23 GMT

Risky Business

Risk is all around us. It shows up in our careers, our relationships, our choices, and even in the quiet moments when we wonder what might happen if we step outside of our comfort zone. For some, the very word “risk” brings up fear. For others, it sparks excitement. For most of us, it is a mix of both.

At a most recent Fearless COFFEE CHAT social , we gathered as a small circle of risk takers to explore how uncertainty can actually be a path to growth. We swapped stories, asked bold questions, and reminded each other of something important: without risk, there is no reward.

Why Risk Matters

Here are three truths that stood out in our conversation:

Risk is unavoidable. It is part of the human experience, whether we like it or not.
Risk fuels growth. Research shows that stepping into uncertainty builds resilience, leadership, and self-actualization.
No risk, no reward. Calculated risks open doors, both personally and professionally.

Think back to your own journey. Wha t risk - big or small - changed your trajectory? Maybe it was applying for a new job, starting a business, speaking up in a difficult meeting, or moving to a new city. Often, those pivotal choices felt scary in the moment but became turning points in hindsight.

Rethinking Risk

One of the most helpful takeaways from our discussion was the idea that risk does not have to be reckless. Smart, courageous risks are intentional. They are guided by purpose, balanced by preparation, and supported by community.

Here are a few practical ways to reframe your relationship with risk:

Redefine risk as opportunity. Instead of focusing on what you might lose, ask what doors could open.
Start small. Practice by speaking up in a meeting, testing a new idea, or reaching out to a potential collaborator.
Balance head and heart. Do your research and trust your gut. Both perspectives matter.
Know your why. A strong purpose turns fear into courage.
Build a safety net. Have a Plan B, and lean on trusted advisors.
Expect failure. Not every risk will work out, but each one teaches you something valuable.
Find your people. Courage is contagious when you surround yourself with others who celebrate effort, not just results.

Which of these resonates most with you?

Questions for Reflection

If you are ready to explore risk in your own life and leadership, here are a few questions to sit with:

Looking back, what risk opened a new door for you?
Looking ahead, what risk are you grappling with that might make all the difference?
How does risk show up in your leadership, your relationships, your daily choices?
What would it look like to treat risk as a friend rather than a foe?

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is start a conversation. At your next networking event or coffee meeting, try asking: “I’m curious - when you look back, what’s a risk that opened a new door for you?” You might be surprised at the stories you hear.

Final Thoughts

Growth always requires some degree of uncertainty. Whether you are launching a new project, stepping into leadership, or navigating a life transition, risk is part of the process. You can resist it, or you can embrace it with courage, clarity, and intention.

As author Gail Sheehy wrote, “Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.”

And Jim Rohn reminded us, “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.”

So, what risks are calling you forward right now? And which ones might just open the next big door in your life?

I say, feel the free and take the risk anyway!

Speaking Your Truth: The Courage to Practice Candor

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Wed, 02 Jul 2025 19:28:13 GMT

Speaking Your Truth: The Courage to Practice Candor

The topic of free speech is everywhere these days. From the breaking news reports to our social feeds, we’re seeing conversations about the right to speak, protest, and peacefully assemble being pushed to the forefront. At the same time, we’re watching those rights be questioned and, in some cases, restricted.

In divided or uncertain times, speaking up can feel risky. But choosing to be silent comes with its own cost. It takes courage to use your voice, and not just one kind. Speaking your truth often requires social courage, physical courage, and intellectual courage. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable. To risk being wrong. To risk being misunderstood.

Sometimes, staying quiet feels easier. But easier doesn’t always mean better.

As my friend and writing coach Lois McKenzie puts it in this article , “The prerequisite for speaking isn’t perfection. It’s caring enough about something bigger than your own comfort to risk being wrong, misunderstood or judged.”

That quote hits home for so many of us. Too often, fear dresses itself up as humility. But real leadership means choosing visibility over safety, honesty over harmony, and growth over comfort.

One of the most underused forms of free speech is candor.

Candor is the choice to be forthright and sincere in our communication. It’s not about being blunt or harsh. It’s about showing respect for others by speaking clearly, directly, and with care.

In the book Actualized Leadership: Meeting Your Shadow, Maximizing Your Potential author Dr. Will Sparks includes candor as one of the nine essential attributes of actualized leadership. It is one of the behaviors that actualized leaders do consistently well. Cander is also included in the “Confidence Sequence” grouped with objectivity and courage. (see Chapter 8).

Here’s what stands out about actualized leaders:

They don’t sugarcoat the truth.
They don’t avoid difficult conversations.
They don’t use honesty as a weapon.
They speak to be clear, not to be right.

Candor also helps prevent unnecessary drama and wasted time. And it builds trust between people.

Dr. Sparks reminds us, “Whether you’re leading an organization or making decisions about a personal relationship, you owe it to yourself and anyone else involved to be candid.” (page 105 of Actualized Leadership )

If candor feels hard for you, you’re not alone. Many of us were raised to keep the peace, smooth things over, or avoid conflict. But holding back can be just as damaging as speaking carelessly.

You can be kind and candid at the same time. One helpful approach that I’ve used successfully is to start a conversation with this simple question: “May I be candid with you?”

This question invites permission and sets the tone for a more open exchange. It helps the listener emotionally prepare themself for what might be an uncomfortable conversation. It also builds confidence, creates connection, and helps move things forward. As Dr. Sparks explains, “Rather than agenda-laden or hurtful bluntness, candor is about respecting the value of others without making assumptions about likely responses or reactions.” (page 105)

Does candor help or hinder your goal attainment?

I believe there’s a strong link between reaching our goals and learning how to speak our truth. Candor isn’t just important in leadership. It’s essential for progress in our personal and professional lives. When we speak clearly, we create clarity. When we speak our truth, we build trust within ourselves and with others. When we communicate with courage, we inspire others to do the same.

So consider this your invitation to reflect on your own voice. Ask yourself:

What does free speech mean to me?
Where am I withholding honesty, and why?
What fears stop me from being more candid?
Who do I find it hardest to be honest with?
How do I typically respond when others are trying to speak their truth and be candid with me?
What might happen if I found the courage to speak more freely….and allow others to do the same?

Empower yourself with the right to speak freely

Imagine what your business and your life might look like if you gave yourself permission to speak your truth more often. Candor could be the tool that unlocks that next level of growth, connection, and confidence.

What truth do you need to speak next?

First be candid with yourself.

What Does it Really Mean to be Free?

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Wed, 04 Jun 2025 14:12:32 GMT

What Does It Really Mean to Be Free?

With Juneteenth on the horizon, I’ve found myself reflecting more deeply on the idea of freedom, what it means, how we experience it, and how often it’s something we must reclaim for ourselves.

Juneteenth commemorates a pivotal moment in American history. It marks the day in 1865 when enslaved African Americans in Texas finally learned that they had been freed, two and a half years after the Emancipation Proclamation had been signed by President Abraham Lincoln. Slavery was officially abolished later that year with the ratification of the 13th Amendment.

And yet, freedom is not a one-time event. It’s not a single document, a holiday, or a moment in time. It’s an ongoing journey.

I first learned about Juneteenth when I interviewed Dr. Opal Lee for my book Fearless Female Leaders . I was deeply moved by her story. I think you will be too when you read the book.

At 97 years old, Opal continues to work for unity, justice, and peace. Even after successfully leading the movement to make Juneteenth a national holiday, she didn’t stop. Her commitment to building a better world remains as strong as ever. Her story, “The Fearless Face of Freedom,” appears in Chapter 8 of my book and continues to inspire me, and many others, to keep asking big questions about what freedom looks like today.

The Many Forms of Freedom

Freedom can be political or personal, financial or emotional. It can be external, like laws that protect our rights or opportunities that allow us to grow. But it can also be internal.

Sometimes, the biggest obstacles to freedom come from within: fear, anxiety, self-doubt, scarcity mindset, perfectionism, the pressure to please others, or the inability to say no. These internal barriers can be just as limiting as external ones, and often we don’t even realize they’re there until we pause to look.

Other times, we face systemic and societal challenges, discrimination, the wage gap, lack of access to healthcare or education, or rigid expectations around how we’re supposed to live, work, and lead.

But we always have a choice. And that choice starts with awareness .

When we become more aware of what’s holding us back, internally or externally, we give ourselves the power to reclaim our time, our energy, our joy, our truth, and our freedom.

Questions to Consider

If you’re ready to explore freedom on a deeper level, I encourage you to reflect on the following:

When in your life did you feel the most free to be who you truly are?
How was freedom modeled for you growing up? What messages, spoken or unspoken, shaped your beliefs about what freedom is and how it works?
Do you feel free in your body, your career, your relationships?
How important is financial freedom to your overall sense of well-being?
What are you currently tolerating that makes you feel less free?
How does fear show up when you consider living and working in a more authentic, aligned way? How does fear impede your sense of freedom?
What kind of courage would it take for you to pursue more freedom in your life?
What small change could you make this week to create more freedom in your day-to-day life?

Freedom isn’t just about removing barriers. It’s also about giving ourselves permission to dream bigger, live more intentionally, and step fully into the lives we want for ourselves.

So as we approach Juneteenth, I invite you to reflect not only on the historical significance of this day, but also on what freedom means to you in your work, your relationships, your health, and your purpose.

And if you’re looking for inspiration, I highly recommend these books, articles, and events:

�� Substack article The Freedom to Change Your Life by Lois McKenzie. She writes beautifully about the power of freeing ourselves from other people’s expectations so we can make space for creativity, clarity, and change.

�� On Freedom , the latest published works of Yale Professor Timothy Synder. A truly remarkable read, this book elegantly weaves together history, philosophy, current events, and personal story. It will open your mind to the difference between negative freedom and positive freedom. It will help you create new aspirations for yourself and for all of humanity. Available in hardcover, paperback, eBook, and Audible. Read together with your friends. This book is worthy of a book club discussion!

�� Juneteenth: A Children’s Story Special , by Dr. Opal Lee

�� Celebrating the one-year anniversary of my Fearless Female Leaders book . Get the eBook for only 99 cents during the month of June anywhere ebooks are sold online. Join me for a VIP event book club discussion on June 10 at 4pm ET on Zoom. Register here .

��‍♀️ Participate in local events taking place on June 19th including Opal’s Walk for Freedom. Her annual 2.5 mile walk recognizes the 2.5 years it took for the news of freedom to reach the enslaved people in Texas.

Register and get the t-shirt!

Always Be At Choice

Let this be your reminder: you are always at choice. Freedom may begin as an inalienable right, but it only becomes real through awareness, action, advocacy, and the courage to live life on your own terms…and allow others to do the same.

Planting Seeds of Opportunity

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Tue, 15 Apr 2025 15:33:58 GMT

You can't control the outcome, but you can most certainly control your efforts and mindset

Planting Seeds as a Metaphor

For many years, I worked with a fabulous business coach named Mark LeBlanc. He and I (and Henry DeVries) went on to co-author a book together, Defining YOU: How Smart Professionals Craft the Answers to: Who are you? What do you do? How can you help me?

I am very proud of this work and highly recommend it for anyone who wants and needs more confidence in how to introduce yourself and speak about your work.

Mark LeBlanc has a way of simplifying how we think about tasks that are emotionally overwhelming. Tasks like making cold calls and following up with past clients we haven’t heard from in a while.

As a business owner (celebrating my 20th anniversary this year - whoo hoo!) overcoming my fear in this arena was essential to my business success.

In one of our 1:1 coaching sessions, Mark referred to new business development as “planting seeds of opportunity.” He advised me to develop a practice of planting 3 seeds a day, each day, every day (even Saturdays and Sundays). He comforted me that I should not worry if those seeds don’t take hold right away. Just keep planting.

That coaching session changed my life (really it did).

Maybe because I am an enthusiastic gardener and just love growing plants and vegetables. I particularly enjoy growing plants and flowers from seed. Some take hold, while others mysteriously do absolutely nothing. And then like magic, something starts to sprout out when I least expect it. Just like in business. Just like in life.

Detaching from the Outcome

Many people (wise and not so wise) have reminded me of the importance of detaching from the outcome of my efforts. It remains a challenge for me as I put so much energy and hope into the positive outcomes (aka Goals) that I’m striving for. This is probably because I am an Affirmer (shadow is fear of rejection) and also an Achiever (shadow is fear of failure). Can you relate?

What if we could detach from the outcome and focus solely on our efforts? A quick AI search came up with a bit of insight:

What is detachment from the outcome? It's the idea of letting go of expectations and desires, focusing instead on the present moment and the journey towards a goal, rather than just the result. This approach can bring a sense of peace, reduce stress and anxiety, and improve overall well-being.

What can we really control?

We do our best to achieve our goals. We set them and sometimes forget them. Sometimes (more often lately) we get very distracted by current events.

We start to give up and give in. We stop believing in our goals, in others, and in ourselves. And we start to become jaded, like one of my Facebook acquaintances who wrote a snippy response to my post about the HANDS OFF! rally on April 5.

The thing about control….

The reality is that you can’t control everything in life(certainly not the outcome). But you can control your effort, your actions, and your response to situations. You can control your attitude and outlook. You can control the nature and quality of your communication, and how you behave on social media. And you can control whether or not you SHOW UP for yourself and for others.

Will you show up for me?

As you may know, I’ve been hosting a monthly coffee chat series. I’ve sent you many invitations (and I’ll keep inviting you until you decide to show up).

Recently I decided to change the name of the event series. Instead of Fearlessly Informal, going forward our virtual gatherings will be called Fearless COFFEE CHAT socials .

Is this enough to get you to show up and hang out with me?

Could I be that fool-hardy to think that simply by changing the name of the event (ever so slightly) that you will make the effort to show up for me? Seriously?

Of course, I can’t control your response, or your actions, or even what you think of me.

I can only let you know my reasoning for the name change. And I control how I express my sincere desire to re-engage with you and support you through my creative, connective endeavors.

The thinking behind the change…

My decision to shorten the name of my monthly coffee chat series was more a realization that my events are anything but informal. They are structured, planned, organized, and professionally facilitated. Not sure I know how to be any other way. That’s just me (and I’m damn proud of that quality).

So off with the informality. Bring forward the honest, open, fluid conversation on topics that matter. Topics that inspire. Topics that get us to open up our thinking to new possibilities.

You're Invited to join us at an upcoming Fearless COFFEE CHAT social!

These monthly events are free and open to the public. All are welcome. Invite your friends!

You just need to register for the event, and of course, SHOW UP!

Here's the link to see the schedule of upcoming events: https://www.thefearlessleader.com/events

How to Overcome Presentation Procrastination

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Wed, 26 Mar 2025 11:19:42 GMT

I’m excited to announce the relaunch of a digital toolkit that has saved my ass numerous times in the past. It’s called The Control Center presentation toolkit and it includes exclusive content from my book, Stop Global Boring .

This presentation toolkit literally saved me this past week.

Saved me from what, you ask?

�� Presentation procrastination: that’s what!

You know the pressure of pulling together a fantastic presentation with all the bells and whistles but having it stay in your head as a big vision, but absolutely nothing materializing in real life?

Hours go by, days go by, weeks go by… and still you remain in procrastination land.

You manage to skirt by when the boss keeps asking you to review your slides. In truth you haven’t created a single one. Or maybe you pulled up an old presentation and tried to update it. But you know in your heart that it stinks.

The pressure and reputation risks are building by the hour.

Can you just wing it like you've done before?

Truth be told…

None of us are immune from the pain and agony of presentation procrastination. Not even me. (and I teach this stuff!)

For the past four weeks I’ve been struggling with getting my presentation together for a major presentation with an exciting new client. I could visualize it all in my head, but nothing was materializing in a way that was actionable.

Finally, I opened up The Control Center presentation toolkit and used the tools of my own making. And it worked! Fast as lightning, the pieces started to come together. I figured out my key message, critical content, support materials, opening and closing statements, and ways I could engage the audience so this wasn’t just a boring, talking-head-style presentation.

Best of all, my energy is up and I am feeling confident and excited about this presentation opportunity. So different than the negative feelings I was experiencing when I was stuck in procrastination land.

Shifting into GO mode

This week I’m headed to Chicago to present two breakout sessions for the Arthritis Foundation at their Staff Summit. (Check out their website - they have helpful resources ).

My session is entitled: Power of the Pitch: Presenting with Influence and Impact . I will be giving the session with little or no slides.

My goal is to teach them how to summon the courage to be creative (not controlled), to be original (not ordinary) and to be bold (not bland or boring) when they give presentations and talks. And I will give them presentation planning tools and techniques to prevent procrastination from setting in.

Are you prone to presentation procrastination?

Many people think procrastination is laziness, but I think procrastination is a response to FEAR.

Fear of failing…

Fear of falling short of expectations…

Fear of being judged or criticized…

Fear of being boring…

And in the case of presentation procrastination, plain old fear of public speaking!

In my twenty years of working with clients on their presentation skills and communication mastery, I have also seen many bad habits that waste time and bore audiences to death.

The biggest bad habit in presentation preparation (other than waiting until the last minute and winging it), is hiding behind your PowerPoint slides. Many of my clients equate presentations with PPT slides and refer to their slide deck as the presentation itself. Worse yet, building slides is often the very first thing they will do to prepare for an upcoming presentation.

This is not how you should prepare for a presentation

Slide building should be the very last thing you do in the presentation preparation process. How do you break this bad habit? How can you regain control and find a better way to begin preparing for a presentation?

Get The Control Center Presentation Toolkit

For $19.97 you can get 13 powerful tools in PDF-writable format and a workbook that will act as a roadmap to help you plan, build, deliver and critique your presentation performance.

The toolkit includes my signature presentation tool called Clean Sheet Thinking which will help you develop your high-level game plan for your upcoming presentation.

Using this powerful tool from The Control Center toolkit you can go from the agony of procrastination to the thrill of seeing the strategic vision of your presentation come to life!

From procrastination to persuasion in less than 30 minutes!

That’s what can happen when you use the tools in The Control Center presentation toolkit.

If that’s not worth $19.97, I don’t know what is!

�� Save yourself with The Control Center presentation toolkit

�� Save your audience by reading my book Stop Global Boring

Drop in at one of our monthly COFFEE CHATS

☕️ What: fearlessly informal COFFEE CHAT virtual social events hosted by Kathy McAfee

⏰ When: monthly - check out our events schedule

�� Cost: free and open to the public. Invite a friend or two.

�� Register for the event, save the date, and here’s the hard part “SHOW UP!”

Be fearless,

Kathy McAfee

Don't Let Your Relationships Drift

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Thu, 13 Feb 2025 15:48:59 GMT

It’s Valentine’s Week and I hope you are feeling the love and appreciation from the many personal and professional relationships in your life.

Why Relationships Matter

I’ve been thinking about the power and importance of relationships. As humans, we are biologically wired to respond to love. It’s not just newborn babies that require nurturing people to thrive - adults need it too.

But we get mixed messages. As career professionals, we are told that we must build a strong network, and that teamwork is a must. But we are also told by management that productivity and efficiency are mandatory. Do more with less. Heads down and get it done. This type of pressure to produce can lead us to ignore our health and our relationships. We begin to focus solely on surviving day to day. We end up going it alone just to make it through.

Why Asking for Help Is a Strength—Not a Weakness

One of my most valuable life lessons has been that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. It took me years to embrace this and put it into practice. I have also discovered that it’s a lot easier to ask for help from people with whom I have built strong relationships. Relationship building is a skill set that can lead to a successful and joyful way of life.

BUT….

If we don’t take the time to proactively build relationships or if we neglect those relationships or allow them to drift away, then asking for help when we need it becomes a whole lot harder.

What gets in the way of our ability to build and maintain strong, productive relationships?

The short answer is “we do.” Our pride and fear, our leadership shadows, our lack of focus and prioritization on people, impatience, jealousy, assumptions, resentment, misunderstanding, judgment, busyness, lack of listening and empathy, our scarcity mindset, and so much more.

Set yourself up for sweet success by enhancing the quality and quantity of relationships.

This month (and every month) let’s concentrate on deepening and broadening our professional networks with the intention of making it easier and more fun to reach our individual and collective goals!

Please give these questions some thought. Perhaps write down your thoughts and responses to these questions in a journal.

With everything that’s going on in your life right now, which relationships matter most to you? (please consider yourself on that list)
What gets in the way of our ability to build and maintain strong, productive relationships?
Which relationships do you want or need to put your focus, attention and effort on this month or this year?
Do you find yourself putting more effort and time into acquiring new relationships or cultivating current ones? How’s that working out for you?
Who takes the lead in keeping in touch in your relationships? Do you ever feel resentment for always having to be the one to take the initiative?
What is the current health of your professional network? Thriving? Surviving? Limping along? On life support?
What would happen if you intentionally prioritized networking and relationship building? Can you see yourself putting into action a networking strategy and follow-up system that works for you?
Who needs to hear from you now? What calls can you make today to revive an important relationship?

Do more fearless networking ❤️

I believe that networking is more than an event or activity; it is a strategy for a successful life (and career and business!). When you adopt that philosophy, it becomes so much easier to connect with people and do the necessary networking with more joy (and less fear) in your heart. Over time, networking will become part of your lifestyle! You will learn to love it just like I do.

Our monthly COFFEE CHATS social event series provides the perfect space for you to practice your networking skills and to be yourself! If you would enjoy the energy and uplift that comes with connecting with highly motivated and positive people, then come join us for one of our virtual COFFEE CHAT socials. They are free and open to the public.

Drop in and share a little love at one of our monthly COFFEE CHAT

☕️ What: fearlessly informal COFFEE CHAT virtual social events hosted by Kathy McAfee

�� When: monthly - check out our events schedule

�� Cost: free and open to the public. Invite a friend or two.

�� Register for the event, save the date, and here’s the hard part “SHOW UP!”

Be fearless and stay kind,

Kathy McAfee

p.s. If you need some help with your networking game plan, consider picking up a copy of my book, Networking Ahead: Get Where You Want to Go by Making Powerful, Professional Connections.

How would you RATE your boss?

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 14:52:33 GMT

Over the course of my long career, I have had my fair share of good bosses (like Simon Fraser and Yolanda Canny), and some bad bosses (who know who they are).

If I were completely honest with myself, I would also say as a manager of people, I have been rated by some direct reports as a very good boss and by others, I’ve been viewed as a really shitty manager. I own it all.

Learning from negative role models

Looking back, I see that I have learned as much from the bad bosses as I have with the good ones. The same goes for role models: there are plenty of examples of terrible leadership, as well as the great.

While it’s frustrating to see how frequently the unethical and unprincipled leaders get away with stuff, there’s an opportunity to learn a great deal from them. Being a student of leadership often means we need to observe and study not only what we aspire to, but also the opposite.

I observed a great deal of negative leadership lessons during 2020, the first year of the pandemic. In fact, negative leadership was a primary inspiration and catalyst for me to develop the curriculum of my new signature program:

The Fearless Leader 8-week group mentoring leadership development program .

As I re-read the discussion guides for each of the eight weeks, I remember the context of bad leadership and bad bosses that were operating at that time - as I’m sure you’ll recall from that year! And yet, we survived, and grew, and became wiser. Bonus - a new program was born!

Our leadership must evolve as we move into 2025.

I see an urgent need for each of us to hold on dearly to our values and principles of ethical leadership, no matter how much craziness falls down on us from the top.

When you think of some descriptive words about our leaders today, what words come to mind? For me, “power”, “control” and sadly, “greed” come to mind.

Classically a male-dominated expression of leadership, power and control are only one form of leadership. There are many other leadership styles and expressions. And while many people praise command and control style leaders as strong, their regimes tend to be quite damaging to those in their care.

Win some. Lose some.

Winning doesn’t instantly make you a great leader; nor will winning make you a good boss, or a wonderful partner, or worthy parent. It takes so much more than that.

I believe that how you handle the losses reveals so much more about your true character as a leader than winning will ever do for you. Choosing to accept your losses with grace, dignity and humility will also build your resilience.

So let’s all remember that winning isn’t everything, nor is it the only thing.

Being a good leader doesn’t just happen by accident.

You have to make an intentional decision and take intentional actions towards being a better kind of fearless leader.

In 2025, resolve to be a good boss, a better leader, a respectful colleague, and a positive role model for current and future leaders who you will influence directly or indirectly. My advice to all would-be fearless leaders is this:

Surround yourself with people who are smarter than you.
Seek honest and open feedback. Listen.
Create a positive workplace culture.
Be accountable. Admit when you are wrong. Apologize.
Think before you speak.
Be humble and kind. Be grateful.
Share. Help others.
Leave the world a better place. Pay it forward.
Be fearless, but don’t be a jerk.

The value of seeing things differently

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Mon, 30 Dec 2024 17:02:25 GMT

Years ago, my husband and I inherited a beautiful free-form wall sculpture from his world-traveling uncle named Otto. Created by Czechoslovak artist Herbert Seiler, this piece has been proudly hung in our homes over the years since Otto’s death.

The piece has always intrigued me but not for the reasons you might think. Crafted from copper and other metals, molded and shaped to create a feeling of ships at sea. But by tilting our heads and looking at the piece from a different angle, the art becomes something different. Can you see it?

When I tilt my head and look at this artwork, what I see is a woman’s torso, a single breast in the upper left corner, and a waist and hip line to the lower right. It’s a woman’s body, not a ship, not a vessel, not a means of transport. But a woman.

If only we could turn the orientation and hang this piece of art vertically, rather than horizontally, the entire message would change. I just love it. I think it’s spectacular. And I want to share this new vision with others.

Now, I have suggested this change to my husband many times, but each time he tells me that is not how the artist intended it to be hung, and we can tell that by the positioning of his signature in the lower left corner. “It’s clearly a ship,” he has told me on many occasions. And so, the piece has continued to be displayed in this traditional fashion. Just like men continue to dominate the highest levels of leadership and influence in business, government, and life.

What if we took a different view of leadership?

I believe that it is this “logical” and “traditional” reasoning that prevents us as a society from seeing women’s leadership differently. Just because it has been done a certain way for eons doesn’t mean that’s the only way it can be done. Leadership, like art, can and should change.

By turning it on its side, we can glimpse a new perspective, new beauty, and new strength, and a new way to lead. And we can trust that the original artist and our founding fathers would be pleased to see us reinvent and re-envision their work. Things can change, when we allow ourselves to see things from a different perspective.

A simple tilt of the head can make all the difference

Leadership, like artwork, is enhanced when we learn to appreciate its diversity, perspectives, and potential for change. Wouldn’t you agree?

Vote to Protect Women's Health and Freedoms

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Wed, 30 Oct 2024 20:14:38 GMT

[Sensitive topic warning: Infertility, miscarriage, abortion.]

I never thought I’d be sharing this personal information, but the stakes are too high in this election. I must tell you my personal story of my medically necessary abortion.

It happened twenty-four years ago.

I was thirty-eight years old and just returned home to the States following a fabulous three-year work assignment in Europe for my company. I was at the peak of my career and the future looked bright.

My husband and I decided that we were ready to start a family and have children. After trying for more than a year, I found myself having difficulty getting pregnant. Turns out my fallopian tubes were damaged, and it was not possible to get pregnant the old-fashioned way.

I remember how painful it was to be going to other people's baby showers knowing that I couldn’t conceive a child without medical intervention. So…

We opted for IVF.

IVF was difficult for me in so many ways: physically, emotionally, psychologically, and financially.

With every needle injection and awkward procedure, I was reminded that no matter how well I planned and organized my life, there were certain things I just couldn’t control.

The first round of IVF produced only one viable egg. It didn’t take.

The second round of IVF we got lucky and produced six viable eggs. We took a risk and implanted all six embryos in my body at once, understanding the possibility of having twins or triplets.

In the end only one egg took hold in my womb. Days after we got the good news, I remember singing a song while hiking with my husband, “One, singular egg-sation, every little step she takes.”

A few weeks into the pregnancy, we decided to share our wonderful news (perhaps prematurely) with our extended family and close friends. It was so joyous and exciting, until…

Failure to thrive

At the appointment for our second ultrasound, our spirits sank when the technician couldn’t find the fetal heartbeat. You should have seen the look on her face. We knew in an instant that our heroic efforts to have a family had failed. Our fetus (which we called our Little Peanut) had failed to thrive.

A medically necessary procedure

The next thing I knew my doctor had scheduled a medically necessary abortion known as a D&C to remove the dead tissue inside my womb. In my grief, I didn’t really understand why I was having this procedure, but the doctor told me that it was necessary to safeguard my health and any future possibility of having children.

So, I followed the doctor's orders. Knowing what I know now, I’m grateful that I had the procedure as it protected me and my future. I was lucky back then that the government wasn’t involved in this very personal and private matter between me and my doctor.

Healing takes time

It’s taken many years, but I have healed from my miscarriage and the loss of my motherhood dreams. I have learned to accept and embrace our child-free lifestyle. I have found other productive ways to apply my maternal instincts and to grow as a person. In fact, I have dedicated my professional life to helping women break through the barriers to leadership and have fulfilling careers and lives.

My life is blessed in so many ways. But still…

I worry about women.

I worry about women and girls of child-bearing age and their freedom to make decisions about their own bodies and futures. I fear for their health and well-being. These women are our future leaders. I want them to have the freedom and opportunity to realize their full leadership potential.

More repressive legislation is coming…

The same medically necessary abortion procedure that saved my health and my future is now restricted in many parts of the US.

In some states like Texas, doctors and healthcare providers are being threatened with prison sentences and loss of their medical licenses if they provide these necessary health care services to their patients.

Right now, pregnant women across this country are suffering and dying because they can’t get the health care that they need. According to the March of Dimes more than 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriages. Miscarriage. With abortion bans continuing, many women who experience miscarriages could find themselves in life-threatening situations.

And it’s getting darker…

Some states and groups are calling to make IVF illegal. Others want to monitor women’s movements to prevent them from traveling to other states to get the health care they need. There are leaders out there who want to pass a national abortion ban, like Trump and Vance, and the folks at the Heritage Foundation who are the architects of Project 2025 that seeks to obliterate sexual and reproductive health and rights for all people.

The illusion of exceptions

Many states, including South Carolina where I live, legislators placate their constituents by including the phrase “with exceptions for rape, incest, and life of the mother” into legislation and their stump speeches. This is a façade and a logistical impracticality. It’s also inhumane.

Women shouldn’t have to be at death’s door to get the health care they need. We want “the health of the mother” and all women to be the norm, not the exception. To achieve this, we must include abortion care (and contraception and IVF) as legal, safe, accepted and respected health care.

There’s still time to restore reproductive rights and protect women

With every moment that goes by, women are at risk in states with Trump-inspired abortion bans in place. Women’s health is also threatened by politicians (and the billionaires and think tanks who support them) who have intentions to ban abortion at the national level.

Choosing the wrong leaders in this election (up and down the ticket) could have grave consequences on women’s health. And that would have devastating impacts on women and families and the health of our nation for generations to come.

Voting (not violence) is the way we make change in America.

If you value and respect women, you will vote to protect their reproductive rights.

If you value freedom and health care for all, you will vote to protect democracy.

This election I proudly cast my vote for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. Because lives depend on it. And I urge you to do the same.

It’s All Systems Go with Sam McCracken

Tue, 30 Jan 2024 14:12:59 GMT

You’ve heard the expression, “All Systems Go.” It indicates a state of readiness for immediate action. This is how my fearless virtual assistant, Samantha (Sam) McCracken makes me think-feel-do.

I believe the phrase “All Systems Go” originated from space flight control centers and was the confident response given when everything was ready to launch. I can only imagine how many people, steps, procedures, systems, tests and trials, and investment preceded that confident declaration of readiness.

As woman-owned business that has been operational since 2005, I cannot even remember how many different methods and systems I have experimented with. I seem to have a propensity for complexity and personalization. Perhaps it’s how my brain works. I am not an analytic, systems thinker. I am more of a creative entrepreneur type. I remember writing my first book Networking Ahead for Business about the importance of networking follow-up. In my research for the book I quoted another expert who narrowed in on what I was missing – the system. Opening my own book this morning and finding the passage, I am reminded of the importance of systems even with routine activities such as professional networking.

Taking my own advice from my own book (first published in 2010 and updated in 2017), I built a networking follow-up system. But it wasn’t efficient. It wasn’t fast. And it didn’t allow me to scale my efforts and impact. In short, my system wasn’t particularly powerful. I was still bogged down with all of the follow-up tasks and unable to leverage the fearless networking I was capable of.

So I took the next local step and I outsourced some of my administrative tasks to a Virtual Assistant. Basically I dumped my messy system onto to the VA in hopes that they would transform it into something magical. It was good and helpful but I was still missing something important.

I was missing the SYSTEM.

“Whoever said ‘the fortune is in the follow-up’ first could have been a billionaire if they only got a penny for every time someone said it. And yet, they’ve only got it half right. Follow-up is important, that’s true. But the real fortune is in the follow-up system ."

~ Lisa Robbin Young

And then the pandemic came along and we all had to learn new ways of delivering our work and value to our clients. I took a course with David Newman called High Fee Mastery. It was a game-changing investment for me. This is where I learned the 8-week group mentoring virtual model of delivering leadership development training and coaching. Within a few months The Fearless Leader™ 8-week group mentoring cohort program was launched. It was fantastic to find a new brand, platform and purpose. My business service offerings had transformed to 100% virtual delivery. I was (and still am) very happy about that! But tasks were taking too long to complete. For example, onboarding new cohort members was a manual nightmare.

My SYSTEMS were scattered.

David Newman didn’t seem to have that problem. I wondered what he had that I didn’t have. Okay, let’s be honest, David is fearless, gifted, driven, and Uber confident in what he does and how he does it. He knows his value. David also had someone quite talented behind the scenes. I asked him to please introduce me to his operations manager (and my future fearless virtual assistant) SamMcCracken, business owner of Sharp Business Support.

Find the right people to create the right SYSTEMS.

After my first consultation call with Sam, I immediately sensed that she would bring tremendous value to my business, my life and my work day. I still remember the three questions she asked me to think about and write a list of (paraphrasing here):

1. things you don’t have time for
2. things you don’t enjoy doing
3. things that need to get done but are not the best use of your time

I whipped out my list and shared it with Sam. It became our initial project list. Within a very short period of time, I could see the systematic improvements in my business operations. Things were easier and faster to get done. Less rework. Fewer steps. Sam quickly got me set up on new technology platforms including Airtable, Zapier, Jotform, Calendly, Lead pages, Squarespace, Mighty Networks, Stripe, MailChimp, Google Docs, Loom, ROCK – just to name a few. And although we have many pieces, they all fit and flow together. It’s amazing looking back how many new things I’ve been exposed to and how much more I’ve been able to accomplish…with Sam McCracken at my side. That’s why she is known as “Done For You Tech.”

SYSTEMS can make work more fun.

Sam sets up my systems, optimizes them, and then teaches me how to use them. We collaborate and communicate daily. Best of all she is a delight to work with. Pleasant, professional, calm, creative, solution-oriented, highly skilled, fast as all get out. And best of all, there is absolutely no drama. What used to burden me now brings me joy and reward. I have to chalk that up to Sam McCracken. She’s my secret weapon…and I’m happy to share her with you.

Did I mention that she lives in Spain? The time zone difference has never been a problem. She recently sent me a few favorite pictures of her. I like this one best. It says to me, “With the right systems and the right people on your success team, you can work anywhere anytime, even at a coastal cafe in Spain should you choose.”

With Sam McCracken by your side, you too could operate like this!

Is this the world’s longest recommendation, or what?
Please forgive me if I am overly effusive (gushing even) about how pleased I am to work with Sam McCracken. I want her to continue to grow and succeed in her business. Just today I recommended her to my colleague Cheryl Jones of Thriving With Cheryl Jones and her new podcast Thrive 55+ .

If you are an established coaching/training professional like me, spending your precious time on tedious operations and technology – when you could be out there transforming people, Sam McCracken can help you streamline, automate and grow your business. (Note: I have lifted this from Sam’s LinkedIn profile. )

There are two main things she helps her clients with:

1. They need an online course built for them, but they don’t know which tool(s) to use, or they don’t have the time. Sam can build an online course in as little as ONE DAY, with my VIP Day package. It’s true – ONE DAY!

2. Operations aren’t as smooth as they could be. There’s a lot of “stuff” going on, and things could definitely be streamlined. Sam implements systems to organize and automate many of the business operations, resulting in higher accuracy, response times, and profits. Trust me it works!

For those of you who are systems-thinker and want to carefully analyze whether or not you are ready for a Virtual Assistant, Sam prepared this outline for my blog to help you assess your need for a Virtual Assistant:

Assessing Skills and Specializations: Finding the Perfect Fit for Your Business

by Sam McCracken, owner of Sharp Business Support

Introduction

Setting the Stage: The Challenges of a Disorganized Business
Identifying Common Issues: Lack of Organization, Inefficient Processes, and Time Drain

The Role of Virtual Assistants (VAs)

How Virtual Assistants Can Be the Key to Organizational Transformation

Choosing the Right Virtual Assistant

Assessing Skills and Specializations: Finding the Perfect Fit for Your Business

Implementing Effective Systems

Unleashing Efficiency: How Automation Can Save Time and Resources
Building a Foundation: The Importance of Well-Designed Systems and Processes
Regaining Control: How VAs Help Business Owners Reclaim Their Time

This outline would flush out into a great eBook. Maybe Sam will produce it someday (probably in ONE DAY knowing her). But do you really need an eBook to tell you what you already know that you need. If you are anything like me, you know you need help developing a SYSTEM for your business.

Carpe Diem. Let’s get going. With Sam McCracken by your side, you too will be All Systems Go!

What Are Your Fearless Goals For 2024?

Thu, 18 Jan 2024 18:22:31 GMT

I hope it’s not too late to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR. May 2024 bring you vibrant health, happiness, joy and fulfillment of your professional and personal endeavors. I’m curious what goals have you set for yourself for 2024? What do you hope to accomplish? Where will you put your energy and attention?

I have set some fearless goals for 2024 including finish building a new house (a dream project that my husband and I have been working on solidly for the past 2 years. Time to move in already!), launching a new book called Fearless Female Leaders , with coauthor Rosemary Paetow. This book will be the first in a series of Fearless Leader Books. And of course, I want to expand my signature program, The Fearless Leader . I will do that by building out my team of trained facilitators who can bring the program to move people around the world.

Personally, I would also like to resume traveling and see more of the world. I have my eyes set on Costa Rica and Portugal this year. And, I want to be there for my aging parents and in-laws. That’s primarily what has driven me to select SHOWING UP as my 2024 Word of the Year. I want to show up as my best self every day, everywhere. I intend to show up for myself and for my family. It’s a tall intention, and one that I will no doubt fail and disappoint often. But every morning I ask myself “How will show up today?” I even keep a daily journal to record how I actually show up. So far, I like my chosen Word of the Year and I believe it will serve me well in the remaining 349 days or 8,369 hours in 2024. I have plenty of time and opportunity to show up…and so do you!

What are your fearless goals for 2024?

You might be wondering what I mean by fearless goals? A goal is a goal is a goal, right? When I think of fearless goals I imagine something big and important, that really matters to me, that I really want to accomplish for me… and that scares the living daylights out of me.

When I think of my fearless goals for the future, I am reminded of a quote by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”

What is so important to you that you won’t let something like fear stop you?

Consider these areas of your life

When selecting fearless goals for 2024, consider these different aspects of your life:
1. Professional/occupational
2. Personal
3. Health
4. Family
5. Travel / Adventure
6. Personal Brand
7. Leadership
8. Other

I hosted a recent virtual event called Fearlessly Informal Coffee Chat and we had 23 people attend. In addition to getting to know each other through networking, we discussed two questions in breakout groups:

1. What’s your Word of the Year for 2024? Why did you choose it? How do you see this playing out? Who will help hold you accountable to this intention?

2. What fearless goals have you set for yourself in 2024? Why do these matter so much to you? What strategies will you use to overcome fear and ensure you make progress towards your goals (even if baby steps)

Formalizing your 2024 fearless goals

I invite you to give these above two questions some reflection before the New Year’s spirit gets away from us and we’re in the grind of doing, doing, doing. Why note write a passage of intention in your journal. Share your goals with trusted people in your life and ask them to hold you accountable. You could write a New Year’s Letter and share it with your network. That’s what my mentor and friend, Arthur Samuel Joseph did. And it moved me profoundly.

Who is Arthur? He is one of the world’s foremost authorities on the Human Voice. He is a 7-time author, Master Teacher and creator of the Vocal Awareness Institute. He has coached, trained, supported thousands of world-class athletes, artists, leaders and performers of all kinds, including people from the business world, like me. In fact, I am currently enrolled in his one-year Vocal Awareness Mastermind Group. It is such a privilege to be in the same room as Arthur, even if it’s virtually! With his permission, I am sharing with you his beautiful and inspired words about the importance of

LEGACY – something we all need to be thinking about and doing more carefully.

LEGACY: Arthur’s Annual New Year’s Letter January 10, 2024

As I write this New Year’s letter, I approach a landmark in my life. I will be 78 this month. The landmark is that I begin my 60th year of teaching! Because of this, this year’s letter takes on even greater personal significance for me.

In preparation for this creative moment, I have done a great deal of reflection re-reading many pieces I have written in the past and thinking deeply about the future—not just mine—the future for all of us.

As a country, the U.S. is perhaps experiencing the most challenging time since our Founding Fathers created America. Wherever those of you in the world who will read this letter live, perhaps your country/your society is also struggling.

The ‘overarcing ‘purpose of this letter is to support each of us in being and doing our very best for our Selves, our families and as we choose, the societies in which we live.

In this regard, since the creation of Vocal Awareness, one fundamental goal has always been Personal Sovereignty: To help all those I work with to achieve their own enlightenment and enjoy their own empowerment.

As I continue deepening and evolving within my Self and within the Work throughout the decades, I have come to recognize and respect that of course, as I have always said, ‘Voice is Power’—that When we Own our Voice, We Own our Power’. In my evolution, I have come to grasp what this really means—beyond the obvious—Voice is vibration—it is energy. To enable us to live in the sovereignty of who we are capable of being—’our supreme excellence’—we want to be able to integrate our very vibration, the energy of who we are in full Conscious Awareness in everything we do, everything we feel; everything we say —as integrally as mindfully as honestly as possible within our Self, in our very thoughts and with whomever we speak.

As one of my favorite poets, Rainer Maria Rilke said over a hundred years ago, “I want to unfold. I do not want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am a lie.” Here is another translation of Rilke’s same poem: “I want to unfold. Let no place in me hold itself closed, for wherever I am closed, I am false.” Whatever interpretation/translation one reads, the goal is the same—to live in the truth of who we are—doing and being our very best every single day. Living in this way can enable each of us to truly fulfill our legacy, our promise and through the vibration and energy we carry forth—not simply feel empowered, but actually, be empowered . In turn, in this precarious time rather than being victimized by it, we can instead rise above and perhaps through our Voice, our vibration, our very energy, bring others along with us, enabling our Selves, our community, our families to be healthier, stronger, more compassionate and loving, making the world a better place because we are in it.

In preparing for today, one of my readings was to go back to my first book The Sound of the Soul from 1996. The following excerpt is from the final chapter: ‘Vocal Awareness: Creating a New Mythology.’ “…Vocal Awareness and the dissemination of its principles is my vocation, my calling, my lifelong artistic and professional passion. Why do I tell you this? Not because I think Vocal Awareness will be as central to your life as it is to mine, but because I would like you to see Vocal Awareness as fundamental to your life as breathing and communicating are…The practice of Vocal Awareness can be a bulwark against the changing tides of life. It offers a metaphorical, spiritual, and practical structure upon which, in your way and through your power, you can build a life of honor and success…I hope as you [finish reading this letter], you will see your Self as embarking upon the most exhilarating chapter of your new life…one that has brought you closer to your Self…

I so love living a life guided by and supported with the Conscious Awareness that Vocal Awareness shows me. I merely have to require my Self to surrender to its ethic because Vocal Awareness has taught me so well how to be the best of my Self possible at all times. I long ago recognized that there are no shortcuts, that, in fact, the only way out is through …Continue your ascent. Continue soaring. Feel the full investiture of your Self in every breath, in every sound and with the fullest integration of mind/body/spirit.”

The Sound of the Soul closes with a quote from a poem by the Nobel Laureate, Seamus Heaney. As this poem was so seminal in my personal evolution, I quoted it before and am passing the last stanza on once again as part of My Legacy as I begin my 60th year of teaching as it explains why God gave me Vocal Awareness at such an early stage of my life as my Journey was just beginning. “…I rhyme to see myself. To set the darkness echoing.” I was given Vocal Awareness to see, heal my Self, claim my Self, better serve God, the Work and by extension help others do the same.

May this year’s letter contribute to your legacy and be as a beacon that illuminates your path, your Journey, helping you in even some small way reach the fulfillment of your Deeper Self as you claim the life you deserve.

Here’s to a bountiful 2024 and beyond!

Sincerely,

Arthur

Accountability Can Be Your Superpower

Mon, 02 Jan 2023 18:40:39 GMT

Did you know that the nemesis known as Procrastination cannot withstand the light and power of Accountability? Here’s how to make Accountability your superpower in 2023.

New Year – New Goals

There’s something magical about the beginning of a new calendar year. A fresh start – new possibilities. It can make you feel like you can do ANYTHING – just like superheroes!

But, there are no superheroes, and life is incredibly demanding. The sensible part of us knows that and realizes that we shouldn’t fool ourselves into thinking things will be different just because the calendar has ticked over to a new year. Goal setting alone won’t make our dreams come true. Unless we do something different. As they say, No Change, no change .

So why is it that one of the most common new years activities is to set new goals and make resolutions? Perhaps it is because it’s fun to dream about positive change. It’s exciting to envision a new you, one that is slimmer, healthier, happier, and infinitely more successful, etc.

But deep down we all know that making big, sustainable change happen is only possible through discipline, action, support, consistent effort, sacrifice, etc. etc. Well, that’s not easy nor is it fun. Maybe that’s why so many people abandon their new year’s goals and resolutions so quickly.

So, what’s missing?

In one word: Accountability.

Here’s a compelling excerpt from Ohio State University blog post:

“Plenty of people set goals, but few create a way to be accountable for them. Studies have shown that people who write a goal and identify a way to be accountable for it are twice as likely to achieve that goal than someone who thinks about it or writes it down. Goal accountability means that you are responsible not only to set and achieve goals but to find some way to be accountable to someone other than yourself.”

Source: https://fisher.osu.edu/blogs/leadreadtoday/blog/new-years-resolution-accountability

It’s true! Accountability is often the missing ingredient in goal setting. It’s like accidently leaving out the baking soda in your favorite cake recipe. It fails to rise. Your results are flat and disappointing.

Rethinking Accountability

When thinking more deeply about such things, I often find it helpful to consult the online dictionary. What is the meaning and origin of these words and concepts that we so commonly speak?

Definitions (sources: Cambridge English Dictionary and good old Google)

Goal Setting: the process of deciding what you want to achieve or what you want someone else to achieve over a particular period
Accountable: the fact of being responsible for what you do and able to give a satisfactory reason for it, or the degree to which this happens.
Accountability: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions

Synonyms for Accountable: responsible, liable, answerable, obligated, indebted, amenable, obliged, beholden
Antonyms for Accountable: irresponsible, exempt, immune, unaccountable, nonaccountable

I am aware that the word Accountability (like the word Discipline) carries a negative connotation. It can feel punitive and harsh. We see these words appear often in the context of criminal justice or a political scandal. And while “lying is not a crime” you may (or may not) be held accountable for lying on your resume when running for let’s say, Congress.

Being successful should not just be about avoiding accountability (aka, not getting caught). Accountability could and should be used more positivity and proactively. It is a desired attribute we should encourage and cultivate in ourselves, our team, and our families. Maybe we could even think about it as a habit?

What can accountability do for you?

I believe that accountability can be your superpower! It can turn an ordinary professional into a high achiever. It can be help you fend off the procrastination, excuses, and fear that have been slowing down your progress and postponing your goals. As Bob Proctor was fond of saying, “Accountability is the glue that ties commitment to the result.” Most people have plenty of commitment, they are short on glue. Hence, no results.

The hardest part about accountability is trying to do it all by yourself. You will need an accountability partner (or buddy) to help you in accessing this superpower. Don’t keep it a secret and don’t try to go it alone. ASK FOR HELP from someone you trust. Ask them to help hold you accountable for what you say is important in your life.

I like to think of accountability as insurance for my goals and success.

What will this require of you?

Like other forms of insurance, accountability comes with a premium and deductibles. Accountability will require you to do a few uncomfortable things at first, including:

1. trust someone
2. be vulnerable
3. embrace transparency
4. admit your failings and shortcomings
5. be honest with yourself
6. ask for help

But the good news is that Accountability will become more natural and normal the more you do it. It is possible to make Accountability a good habit in your life. It’s good insurance to have – accountability will help protect your assets and your future success!

More Accountability = More Success!

To help myself and others in my network tap into the superpower of accountability, I have created a new program called Fearless Accountability . It’s a butt-kicking monthly virtual support group for aspiring fearless leaders who want to stay on track and build momentum in their careers and lives. Our motto is “More Accountability = More Success!”

What is it all about?

We meet the first Thursday of each month on Zoom for a 90-minutes to get clear and transparent about what we are each doing (or not doing so well) to move towards our stated goals. We use a proprietary Accountability Habit Tracker to increase awareness and practices that support our goal success.

Every month, participants in the Fearless Accountability program identify and share with their monthly accountability buddy 3 action goals that they will complete during that month using the Action of Agreement tool. I have used this tool for years with clients who have taken my presentation skills training classes. Your leadership journey will require you to continuously set new goals and make investments to develop yourself.

We also use a proprietary Habit Tracker to make sure you have the awareness and best practices to support your development and success.

Free Helpful Tool

As my New Year’s gift to you, please DOWNLOAD the tool and use it!

Tool – Agreement of Action for Accountable Leaders

If you are serious about reaching your goals and building momentum in your career and life, then I invite you to join the Fearless Accountability group. Space is limited to 20 participants. Next team meeting is January 5, 2023 from 11am-12:30pm EST.It’s affordable and it’s fun! (really!)

We have room for a few more people. How about you?

Enroll at www.FearlessAccountability.com

Accountability is calling to you. It needs you. And we’re here to pick up that call and help you MOVE FORWARD in the direction of your goals and dreams.

Let’s make 2023 a year we can all be proud of!

Make Those Courage Calls

Thu, 22 Dec 2022 18:48:21 GMT

December can be a challenging month. We make the assumption that business leaders are very busy and unavailable with quarterly and annual year end business push. Like us, we know that working professionals are consumed not only with their demanding jobs, but with the holiday season.

We make the false assumption that they are not open to hearing from us. We don’t want to burden them. So, we don’t call. We don’t reach out. We go quiet. And we let an entire month slip by. It’s a bad decision and one that will cost you time, momentum, and opportunity.

It’s time to make those Courage Calls!

I’ve made more than my fair share of courage calls and they have paid of big time. Not only in winning new business (yes, getting YES’s during the crazy month of December), but also winning respect and faith in myself and my abilities.

Does that sound like something you’d like to do?

If so, you should consider joining my new program, Fearless Accountability . It’s a butt-kicking support group for fearless leaders (and aspiring fearless leaders) who want to STAY on track.

We meet virtually on the first Thursday of every month to help hold each other accountable to our commitments and goals. We don’t allow each other to wiggle out of things with excuses or fear or avoidance. We don’t try to impress each other. We practice shame-free tough love and support. We even have a digital habit tracker to ensure we are practicing the behaviors and mindset that leads to success.

Our motto is: “More Accountability = More Success.”

We believe that accountability and success are intertwined. You can’t have one without the other.

Find out more at www.FearlessAccountabilty.com

Here’s to building greater MOMENTUM in 2023, making those courage calls, and following through on the actions that will lead us to achieving our goals and fulfilling our potential!

I'm Not Done Yet... Are You?

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Sat, 17 Sep 2022 20:55:05 GMT

It’s funny how great news can sometimes turn your whole life upside down and cause you great consternation.

For me that moment came in a planning meeting with our financial advisor. At our request, she was running a few scenarios to see how and when we might be ready for retirement. She shared some of her assumptions, including the one where she assumed we would retire in January. I said to her, “you mean this coming January? Like in 5 weeks?” She said, “Yes. And looks like you can do it. If you want to, you can begin your retirement this January.”

That conversation was 10 months ago, and my head is still spinning.

On the one hand, I was very excited (and relieved) that we could begin to draw down on our retirement savings to pay for our living expenses. On the other hand, I was scared, confused and uncertain about what this transition would mean to my business? my work? my brand? my identity? (And to be completely honest, my EGO). I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to “retire” in the classic sense.

There were many restless nights. I experienced a level of angst that surprised me. How could I be so unhappy with such a blessing? My husband thought I was nuts.

That’s when I realized planning for retirement and being ready to retire is NOT just about the money. There’s an emotional and mental piece to this big life transitions. There’s real fear. There’s concern over loss of identity, relevance, meaning, purpose. What will become of America’s Marketing Motivator if I retire? Who’s going want to hire me when I tell them I’ve retired. Maybe that’s why I’ve had trouble writing this blog post. Would you believe I started it last December??? The original title I envisioned for this blog post was “Stepping into a New Arena.” My final title is a bit more truthful – “I’m not done yet.”

Then I remembered my Word-of-the-Year for 2022. My focus word was EVOLVE. I was evolving and that means change.

I found two definitions of evolve in the online dictionary:

develop gradually, especially from a simple to a more complex form.
give off (gas or heat)

I guess I’m in for both. Changing, morphing, and yes, outgassing. Better out than in Shrek always says.

For the first few months, I tried to figure out myself what this transition would or should mean to me. I didn’t get very far. Still uncertain and uncomfortable.

Then I reached out to Wendy Green to see if she could help guide me. Wendy is the host of the Hey,Boomer Live Show and podcast and she’s a graduate of my Fearless Leader program.

Full Disclosure: I am a member of her Advisory Panel and have been helping to guide her as she grows her new business and brand. I’d been listening with great joy to her weekly shows live streamed on Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube.

And Wendy asked for our feedback about launching a new 6-week group workshop called What’s Next?, I thought it was a smart business move. When Wendy shared the mission of the What’s Next? program which is to support evolving adults as they shift from full-time work to their next chapter , I suddenly realized that I would be the ideal prospect for this new program. It was something about the word “evolving” that called to me. I needed this!

And so, I enrolled. I committed to the What’s Next? 6-session group workshop.

It’s an odd feeling to switch chairs. When the teacher becomes the student. When the consultant becomes the client. There’s a certain level of vulnerability and trust that you must create and honor. And with Wendy Green now as MY coach, MY mentor, MY guide, I quickly realized that I was in excellent hands.

I’d like to share 8 things I loved most about my experience in the What’s Next? program with Wendy Green.

It was a truly excellent program. Real & relevant.
It came as the exact right time in my life. (Okay, it could have been useful a few years before, but I wasn’t aware enough to know that I needed it.)
Wendy Green is a highly skilled professional coach. She is intuitive, compassionate, and pushy when she needs to be.
This program provided me with practical tools and valuable resources. My favorite being the Life Themes Profiler assessment, and book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life Changes (40th anniversary edition!) by William and Susan Bridges.
I met new people in this program that I would otherwise never have known. Observing, supporting, and getting to know them and their What’s Next? journey was extremely helpful. I now know that I’m not alone in this struggle.
I came away from the course with a six-month and a 1-year action plan. This has provided me with great comfort and clarity. I review it regularly and have been able to celebrate a few WINS. I’m building momentum in my What’s Next? phase of life.
Accountability. Wendy has stayed in touch with me, sending me emails reminding me of what I said I wanted in the next chapter of my life and to see how I’m doing. She hasn’t forgotten about me. This business of transitioning takes time, and you will need ongoing support.
Great value. The fee for the course is ridiculously affordable. An easy YES. And the value that you get out of this experience is truly priceless. If you pressed me for an ROI figure, I would estimate….hmmm…at least 1000%. Yah, that’s about right. Now, I sleep better at night.

I’m not done yet. Are you?

As a result of taking the What’s Next? program and doing the reflection and work of transition, I have more clarity about my vision, mission, and purpose and how I want things to roll moving forward. I’ve decided that “I’m Not Done Yet.” (I just love saying that. It’s so affirming and energizing.) I suppose it is also true to say that I’m stepping into a new arena – one of my own design and choosing.

Now I see more clearly what’s possible in this next chapter of my life and I’m excited by it. It will include a multitude of things that bring me JOY such as mentoring others through The Fearless Leader program. I have also decided the things I will let go of and what I won’t do. (Wait for it? I am no longer doing keynote speaking. That decision even surprised me.) And I do want to smell the roses, tend my garden, take long walks daily, and take on small projects, like building a new house (okay that’s a HUGE project).

If Anthony Fauci (age 81) and Serena Williams (age 40) can do this thing called retire AND still have purpose, relevance, passion and goals, then so can I. So can you. We just need to face the fear (of retirement) and do it anyway.

Get the Help You Need to Navigate Transitions

It took me 10 months to finish this blog I started way back when I got the “great news” that I could retire financially. I couldn’t do it on my own. I was struggling. It was mentally and emotionally confusing and painful.

But I’m here to tell you now that I am getting through this transition just fine. But I know that are others out there who are struggling with the idea of retirement. And they aren’t dealing with it head on. They are delaying the examination until it hits them square in the face. Bam.

So…

If you are a mid-life working professional like me (yes, I turned 60!) who is heading towards retirement (or recently retired) but are not sure what you want in this next phase of your life, then I recommend you reach out to Wendy and learn more about the What’s Next? group coaching program.

And to the financial planners who are working with clients all day long to help prepare them financially for retirement, PLEASE let them know about Wendy Green and her program. Your clients will need more than just their 401K funds to enter retirement. They need other levels of support and guidance. Don’t try to be their therapist. Introduce them to Wendy Green, the Boomer Coach.

And to the companies , leaders, bosses who have people in their companies who will be nearing retirement soon, consider gifting them more than just a nice going away party and a pretty but useless retirement clock. Here’s a brilliant idea: Why not hire Wendy Green to facilitate a private cohort group of the What’s Next program for the pre- and post-retirees at your company. After all, they’ve given the best of years to grow your business, they deserve to be supported more fully as they leave your company.

Passing The Baton

Fri, 12 Nov 2021 19:21:16 GMT

I’ve been thinking a lot of gender equity these days. Well, actually gender inequity.

Perhaps it was prompted by the daily news barrage or pending legislation that threatens to strip women and minorities of their constitutional rights. Or maybe it was from watching TV shows that made me dream of a better world in which women and girls can rise to the very top of their professions…and thrive. Good fictional writers can help us envision a world that is full of possibilities.

For example, my husband and I just finished watching all four seasons of the Amazon Prime original series, Mozart in the Jungle . And we just loved it. The story was inspired by Blair Tindall’s 2005 memoir, Mozart in the Jungle: Sex, Drugs, and Classical Music. Tindall, an accomplished oboist, spent 23 years as a professional musician in New York City, playing with such groups as the New York Philharmonic, Orpheus Chamber Orchestra, and the Orchestra of St. Luke’s, presenting a critically acclaimed solo debut at Carnegie Recital Hall, and earning a jazz Grammy nomination. Indeed, she had reached the pinnacle of success in her field.

In the last episode of the fourth and final season, the charismatic conductor, maestro Rodrigo de Souza, played by actor Gael García Bernal, skips out on a big performance, but not before he hands the leadership reigns over to a very talented young musician and aspiring conductor, Hailey Rutledge. A woman.

Watch this short video, as actor Lola Clementine Kirke, who plays Hailey Rutledge in the TV series, conducts an ensemble premiering a new piece written by a female composer. This inspiring performance gives me the chills every time I watch it.

At the end of the season (and end of the series) we don’t know if this event was a big spotlight on Hailey’s new career and potential as a conductor, or if she might be considered as Rodrigo’s successor as the new conductor of the New York Symphony.

The dreamer in me likes to think it might be possible for her to be selected as the new conductor of the New York Symphony. But the realist in me thinks it is highly unlikely. Like many industries, the classical music industry is male-dominated. It is a rare thing to see a female conductor in a position of power in the classical music field. Of all the orchestras registered by the League of American Orchestras — which run from community and youth orchestras to multi-million dollar budgets — only about 9% have women as their music directors.

But still, a girl can dream…

In Pursuit of Gender Equity

It feels like an ongoing dance of two steps forward and five steps back. The data speaks for itself…
A total of 41 (8.2%) of the Fortune 500 list are run by women CEO’s. ( updated 2021 ).
Of the S&P 500 company list, women currently hold only 29 of the CEO positions (5.8%) while women constitute 45% of their workforce. (source: Institute for Women’s Leadership at Nicolas College )
Although boardroom diversity is increasing, women remain underrepresented, and progress is slow. And when women do make the board, their board tenures are shorter, and women are less likely to hold leadership positions than men. (source: Catalyst )
It took 245 years for the United States to elect it’s first female Vice President. We have yet to have a woman President.
COVID-19 pandemic causes millions of women to leave the workforce to care for their children and families.
Very little progress (or interest) in closing the wage gap between men’s salaries and women’s salaries (especially women of color).
New law in Texas strips women of fundamental rights over their bodies, while incentivizing complete strangers to act as bounty hunters, earning money as they sue anyone who would help these women get the health care they need.

Clearly we are a long way from gender equity. But courageous people continue to speak out about the issue…and the opportunity. They help us to broaden our perspectives and to change our behaviors and decisions about women and leadership. One such person is Dr. Paula Stone Williams.

I had the good fortune of interviewing Dr. Paula Stone Williams for my new book on the topic of fearless leadership (scheduled for release in 2022). One of my coaching clients recommended that I watch Paula’s 2017 TEDx talk about her experience transitioning genders. Her first TEDx talk was entitled “ I’ve lived as a man and a woman, here’s what I learned. ” She has done two other TED talks and in 2021 Simon & Schuster published her memoir entitled “ As a Woman: What I learned about power, sex, and the patriarchy after I transitioned. ” I read the book cover to cover... and loved it.

I’ve chosen to share Paula’s third TED talk in my blog today because she introduces a really bold idea. She suggests that rather than men just making room for women at the leadership table, that they give up their own leadership seat to a woman. Give up. Step aside. Give you what was given to me – privilege and opportunity – so that you can fulfill your potential.

Now, that’s a lot to ask of a man. Or anyone really. And maybe men aren’t quite ready to sacrifice that much to help women achieve gender equity. But just imagine what the world would be like if more men would give up their male privilege to help women get ahead?

“We will not achieve gender equity just by giving women more leadership opportunities. We will not achieve gender equity until you are willing to give women YOUR leadership opportunities.” – Dr. Paula Stone Williams, TEDx MileHigh talk 2020

What are you willing to do to achieve gender equity?

Think about your wives and daughters, sisters and aunts, female friends and neighbors. Think about your female colleagues and customers, female teachers and educators, female caretakers, female nurses and female doctors, female public servants, female military officers, female entrepreneurs and female small business owners.

Is it right or good to hold them back from reaching their full potential? I think not.

Gender equality is in everyone’s best interest.

4 Responses to “Passing the Baton ”

Yolanda Canny November 12, 2021
Kathy, great blog w really powerful examples. We may need to reinvent the meaning of leadership vs authority vs power. It’s an intriguing way to challenge ourselves and the status quo – such an important topic for all the women!

Kathy McAfee Americas Marketing Motivator November 12, 202 1
I like your idea of reinventing/redefining what LEADERSHIP means. The old “power and authority” model may be worn out and limited. Thanks for reading and responding to my blog post.

Ellen Estes November 12, 2021
Hi Kathy. Thanks so much for your great blog today. Got me thinking… I was one of 12 women (in a class of 185 students) in the Yale Law School Class of 1963. Those were interesting – and challenging – times. Yes – the past 50+ years have provided advancements in the struggle toward gender equality – but much, much, more remains to be done. There are so many tales to be told. So many ideas to explore… I would love to talk with you at some point – just to exchange ideas…I know how busy you are…

Thanks again for your thoughtful column. All best. Ellen

Wendy Green November 16, 2021

Kathy, as usual, you have written another thought provoking blog. As women, we have been advocating for women’s rights for many decades. I had an interesting conversation with my Millennial nephew and his girlfriend yesterday about equity vs equality as it relates to race. This discussion certainly crosses many aspects of our society.

The Networking Funnel of Opportunity

Thu, 23 Sep 2021 18:41:59 GMT

At a networking skills CPE class that I facilitated a few years ago, an accountant asked me a very insightful question:

How do you turn a new contact into a meaningful connection?

That got me thinking more deeply about what’s involved in actually forming relationships – the kind that can really help you advance your career, business and life.

I sketched out my initial thoughts on a flip chart right there in the class (see image to the right), but I knew that the question deserved more thought. This flip chart has been displayed in my office for the past 3 months. [note: no PowerPoint slide would have had that kind of staying power]

How do you measure networking success?

In today’s age of digital media, many of us are under the false impression that our social media friends are “real” friends. Perhaps some are, but most of them are just contacts. People may have randomly clicked the “Connect” or “Add Friend” button. (what I call the “lazy button”). If they are a friend of a friend, then they pass the test and you accept their invitation.

As of this moment in time, I have 1,518 friends on Facebook. Does that make me more liked and accepted than the person who has only 500? Does it make me less successful than someone who has accumulated 50,000 friends on Facebook? Are these real friends or followers or just random strangers?

What about LinkedIn? I get invitations every day from strangers, most using the default invitation message. Some invites have no picture to go with a name. Is it safe to let them into your professional network? Some say that the more online connections one has, the more career and business opportunities you can create? Right? Maybe not…

The Funnel of Networking Opportunity

What I love about the networking process is that it has the potential to turn strangers into life-long friends. Of course this takes an incredible amount of time, energy, alignment, and good fortune to move from the top of the funnel to the bottom of the funnel. Not every relationship will move through to the concentrated end point. Nor should they. Notice how this networking funnel has open spaces or leaks. Some people come into your life for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. A networking relationship, like any relationship, is “at-will” and requires both parties to make the investment of time, energy, and mutual respect to maintain and grow.

Let me walk you through my thoughts as to how networking relationships migrate through this metaphorical funnel and what you can do to develop your new connections to the next stages of value.

Stage #1 – Stranger

We all start out as strangers. People who don’t yet know each other. You might have something in common, such as a common friend, the same school or community, or maybe even you come from the same race – the human race. So even though you don’t know each other, you don’t have to fear strangers. As Will Rogers once said, “A stranger is just a friend I haven’t met yet.”

Actions you can take at this stage: Reach out and introduce yourself. Be civil, polite, and friendly. Don’t be creepy and get too familiar too soon. Don’t stalk. (remember that LinkedIn is not a dating site). Allow this stranger to choose to accept your invitation or decline. If you really want to meet them, ask a mutual friend to introduce you.

Stage #2 – Contact

You’ve made contact either on-line or in person, but still you don’t know a lot about each other. Your brain hasn’t yet found a place to file both the face and the name, but if things continue, you might just open up a mental file folder for this new person. You might find that you start to run into each other at events (online or in person) and you need to be reminded of their name. For all intents and purposes, they are a number to you. Don’t expect too much at this stage. You don’t have enough relationship equity to ask for anything…yet.

Actions you can take at this stage: You need to make the effort to get to know them. Spend some time researching their background on line. Find out what common connections you have with this person. Where and how do your paths cross? If you are feeling brave, reach out online or via telephone to re-introduce yourself and spend a few minutes to learn more about them. Get their full contact details and send a personalized invitation to connect to the online network that they prefer.

Stage #3 Connection

By good fortune, you have discovered that you have something in common – perhaps a shared experience, common friends, common goals or beliefs. You can now relate to each other and this starts to build the rapport process. You can laugh, smile and converse more easily with this connection. You start to notice things about them that you appreciate. You suspect that you might be able to help them or they might be able to help you move towards your goals. You enjoy their company and are curious to learn more about each other.

Actions you can take at this stage: Make note of your conversation and what they shared with you. Send them a personalized follow up, noting these items and demonstrating that you paid attention and have a genuine interest in them. If you haven’t yet captured their contact details, please do so at this time. Make sure you are connected online and can easily communicate.
If this connection is really interesting to you, invite them to have virtual networking coffee chat with you. I use Calendly scheduling system to make scheduling easy and automated. It’s linked to my Google calendar so I can avoid scheduling conflicts. Also no more back and forth scheduling hell.
Or maybe you might invite them to join you at a networking event that you plan to attend (virtual or in person). If you see an article or other resource that you think would interest them, send it. If you promised to make any introductions for them, do so promptly and professionally.

Stage #4 Relationship

Time has passed and you have both invested in this relationship. You have spent quality time together. You know some details of their professional and personal life that they have shared with you. You respect and honor the confidence and trust that they have bestowed upon you. You genuinely want to see them succeed and fulfill their goals. They wish you the best as well. At this stage, you find yourself freely giving and receiving feedback, introductions, guidance, and help. You can easily pick up the telephone and speak to them. You might even reach out to them on behalf of another person. You have established relationship equity and you want to protect and nurture it.

Actions you can take at this stage: Stay in regular touch (at least every 2 months of so). Inquire about their family and the things that are important to them. Don’t just talk business. Get personal and show that you care. Send them birthday cards. Celebrate their successes. Communicate actively (telephone and face to face), and passively (social media, email, written correspondence). Make an effort to help them achieve their goals, through facilitated networking introductions and supporting the causes that they champion. Have breakfast/lunch or dinner with them at least once/year.

Stage #5 Strategic Partner

Your relationship has entered this exciting next stage. You have created enough trust, understanding and compatibility that it makes sense to align your careers/businesses for mutual growth. Perhaps there is opportunity to refer each other to clients and prospects. Maybe you’d like to evolve this connection into a formal mentoring relationship. Perhaps you might even consider starting a business together or collaborating on new ventures, while maintaining your legal/financial independence. It may be advisable to document your agreements in writing and have an attorney review it. Discuss plainly your vision for how this partnership will work and what processes you will follow.

Actions you can take at this stage: If you sense that there is strategic potential in this relationship, invite the other person to consider formalizing your relationship. You will need to be very transparent and forthcoming with your strategic partner in order to make it work. Clarify expectations, be transparent and forthcoming when you share information and goals. Treat this information as confidential. Schedule regular meetings (in person or virtually) and conversations as this is essential to maintain the health of this strategic partnership. Your investment of time, money and energy will largely determine the success of this partnership. Build something together. Back each other up.

Stage #6 Lifelong Friend

It’s amazing to reach this pinnacle level of friendship – one that endures the test of time and all trials and tribulations. Friendships are connections that go beyond circumstance and transactions. These people have your back. They are there for you when you need them and will help you both personally and professionally. They are forthcoming and give you the feedback that other people may be afraid to give you. They have been to your home. You have been to their home. You may have even taken vacations, trips or outings with these friends. You are comfortable doing business with them, and sharing the more personal aspects of your life. If you asked them, they would drop everything to be there for you. You have done the same for them.

Actions you can take at this stage: Don’t take them for granted. This is a significant relationship in your life. Don’t let them drift away. Make it a priority to connect regularly with them, and to spend quality time together. Be loyal and faithful to them. If you are in town, make an effort to stop by and visit. Pick up the phone and reach out. Even if you get their voice mail, hearing your voice will make them feel better. Send cards, write letters, share photos, create memories together. You are there to lift each other up. Encourage, support and motivate each other! In sickness and in health, you are there for them.

Put these ideas into action

Review your professional and personal networks. Ask yourself which people are in which stages of the networking funnel of opportunity. Are you happy where they are, or do you think there is more (or less) potential with that person. Realize that you cannot move everyone through this funnel at the same time. You will most surely get a major clog.

Decide which relationships deserve more nurturing – more of your time and attention. Then start applying your relationship-building skills…at work, at home, in your community. Your relationships will not only determine how much social capital you have, but also how much happiness and belonging you experience.

Need more help leveraging your professional network to grow your career and business?

1. Read my book, Networking Ahead 3rd edition . Available in paperback at Amazon and eBook ( Kindle and Nook ).

2. Become a bold, more fearless networker by enrolling in my 8-week group mentoring virtual program, The Fearless Leader – designed to help you to get your career, business, and life back on track. Feel the fear and network anyway! Learn more at www.TheFearlessLeader.com

3. Invite me to be your guest speaker to your networking group, or hire me as your keynote speaker for your upcoming conference or meeting.

4. Hire me as an expert trainer to improve your team’s skills and confidence in the critical area of networking and relationship building. Click here to see my training programs and webinars.

Ageless Conversations

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 18:52:22 GMT

Is it true what they say about every generation criticizing the one that follows?

If so, how can we prevent ageism from creeping into our thoughts and polluting our relationships? What can we do to foster and engage in more ageless conversations in our workplaces and beyond?

I ask these questions because I recently had an unpleasant experience while attending a virtual networking group. I’ve been processing the experience over the last few days and felt compelled to write a blog about it. If nothing else, but to get it out of my system.

To set the context: I attended a very informative, interactive and professionally moderated webinar on entrepreneurship. They shared ideas and recommendations for accessing capital in order to grow your business. They discussed the importance of having a business plan and knowing how to talk about your business to bankers and other financiers. I was taking notes!

After the formal event was concluded, they invited the participants to hang around and do some networking. Their web platform (which was very cool) allowed people to select one of six networking rooms to virtually walk in on. I decided to hang around for this post-event networking so that I could meet some of the other people attending the virtual event. “What the heck,” I thought to myself. “I could meet some interesting new people, expand and diversify my network. And it might just be fun.”

It started out okay. There didn’t seem to be a facilitator or structure or ground rules. Just 6 strangers put into a virtual room to figure it out. We started off with an easy ice-breaker, “Where are you calling in from today?” Then we graduated to “What was your big takeaway from today’s panel discussion?” After that, things started going south.

One participant began to heavily complain about millennials. Apparently based on his experience with his five adult children (who apparently failed to launch), he felt justified in trash-talking the entire generation. We tried to reason with him and offer other perspectives, but he would have none of it. He dug into his age bias and continued to generalize and condemn young professionals. His commentary and behavior were so unsavory that I felt compelled to intervene and redirect the conversation.

I could feel my heart rate increase. I thought about “leaving” the virtual room to get away. But something held me there – the need to say something, to be candid, to call out unjust bias. I mustered the social and intellectual courage I needed to say what needed to be said. With a calm and collected voice, I said to him, “I have to be candid with you; this conversation has become unproductive and a bit offensive. I think we should change the topic.”

And then instantly, he signed off. His picture and name left the screen. Poof. He was gone.

It was a surprise, but a welcome one. I was relieved. I think we all were. We dusted ourselves off, and without disparaging him in his absence, we pivoted to a completely new topic. The networking conversation got much more interesting and professional from that point forward. By the end of the conversation, I found myself in conversations with professionals from the country of Panama, Madrid/Spain and Houston/Texas. From then on, it was really interesting and fun to be part of this virtual group networking conversation.

What did I learn from this experience?

Generalizing can be dangerous. It promotes faulty thinking and can lead to bias, stereotypes and discrimination.

Being negative is not good. While we all have the need to vent from time to time, you have to be careful when and with whom you do this with. Complaining and/or speaking poorly of other people has a boomerang effect – it will reflect poorly on your personal brand. (Note: It would be a fair criticism of me, as the writer of this blog post, to say that I am being negative, and that I am complaining about others those complain. Kind of ironic?)

Being candid is important. Don’t let fear of rejection, social embarrassment or intimidating bullies stop you from saying what needs to be said. Being frank, open and sincere in your communication and expression will help you reclaim your voice and authenticity.

Don’t contribute to ageism. Criticizing young people makes you look and sound old. Stop doing this. Change your mindset.

We all have to get along. We are living and working in a multi-generational society. At present, the five generations in the workplace include:

Traditionalists – born 1927–to-1945
Baby Boomers – born 1946-to-1964
Generation X – born 1965-to-1980
Millennials – born 1981-to-2000
Generation Z – born 2001-to-2020

And of course, there’s this realization….

Every generation criticizes the one that follows

This experience made me curious about why it is that the older generations seem to berate the younger generations. Was this just a one-off experience of mine? Is this a trend? Or is this a historical norm?

I found an informative article on the Wall Street Journal website entitled “ Why the Old Look Down on the Young ” by Alison Gopnik (posted Dec 5, 2019). Based on a recent research study, the article suggests that “the younger generation isn’t getting worse; older people just like to think they are.”

A research paper that appeared in the Science Advances journal ( you can download the full research paper ) has some delightful and surprising findings. Authors John Protzko and Jonathan Schooler of the University of California at Santa Barbara summarize their findings with the term, “kids these days” illusion.

Here are a few insights from the study and the WSJ article:

Old folks who are complaining were once on the receiving end of the same complaints themselves.
Older people weren’t responding to objective facts about the young, instead they were making subjective comparisons in which they themselves came off best.
Older folks compare those young people to their own memories of what they were like at the same age. Only those memories are unreliable.
When we complain about the next generation, we’re actually comparing them to an idealized version of our own past, obscured by the flattering fog of memory.

Finally…

When it comes to getting along, both young and old need to keep an open mind and heart, maintain a positive attitude and a good sense of humor. Let’s all strive to have more “ageless conversations.”

These quotes might help put us in a good frame of mind:

“It’s the times. Young people these days. No respect for their elders. The way they throw rocks at our houses. We used to throw rocks. Yeah, but we did it respectively.” ~ Chris Willrich, science fiction writer/author

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” ~ Mark Twain

“Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.” ~ Tom Wilson

“Age is not important unless you’re a cheese.” ~ Helen Hayes

“Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.” ~ Henry Ford

“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.” ~ Sophia Loren

“The youth is the hope of our future.” ~ Jose Rizal

“That’s where the future lies, in the youth of today.” ~ Willie Stargell

Need More Patience?

Tue, 04 May 2021 19:04:06 GMT

They say that patience is a virtue, but why does it have to so painfu l?

If you are like me, an Achiever who has a bias towards action, you want to see things get done in a timely fashion (aka fast!). Making progress on important projects and initiatives creates satisfaction in one’s work. It creates momentum in one’s life. But not everyone moves at the same speed. Rushing people and pushing too hard can create negative side effects, like longer delays, more errors and problems, and it can even put a dent in an otherwise solid relationships.

I have recently experienced the need for greater patience on a personal project. My husband and I are building a new house. It’s been a dream that we’ve been talking about for many years. Three years ago we purchased the lot next to our current home. We began to clear the land and prepare the site, and then COVID-19 hit. With things being so uncertain, we put this particular project on hold. But in heart it was still alive and vibrant. Each day I would look out over the empty lot and I could SEE our new house in place. But alas it was but a vision. We were in the suspended state of “wanting and waiting.”

Over the summer we had the good fortune of reconnecting with a long time friend who had just retired from a long and successful career in architecture. He generously offered to work with us on customizing our house plans. It was an exciting process. Within a few weeks, we had things nailed down and were ready to submit the plans to our town for review and approval.

Then the town informed us that because there was a creek behind our property that we had to get special clearance from the Army Corp of Engineers to ensure environmental sustainability and protection of the waterways and habitat. Having never worked before with this organization before, we made the necessary calls and sent the emails. We read up on all sorts of documents online which introduced new terms and considerations that we had no clue about.

It took 3 weeks to schedule the engineer to come to our property. On that date, she informed that we were good to go . There were no issues that she could find that would prevent us from building a home on this site. (Note: a spontaneous happy dance erupted at that moment.) But before we could submit our plans to the town for approval, she needed to write up and issue the full report. She couldn’t give us an estimated turnaround time, but did promise to have it done before she left on maternity leave (Yes, she was pregnant). We laughed awkwardly, but we didn’t feel comfortable probing for more specific information on her due date. So we waited. We checked in every week or so. And we waited some more. In fact, we waited for 50 days after her visit.

Things were moving so slowly, at a snail’s pace. I almost felt like it would never happen. My husband and I got into a few uncomfortable discussions about how to interact with the Army Corps of Engineers. My more direct and assertive style and “Go and Get” personality, was 180 degrees different from my husband’s casual, kind and patient style and his “Wait and See” personality. He felt that pushing hard would be a bad thing to do in this case, while I viewed as reasonable and appropriate. People need to be held accountable, right?

Not wanting to blow up things on the home front, I took a step back. I tried several strategies to become more patient with this process, including:

Detaching myself from the outcome
Practicing mindful meditation
Love and let go
Surrendering to a higher power (e.g., the Army Corps of Engineers)
Repeating The Serenity Prayer
Chilling out with a glass of wine
Visualizing the final outcome
Saying the daily manta – “This too shall pass”
Letting go of the dream (sad face)
Focusing on other things

Dealing with Prolonged Periods of Waiting

While I was going through this unavoidable and awkward dance with patience , I had conversation with a few clients whose patience meters are, by necessity, much higher than mine. In fact, I have one client who is a Mexican national. She is living here in the USA with her husband who is employed by a large company on a special work VISA. My client has been told by the USA immigration folks that she “cannot work.” Even the appearance of working or earning money from her services could jeopardize her green card application. And yet she longs to contribute. She is so incredibly talented, creative, energetic, and has SO MUCH value to offer the USA and all the people fortunate enough to collaborate her. I felt her pain. And then referred her to an immigration attorney to get clarity what she could do and couldn’t do while she was in this prolonged waiting period.

Balancing Urgency and Patience

Thinking about who I could turn to for advice and counsel on this matter, I thought immediately of Brandon Smith, who is known as The Workplace Therapist.

I had the pleasure of meeting Brandon a few years ago while attending the Indie Books Family and Friends Forum – 3-day conference for authors and speakers in beautiful San Diego, California. Brandon impressed me immediately. I find him to be a genuine, compassionate, well-spoken, and approachable professional. His is a very likeable and knowledgeable expert in his field.

We have stayed in touched since that first meet up. In fact, he invited me to appear as a featured guest on his podcast, The Workplace Therapist Show . I’ve been following his work with interest ever since.

Brandon recently released a new book called T he Hot Sauce Principle: How to Live and Lead in a World Where Everything is Urgent All of the Time .

His book proudly sits on my bookshelf. I reached for it as I was writing this blog. But I got impatient when I couldn’t immediately find what I was looking for, so I picked up the phone and left him a voicemail message. (Yes, another example of the need for patience and how urgency can create problems). He kindly returned my call within 30 minutes and we had a productive conversation. In fact, he shared a personal story of being at the gym, wanting to work out harder and push through the pain in his knee. But his realized that if he prioritized urgency over patience, he might exasperate his injury. The body needs time and rest to heal and recover. Indeed, the body needs more patience.

Practical Advice from Brandon M. Smith, author of The Hot Sauce Principle

Please enjoy these words of wisdom from Brandon Smith:

“There are two cases when adding more urgency will can cause more harm than good. When you don’t have the proper resources (people, materials, time, etc…), adding more urgency will result in frustration. In this case, one must wait until they have everything they need before they apply any hot sauce. In other words:

Not Enough Resources + Urgency = Frustration

The second case when urgency can be counterproductive is when you have already applied a “maximum dose.” In this case, you have reached a threshold of impact for urgency. Any additional urgency will result in resentment, burnout and ultimately apathy. We begin to become numb to the hot sauce and resent the person applying the pressure. In this case, reading others is key. One must pay close attention to the cues that urgency and rely on patience for the duration. In other words:

Maximum Applied Urgency + More Urgency = Resentment & Apathy”

All’s Well That Ends Well

If you are wondering what happened with the Army Corps of Engineers. One magical day at the end of April, when we least expected it... the approval letter came through!

We celebrated that evening with cheers and good feelings for everyone involved.

With a burst of new energy, hope and urgency, the next day we pushed through to submit our house build plans to our local town for approval.

And now, we wait again…patiently!

It's Time To Brave Up

Wed, 17 Mar 2021 19:39:08 GMT

Earlier this month the world celebrated International Women’s Day (March 8th). It is a day where we commemorate the cultural, political, and socioeconomic achievements and contributions of women. It is also a focal point in the women’s rights movement, bringing attention to issues such as gender equality, reproductive rights, and violence against women.

Rather than doing what I usually do on this day – post banners and images on social media – waving my virtual hand in support of the cause, I decided to get more involved. I wanted to not just acknowledge international women’s day, I wanted to actually create it.

So I got brave and volunteered with three other professional women and one amazing 16 year old emerging leader to create an empowering learning experience for 45 high school girls in Caracas, Venezuela. The conference was called BRAVE UP – Women Leading In…

The Brave Up Conference for Young Women Leaders

The Brave Up conference included four, one-hour daily Zoom sessions with guest speakers focused on topics such as political activism, communication, business, and service. The final fifth day was a day of celebration and action. I was honored to serve side-by-side in the planning and delivery of this special conference with Maria Perdomo , European Senior Finance Manager for Stanley Black & Decker, Patricia Lucia Betancourt , Executive Director of VenEuropa based in Brussels, and Jolly Lux, Founder and Executive Director of Guiding Light Orphans, Inc ., and business owner of JAL Visionary Solutions.

The real brains behind the operation was 16-year old Oriana Bracaglia who is the niece of Maria Perdomo. Oriana is a student at Colegio Los Campitos. She is a volunteer leader of her school’s Model United Nations program. She serves as Secretary General for LCIMUN, and also as Treasurer for Girl Up Venezuela. In Oriana, I see an emerging leader with great potential to change the world for the good.

The Magic of Networking

Many of you have heard me say, “There’s magic in networking.” By that I don’t mean hocus pocus or sleight of hand. I mean that opportunities and positive impact that you can’t even imagine are possible and happen when you build relationships over time and facilitate introductions. It’s all about putting people and ideas together.

So when my client and friend Maria Perdomo reached out to me on LinkedIn and asked if I would be open to networking with her niece Oriana, I immediately said YES.

Oriana then sent me a letter of introduction via email, a link to her LinkedIn profile, and a mini presentation of her Model United Nations program at her school (LCIMUN). Within a few days, the three of us jumped on a Zoom call – with me in South Carolina, Maria in Belgium, and Oriana in Venezuela.

Oriana told me that she had watched a few of my YouTube videos. She asked if I would be willing to give a seminar to her class as part of a special project for the Model United Nations. Maria and I challenged Oriana to think bigger. We brainstormed ideas on how we could work together to have a larger, more transformative impact on her and her classmates.

Many people would have engaged in the ideation, but shied away from implementation because of the extra work and complexity. Not Oriana. She braved up and took on the challenge. Within a week, she had built a team, developed a conference theme and logo, set a date, confirmed expert speakers, and brushed up on Zoom meeting skills and technology. Her skill and learning speed were equally matched by her graciousness

If you have an Instagram account, you can watch the amazing capstone video that the girls put together for the final day of the conference. In their own words this video reflects the value and impact that was created in the Brave Up Conference. Gives me goosebumps!

Brave Up Strategies for Communication

As I prepared for my session, Women Leading in Communications, I reflected on what I wished someone had told me when I was 16. What messages of inspiration and wisdom could I have used then to propel me more confidently towards my career and life goals. I realized that I needed to speak from my heart and share five communication strategies that they could begin to implement immediately in their classwork, in their communities, in their summer jobs, and their college applications.

Here’s a list of the 5 Brave Up Strategies for Communication:

Speak from the Heart
Own Your Voice
Listen
Be Congruent
Be Candid

I wanted to bring to life each of these 5 strategies to life with examples of young women who have demonstrated each skill to make an impact on the world through their empowered communication. Here’s how I did that for two of the five Brave Up strategies.

Brave Up Strategy #1: SPEAK FROM THE HEART

When we communicate we create the opportunity to connect. When we communicate we don’t just talk, or teach, or tell, we are connecting with other people. We can build rapport and relationships. We can create trust and feelings. Communication is not just about informing or reporting out; it’s about human connection.

And when you speak from the heart, you have the opportunity to deepen those connections and to build trust. And that can happen when you are communicating with one person or two people, or a meeting room full of people, from a stage, or with 45 people on a Zoom call. That’s the power of communication when you speak from the heart.

This first Brave Up strategy for communication is powerfully demonstrated by Amanda Gorman, the youngest inaugural poet in U.S. history who shared her amazing poem, The Hill We Climb , at the January 20th Presidential Inauguration. If you haven’t seen her 6 minute performance, you should ( click here ). Amanda is also releasing her f irst book. I have preordered it.

Brave Up Strategy #5: BE CANDID.

The fifth and final Brave Up strategy I shared with the LCIMUN girls was Be Candid. Say what needs to be said. I explained that there is great societal pressure and expectation for women and girls to be nice, polite, quiet and cooperative. If girls/women break that societal norm, they are often criticized, penalized, demonized. It happens every day to women and girls on playgrounds, in classrooms, in workplaces, in board rooms. We must be brave and learn to be candid.

Perhaps the best example of that is the young climate activist, Greta Thunburg, who stood up to world leaders and told it like it is – we are destroying our planet with our empty words and reckless actions about the climate emergency. “We are speeding in the wrong direction,” she tells us in her recent video .

I showed the LCIMUN girls this excerpt of Greta’s 2018 TEDx Stockholm talk to the LCIMUN as an example of what being candid looks like and sounds like. I focused on the closing comments of Greta’s 11 minute presentation. (this video clip is prompted to start at minute 9:35 of her speech)

Rather than “happy talk,” Greta spoke candidly and frankly to her audience. Listen to this brave girl. I dare you not to pay attention to her.

TRANSCRIPT (from minute 9:35-10:22) “Now we’re almost at the end of my talk, and this is where people usually start talking about hope, solar panels, wind power, circular economy, and so on, but I’m not going to do that. We’ve had 30 years of pep-talking and selling positive ideas. And I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work. Because if it would have, the emissions would have gone down by now. They haven’t. And yes, we do need hope, of course we do. But the one thing we need more than hope is action. Once we start to act, hope is everywhere.”

How Can You Brave Up?

“There is always light if only we are brave enough to see it; if only we are brave enough to be it.”

Amanda Gorman, final words from her poem, The Hill We Climb

The need for bravery is not just for young women, it’s for everyone. If you have a goal or a dream, you will need a constant flow of courage to pursue it and achieve it. No matter what your age, status or success, you are not immune from fear. You have voices of doubt that periodically get into your head and hijack your mindset. You experience feelings of fear, anxiety and concern and that can slow down or stop your momentum, potentially preventing you from achieving your full potential.

What does it mean to be brave?

Being brave means taking the next step even when you are afraid or unsure.

Being brave means that you raise your hand and put yourself out there even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Being brave means trying new, bold things even if it means risking failure and rejection.

Being braves means committing to a lifetime of learning and personal growth even when you are busy.

Being brave means accepting responsibility for your own shortcomings even if it’s easier to make excuses and blame others.

Being brave means believing in the power of your dreams even when others poo-poo them.

Being brave means investing in yourself and your future even when money is tight.

Being brave means investing in young people and empowering them to pursue their dreams even if you won’t directly benefit you.

Being brave means taking action to create positive changes in the world. After all, that’s what we are here for!

p.s. if you are looking for ways to shore up your bravery, please check out The Fearless Leader program . In just 8-weeks, you will find the courage to create a path and a plan to get your business, career, and life back on the right track.

Where Does Confidence Come From?

Fri, 05 Mar 2021 20:17:12 GMT

I’ve been thinking about the role that confidence plays in a person’s career and life success. An ongoing lack of confidence, self-doubt, and low self-esteem can become a disabling professional condition commonly known as “the imposter syndrome.”

I’ve often thought that confidence was such a fragile thing, kind of like fresh fruit. It’s great when it’s just picked, but can perish quickly if mishandled in transportation, sitting around too long, or waiting forever to be selected.

And yet, there are those people who appear to have an over abundance of confidence. Some of them display their confidence in exuberant, showy and bombastic ways, distorting the quality into unattractive arrogance.

And we all know people who can somehow manufacture confidence on demand, with a “fake it till you make it” method.

But there are many people who appear to be driving on an empty tank. No confidence to fuel them. They seem to be without a reserve of confidence to draw upon to help them through the hard times, like unemployment, sickness, divorce, financial hardship, death in the family, depression, etc. Encouraging words and free webinars don’t seem to be enough to boost their confidence and restore their resilience.

I’m sure there is something in our brains that is responsible for the feeling of confidence. A chemical perhaps? A physiological response? The pre-frontal cortex, perhaps? Or do we all just need to exercise more often to ensure that our bodies release chemicals such as dopamine and endorphins in our brains that make us feel happy?

But deep down, I do believe that WE THE PEOPLE play a huge role in either fostering confidence in ourselves and in others, or destroying it. Our thoughts, words, actions, posts, and gestures have a big impact on individual and collective confidence. And I think we can all do better on this front.

Remembering my Uncle Chuck

Today I came across a wonderful remembrance of my Uncle Chuck. He passed away in 2014 from pancreatic cancer. His positive influence on my life and on my personal confidence was substantial and lasting, and continues to carry me forward to this day.

While getting ready for a tax preparation meeting with my CPA today, I happened upon an old thumb drive in my home office. On it was a bunch of documents and presentations from 2013 and 2014. I was tempted to just erase them all (they are way in the past!), but curious to see what was on the thumb drive, I scrolled up and down the file list and was surprised to see my written tribute to my Uncle Chuck. I had composed this tribute on the plane ride from California to Connecticut after visiting with his family in his dying days. It was written with heart and soul, and with plenty of tears! If you’d like to read it (all 1,748 words), here it is: Tribute to Uncle Chuck – if you’ve got it flaunt it

Be an Encourager, not a Critic

Nowadays, it’s so easy to criticize. Technology and social media allow us to send zingers (and praise) without having to take personal responsibility for the outcome.

If we are not happy with a service for whatever reason, even if we were the root cause of the problem, we can send off a scathing 1 star review, a thumbs down, or a warning telling everyone on the planet to never shop there/eat there/go there/work there again.

If we don’t like someone or if we hold a grudge, we can unleash hell on people with a few social media posts. And that critical action temporarily boosts our sense of power in the world. The problem is that that resulting feeling from that critical action is negative power. It’s rooted in our own insecurity, cruelty, fear and lacking.

We have forgotten the sage advice from Vince Lombardi, “Praise in public; criticize in private.”

And while there is a definitely a need for and a place for constructive feedback, we can all do better. We must do better. Let’s invest our time and energy into generating positive energy, not destructive action. Let’s lift up others, especially our youth and the most vulnerable in our communities. Let’s work to make confidence sustainable, lasting and weather proof.

And let’s not forget about “the hidden leaders” – those talented, hardworking people on our teams and in our networks who lack traditional access to mentoring, sponsorship and growth opportunities. Rather than just fending for ourselves, we can use our influence and encouragement to help close the gap in equity and inclusion for women and minorities by raising up the hidden leaders in all sectors of our society. That’s part of my personal mission and the focus of my new program, The Fearless Leader.

It’s up to each of us and all of us to increase the local and global supply of confidence. Let’s invest in ourselves and our future by investing in each other.

In closing, I’d like to leave you with these motivating words of encouragement that were originally gifted to me by my Uncle Chuck. The phrase, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” was something that my Uncle said to me a thousand times when I was growing up. Only now, some 40 years later, do I understand what he was trying to tell me and do for me. He was building up my self-esteem and self-confidence. And I would like to do that for you, my dear reader!

Mindful Unemployment

Fri, 15 Jan 2021 20:54:42 GMT

One of my most memorable and enlightened networking meetings was with mindfulness expert Cheryl Jones. Our meet up happened in the summer of 2009, right in the middle of a global recession. Her guest article first appeared on my website on June 17, 2009. I feel it is still highly relevant and worthy of reposting in 2021.

Cheryl Jones’s expertise in the field of mindfulness is much needed today as we continue to suffer through massive unemployment as result of the global public health crisis of COVID-19. Cheryl’s advice about the mindset of being in transition is priceless. Please enjoy this article. Take it to heart. Practice it.

Mindful Unemployment by Cheryl Jones

Losing your job or living with the fear of losing your job creates stress. It brings up one of our greatest struggles we share as humans…living with uncertainty. Something has ended but we don’t know what’s next.

While the term ‘in transition’ is socially acceptable especially these days, it offers minimal comfort. Not only are there financial ramifications, there are spiritual ones. It brings up questions like, “Who am I without this job or career?”

Many people confuse their sense of ‘who’ they are by the hats they wear or by the roles they play. Our cultural addiction to ‘doing’ makes it so our value comes from how we perform; what we deliver on time, how much money we save the company, and how many new sales we generate. Without this, we feel lost. I’d like to offer you another possible perspective.

How mindfulness helps

The transition time between one job or one career and the next can be tumultuous. We are often plagued by negative thoughts and feelings including grief, anger, fear, inadequacy, and self-doubt.

I invite you to put on a different lens. Imagine that the space between this job and the next is fertile ground for what is yet to come. Imagine yourself being in preparation mode even if you don’t know what you’re preparing for. The truth is that whether you are aware of it or not, you are on a path.

Mindfulness can help you navigate along your path with greater present moment awareness, better able to see new possibilities and solutions. You will improve your ability to access both your internal and external resources. These are the skills necessary to manage transition.

What mindfulness is and is not

Mindfulness is about being aware and awake in the present moment as it is. It involves being conscious of both our internal and external environments and then learning from what we see. Mindfulness is not something that we can learn from a ‘how to’ book. While it is a technique, there are no steps to follow. Cultivating present moment only comes from practice. We practice noticing the breath, thoughts, feelings, sensations, and sounds. We practice noticing how negative thoughts and feelings create even more stress in an already stressful situation. However, blocking them out isn’t the answer and it isn’t possible anyway.

With mindfulness we begin to skillfully notice the thoughts that go through the mind and bring the attention back to the breath, back to the present moment. We give ourselves permission to acknowledge whatever feelings are present without judgments and without dwelling on them.

How to change your frequency

Your greatest asset is your health. Practicing a high level of self-care during a period of unemployment is critical to your health and well-being. There’s no using the old excuse, “I don’t have time to _____” because right now you do have the gift of time. So make the best of it! Put the time, energy, and care into yourself now so that you can pursue both short term and long term career goals with joy and vigor.

How can you increase your vibration and start attracting into your life what you need to move your life forward? The answer lies in developing a healthy lifestyle now. Here are some questions to help you practice a higher level of self-care so that you feel more positive and more energized:

How can I move more during my day? What kinds of food could I prepare in advance so that I’m eating healthier snacks? What could I do before bedtime so that my body would be more prepared for sleep?
What kinds of books/newspapers/magazines feed my mind in a healthy way? What TV programs/movies have a positive effect on me?
How tuned in am I to what I’m feeling? How could I communicate my needs to others more effectively?
What conversations do I engage in that nourish me or leave me feeling depleted? How do certain people affect me and what effect might I have on them?
What gives my life meaning and purpose? What energizes me? What do I care most about?
What products do I use on my body or in my home that might potentially harm me? How does having an organized or cluttered space affect me?

Here are some of my favorite books on mindfulness :

Mindful Exercise by Cheryl Jones-Reardon
Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
Heal Thy Self by Saki Santorelli
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
The Mindful Hiker by Stephen Altschuler
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron
The Mindful Leader by Michael Carroll
A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield

About the guest writer. Cheryl Jones, holds a Master’s degree in Exercise Science from the University of Connecticut and a Certificate in Spirituality from Saint Joseph College. She has completed extensive training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Cheryl is a lecturer in the Department of Mathematics, Science, and Health Careers at Manchester Community College and is the author of Mindful Exercise. Drawing from a unique background, she works with inspired individuals and organizations to help them achieve their wellness goals. For more information about mindfulness-based programs visit www.themindfulpath.com .

Cultivating Tolerance

Mon, 20 Jul 2020 20:08:33 GMT

Ever since the COVID-19 virus outbreak and the ensuing crises, I’ve noticed something about myself. I’m becoming increasingly intolerant of other people. Perhaps it is because of the increased isolation, or the fear and concern, or the frustration over the ongoing failure of leadership during these crises. Maybe all of the above. But the net effect has been that I’ve been more moody and irritable than normal (just ask my husband!).

For example, I’m annoyed by people who refuse to wear a mask in public. Like the older lady who went to the store with her two able-bodied daughters, none of them wearing a mask and the older woman openly coughing and not well. How is this a good idea?

Or my neighbor who has been running his commercial landscaping business from a residentially zoned housing development for more than 3 years. Every time one of their three Ford trucks hooked up with their large trailers carrying lawn mowing equipment, filled with debris and stuff, drives down our narrow cul de sac and turns around, not once a day, but twice a day, sometimes going a little too fast, well, I get irritated. We have spoken to him, the town has spoken to him, and still he insists that he is not running a business out of his home. I know he needs to earn a living and he employs others and helps them earn a living. Still, I find myself angry and intolerant at his disregard for our zoning parameters in our neighborhood.

And then there’s the teenager who speedily drives his white Jeep up and down the street multiple times a day without regard to the older people walking, parents pushing baby strollers, people walking dogs. We also have spoken to him about his speeding, and also his father, but the speed and frequency continue. I worry for his safety and the safety of the people and pets living in this community. But mostly I’m just pissed at him. My tolerance level for him is very low. Why?

I don’t want to turn into a “Permit Patty” kind of person, or the annoying neighbor who is always calling the police with petty complaints. Why am I struggling with intolerance these days? This doesn’t feel normal to me.

To help remind myself of how I want to be and behave, I’ve been doing a little meditation, and some deep breathing. I’ve been focused on the keyword as my daily mantra, TOLERANCE.

I thought that maybe a few of you might also be struggling with a higher level of intolerance during these crazy times, full of unrest and uncertainty. To help us all, I did some online research and found this helpful blog post on The Chopra Center website. I reached out to the co-writers of this blog post, Dr. Melissa Carver and her husband Leo Carver, and secured their permission to repost their article from 2016 in its entirety. I also learned that Dr. Carver will be releasing a new book this fall. Check out her bio at the end of the blog post.

8 Tips to Build Tolerance in Your Life
By Leo Carver, Certified Instructor: Perfect Health, and Dr. Melissa Carver
[originally posted on 10/20/2016 on The Chopra Center]

Feeling annoyed by your co-worker or that person who just cut you off? Don’t waste your energy. Learn how to cultivate a spirit of tolerance in your life.

Most people have trouble being tolerant with others. As a living, breathing society, everyone is constantly learning and adapting to each other—it comes with the territory. But cultivating a spirit of tolerance can bring healing and meaning to your life in unimaginable ways.

Tolerance is your ability to deal with the disagreeable. It’s your capacity to withstand the “yuck” in your life and other people. Sometimes, someone’s disagreeable nature can simply be an annoyance, while other times, it may be much more intrusive.

The practice of tolerance, however, is more about your relationship with yourself instead of with other people. Tolerance can be thought of as emotional or mental perseverance:

How long are you able to deal with the disturbances that others cause you
Are you able to do it with a spirit of grace and confidence?
Do you prefer to be indifferent, ignoring the person or situation?
If the behavior is unlikely to change, how do you deal with them?

These are questions that take time to consider. When you feel yourself intolerant of someone else, remember the following insights. They can help you deal with yourself and others in order to cultivate the benefits of a life filled with tolerance and stillness.

Own Your Feelings

When something bothers you about someone else, it is good to remember that it is bothering you. The other person may not even be aware of your feelings, let alone be prepared to change because of them.

Keep in mind that your feelings are your own and that you have the right to self-mastery in your life, just as the other person has sovereignty over themselves.

Look Within

Try to see past the person and situation into your own annoyance. Look within yourself to find the source of your problem:

Are you not receiving something that you want or need?
Is the focus not on you?
Is the other person saying or doing something that you wouldn’t allow yourself to do or say?
Why are you annoyed?

Check Your Ego

Often other people are simply disrupting your flow. When your stillness is disturbed, your ego may desire to retaliate. A mental or emotional line is being crossed and therefore you feel frustrated. This inner tension can be your ego showing anger at the fact that your personal attention has shifted.

When you are bothered by other people, you are no longer focused on what you were doing. This is upsetting to the ego. Remember you are not your ego, but rather its source. By recognizing ego concern for what it is, you can cultivate the ability to limit the importance of some of the things you feel.

Meditate

Meditation can help cultivate tolerance. You can learn to tolerate some things about others simply by discovering they’re just not that important. The things you take issue with don’t have to define the person or the experience.

By calming your spirit, you can learn to check yourself before reacting. Start by routinely checking in with yourself during stressful experiences or people. You will begin to react with more grace and patience and be able to offer the best version of yourself.

Remember Change Is Imminent

The universe is always changing, always happening. And as such, everything has its moment to be. You, also, can change from one moment to the next. This dynamism can be seen as a blessing when cultivating tolerance.

Be mindful of the fact that no matter how pestering an annoyance can be, it is only temporary. The majority of people in your life are only around you in certain circumstances or for a certain amount of time. Those closest to you only bother you at times, but are otherwise agreeable, or they wouldn’t be around.

Use Your Power

Put aside your raw, emotional reaction when dealing with frustrating experiences and you’ll find that the experience inherently must change. It is your attachment to the feelings behind the experience that allows it to linger.

You have the power to control how much an annoyance affects you. Even if something about a person bothers you, you can always shift your focus to more agreeable aspects of the person or experience.

Learn to allow life to bug you and then go away, without any lingering effects.

Keep Perspective

No matter how likeable you believe yourself to be, someone out there is or would be annoyed by you. With the numerous spectrum of thought and behavior among humans, it’s impossible to be accepted by all. Chances are, somebody has put up with you at some point. Ask yourself:

Have I ever rubbed someone else the wrong way?
How did they react?

Remember your own faults and that life has given you grace. Even in your worst times, someone has shown you kindness and patience. It will serve you well to pay that kind of grace forward.

Practice Patience

Practicing patience with the disagreeable aspects of people in your life will help you become more tolerant. The universe allows room for all of your decisions and behavior, while working around them and through them. Seek to mimic this tolerance in your own life. Cultivate centeredness that will be there inside you through everything and everyone. It is empowering and noble.

About the contributing writers

Leo and wife, Dr. Melissa Carver, offer a wide range of mental, emotional, and physical health guidance. Leo is an Ayurvedic teacher and consultant while also in his final year of studies to become an Ayuvedic Practitioner.

Melissa focuses more on the mental and emotional health that helps us to manifest our goals and experiences. She is also the author of the new book, Who the Hell Told You That? , to be released Fall of 2020. To stay up to date on that release or upcoming events you can read other blog posts and also sign up for the free newsletter at drmelissacarver.com .

Or connect with Melissa and Leo on social media:
FACEBOOK
Dr Melissa & Leo

INSTAGRAM
Dr Melissa & Leo

Interrupt Racism

Wed, 24 Jun 2020 20:27:25 GMT

Yesterday was a somber day. Another day when an unarmed Black American man was laid to rest after being needlessly killed by the police. Another day when we are reminded that racism exists and it hurts us all.

His name was Rayshard Brooks and he was a father, a husband, and someone’s son. He was a person with hopes and dreams, just like the rest of us. He should still be with us, alive and living his life, supporting his family, loving his spouse, and helping his children grow up to be healthy, happy and productive adults. It’s what we all want. But something went terribly wrong on the evening of June 12, 2020 in Atlanta, Georgia. And it was caught on video, and that video went viral. Seeing that video makes it much harder to remain silent and do nothing.

I wanted to get to know Rayshard Brooks, the man, not just the victim. So I took some time to watch a CNN interview with Rayshard Brooks recorded before his death. In the interview Rayshard opens up about his struggles with life after incarceration. It’s a touching interview and humanizes an issue that we too often deny, ignore or pretend doesn’t matter. And that issue is racism. It’s time to talk about it. To name it. To interrupt it. That’s the only way we are going to change it. And I for one, want to change it for good.

Good Intentions Are Not Enough

I recently reached out to two of my professional colleagues who happen to be black women and also who are both experts in the field of Diversity and Inclusion. I wanted to express my concern and support, and to find out more about their personal experiences with racism. I was humbled by what they shared. I could feel their emotional exhaustion having retold their stories for the umpteenth time to concerned white friends like me who were calling in.

They shared with me their pain and worry every time their black sons and daughters leave their house, knowing that just being out in the public and having chance encounters with police could put their very lives at stake. Too many mothers and fathers have had to bury their sons and daughters due to the color of their skin. That’s racism and racial injustice at work in this country. It’s a killer. And it’s woven into the very fabric of our society and all of its systems.

The other thing that struck me about my conversation with my two colleagues of color is that they both respectfully but candidly told me that they didn’t think it was the responsibility of black people to educate white people about racism. There are plenty of resources out there to get literate on the issue. The statistics show a disproportionate number of Black and Brown Americans are incarcerated, receive lower wages, have health disparities, die from COVID-19 complications, are targeted for voter suppression, face housing discrimination, attend schools with substandard resources, and more. What causes these disparities? Racism. And it’s been happening for centuries. What made us think racism was no longer a problem?

Be Mindful of Your Messages

Our words have power – to inspire and to motivate, but also our words have the power to hurt and suppress others. And sometimes we communicate without thinking. Often we are completely unaware of the impact of the messages we are sending with our words, body language, actions and inactions, decisions and assumptions.

For example, I recently received an automated email response from a mid-sized consulting company after I downloaded their generous offer for a free business planning tool kit. The email was written in the voice of, and signed by, their Chief Executive Officer. It was a well-written piece of sales communication, until I got the postscript notation at the bottom.

Here is the copy that was included in that email communication: P.S. If you have not already, please whitelist us to ensure safe delivery of this entire series to your inbox!

Whitelist? Where did that phrase come from? A colleague informed me that the terms “blacklists” and “whitelists” are common terms used in email marketing. She explained that “blacklists refers to spammers and therefore the opposite would be whitelist for safe users, non-spammers. She told me that email marketing companies have used these terms. Some have updated the term to “safelist.”

In doing a little more research, I found an article posted on the website for the Journal of the Medical Library Association (JMLA) . In the upfront Abstract of the article, they provide this overview: “…the widespread use of racist language in discussions concerning predatory publishing. Examples include terminology such as blacklists, whitelists, and black sheep. The use of such terms does not merely reflect a racist culture, but also serves to legitimize and perpetuate it.” They make the point in the article that “racism in such ‘black is bad, white is good’ metaphors is inappropriate and needs to cease.”

There terms “Blacklist” and “Whitelist” strike me as a microaggressions. And we can easily change them IF we have the courage to interrupt racism.

So, I decided to respond to the CEO of a company who sent me this otherwise helpful automated email communication. My goal was not to criticize or ridicule or shame, but to create an opportunity to become more aware and interrupt racism. Here’s what I said in my reply:

"I noticed in your email/newsletter that you referenced a term “whitelist us” – as opposed to “blacklist us.” I would encourage you to change that phrase as it feels like a micro-aggression ( White = good; Black = bad) and might unknowingly reinforce racism/stereotypes/bias. How about changing it to “safe sender” – that’s a technical term that is more neutral and less offensive. I hope this suggestion doesn’t offend you. I’m doing my best as a white person to ‘interrupt racism.’ Name it. Talk it. Change it.”

I have not yet received a response from the company to my suggestion. But it sure feels good to have the courage to interrupt racism and create an opportunity to change our communication and behavior.

Start by Interrupting Yourself

Understanding and accepting the truth about the systematic nature of our problem with racism will take more than consciousness raising, protests, T-shirts or hashtags. It will require each of us to put in the time and effort to educate ourselves on the issue of racism and its impacts and implications. It demands that we become students of change: curious, open minded, tolerant, and willing to go beyond our own discomfort to learn, grow and evolve as human beings.

I’ve come to recognize my own “ignorance” about racism and racial injustice. But rather than feel embarrassed by my ignorance, I have taken it upon myself to learn more about racism, including its history, pervasiveness, and negative impacts.

Be Resourceful

Below are some of the resources that have helped me to educate myself more on the issue of racism. I want to share them with you as they might help you evolve as well. Afterall, we can’t change something unless we understand the root cause of the problem.

Read Articles (not just headlines)

Blog: The history of the Juneteenth holiday . What is Juneteenth and why did news of the end of slavery take 2.5 years after Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation to reach the enslaved people in Texas? Read the the actual words that Major General Gordon Granger wrote on General Order #3 that announced freedom.

Article: Climate Change Disproportionately Impacts Black Mothers in the US, New Research Shows

Article: New data released by the CDC shows pregnant black women remain at a higher risk

Sermon written by The Rev. Dr. Andrea Ayvazian, posted on Mount Holyoke College website. Interrupting The Cycle of Oppression: the Role of Allies as Agents of Change

Activism & Allyship Guide. Prepared by the Black@ Airbnb Employee Resource Group

Attend Webinars and Virtual Conversations (not just work related meetings)

A Conversation Between – hosted by the Connecticut Women’s Hall of Fame
Beyond the Statement – free webinar training and conversations on race, diversity & Inclusion and more, hosted by the amazing Karen Hinds.

Free discussion guides are available at Living Room Conversations . My Rotary Club hosts a monthly living room conversation virtual event as part of our mission to promote peace and resolve conflict in our communities and around the world. Watch this video about what it is like to participate in a living room conversation. Search for their Race and Ethnicity Series . It’s a powerful experience when you take the time to listen to people whose views are vastly different than your own. It will help to expand your understanding, broaden your perspective, and build new connections.

Watch Different Movies (not just your regular shows)

Amazon Prime is highlighting movies that Amplify Black Stories . Why not watch some of these films with your family to broaden your perspective and understanding of what it might be like for someone else of a different race than your own. Movies are free if you are Prime member with Amazon

Netflix Releases Black Lives Matter Collection as Streamers Highlight Black Storytelling. Netflix users who search the name “George Floyd” on the streaming service will be served up a collection of shows and movies centered on racial injustice . But subscribers won’t need the search function to find that content: Netflix is promoting the collection, titled Black Lives Matter, to all of its users in the U.S. with a pop-up recommendation urging viewers to browse the titles.

Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable (until you’re no longer uncomfortable)

Please don’t shy away from this difficult topic because it makes you feel uncomfortable, scared, mad, sad, or any other negative emotion. Embrace the discomfort by taking baby steps towards educating yourself on the topic of racism and the problem it poses to our humanity and society. Before you know it, you too will be working to interrupt racism!

Demonstrate Courage In The Face Of Injustice

Tue, 02 Jun 2020 20:48:40 GMT

I have been thinking a lot about courage and social justice and the critical role that these two factors play in upholding a civil society.

Like many of you, I am deeply disturbed by the recent murders of three Black Americans – George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery – at the hands of current and former law enforcement officers and white vigilantes.

Like many of you, I was also shocked and appalled by the video showing how Christian Cooper, a black man with a passion for bird watching, was harassed and threatened by Amy Cooper, a white woman with a habit of disregarding the dog leash laws in Central Park. Thankfully, this event did not lead to violence or death, just embarrassment and regret. Still it is a reminder of something wrong, very wrong with our society.

Each of these events are tragic and outrageous, but the reality is that they are just a continuation of a systematic disregard for the health, safety and rights of black and brown people in America. They are symptoms of issues we don’t like to talk about such as discrimination, racial profiling, bigotry, white privilege, and institutional racism.

We can no longer deny that racial disparities persist in wealth, education, employment, housing, education, and health care — and at a time when COVID-19 is disproportionately killing Black Americans and Black-owned businesses are going under, it can feel as if this is the way things have been and always will be. But we owe it to ourselves, our children, our neighbors, our communities, our nation, and our future to do something to change it. And that will take an enormous amount of courage, compassion, listening and leadership – from all of us!

What is social justice?

I first became aware of and passionate about social justice when I served as a board member for the YWCA Hartford Region. I was intrigued by their mission statement: YWCA is dedicated to eliminating racism, empowering women and promoting peace, justice, freedom and dignity for all. In order to fulfill my duty to this mission, I had a lot of learning to do. I wasn’t really sure what they meant by social justice. After six years on the YWCA board, I was hooked. Social justice became part of my own personal mission statement.

Social justice is a concept of fair and just relations between the individual and society, as measured by the distribution of wealth, opportunities for personal activity, and social privileges. Social justice is linked to equality, freedom, and the common good. Clearly, these are things that are good for everyone in a civil society. But unfortunately, social justice has been very difficult to achieve in America and elsewhere.

I participated enthusiastically in the YWCA annual event Stand Against Racism co-facilitated community events, making new friends, deepening my knowledge and understanding of the pervasive nature of racism in our society.

During my time of volunteer leadership with the YWCA Hartford Region, I also became aware of and educated about the white privilege that I unknowingly enjoyed.

What is white privilege?

According to Wikipedia, “White privilege refers to the societal privilege that benefits white people over non-white people in some societies, particularly if they are otherwise under the same social, political, or economic circumstances.” Or as one website said it simply, “It is not necessarily a privilege to be white, but it certainly has its benefits.”

It never occurred to me that not being “watched” by store managers as I shopped in a store was a privilege that black Americans didn’t enjoy. I was unaware that I had a hidden advantage when applying for housing, jobs and loans. I was white and got a different kind of reception than if I was black. Listening to the stories of everyday discrimination of my fellow board members was shocking and eye opening.

And when I tell people that I’m half Mexican and half-Caucasian, it’s more of surprise. It doesn’t impact their impression of me. Why? Because I don’t look Hispanic, I look like a white woman of economic means. And my life is easier because of that. My whiteness gives me benefits that I was completely unaware of. I didn’t earn them. They were gifted to me at birth by the very nature of my race and skin color.

But what can I do about that? I can acknowledge it. I can learn more about white privilege and how it works to divide our society. I can intentionally diversify my network and build friendships and connections with people who are different than I am. And I can leverage my white privilege to help people who are marginalized – whether I know them personally or not.

Supporting marginalized communities

Harmeet Kaur is a producer for CNN’s trends and culture team. She writes about race, identity, and other news of the day. Harmeet wrote an article called “ A guide to how you can support marginalized communities. ” She invites us to become an ally to help end the oppression that others, not like us, experience every day. She explains that “ Being an ally — a person who is not a member of a particular marginalized group but seeks to help end the oppression of those in the marginalized group — is a constant process. Allyship can mean different things to different people, and it can be tough to know where to start.” Harmeet offers suggestions that we can all do including:

Reach out. Offer comfort and support.
Educate yourself and others.
Listen.
Stand up. Use your privilege to help others. And VOTE. Make sure you’re registered . And do it in every election, not just the big ones.

What is social courage?

I have to confess that I hate violence. Even the potential for violence scares me. I remember once walking in London England on vacation with my husband looking for a local pub for lunch and we happened to walk past a large protest gathering on the street. There was a moment when I realized that my husband and I were potentially in danger. We could be at the wrong place and the wrong time. That memory still triggers me.

So I can’t imagine what’s it’s like to be living in Minneapolis right now; to have curfews and restrictions; to worry that my storefront or car might be vandalized or set ablaze. I don’t know if I could muster the courage to be part of a protest, even a peaceful one.

But I am also afraid of something else – and that is being criticized, condemned, or harassed for simply expressing my views. So I am bracing myself for some level of backlash for even writing this blog post. I know that I will be criticized by some people, including family, friends, teammates, clients, prospects, readers and complete strangers. I might experience higher level of “unsubscribes” and may even get some hate mail. It’s happened in the past.

Of course, it is a lot easier to just keep my mouth shut, to bypass and skirt around the difficult topic that is staring us in the face. Perhaps it’s best to stick to business and forget about the “politics.” Coronavirus seems like a “safer” thing to deal with than the racism virus.

I want to be courageous. I want to be fearless in standing up for what I believe it. But I’m afraid. This inner conflict has led me to do more research on the topic of courage and its connection to leadership.

I was very pleased to read a blog post by Alexander Atkins entitled “ The Six Types of Courage. ” I also had a chance to speak with Alex on the phone and to hear more of his perspective. I now understand that there are different kinds of courage. Courage doesn’t just refer to bravery or valor. I can continue to cover my eyes and hide under the covers during scary movies and not feel weak or bad about that.

Below is an excerpt from Alex Atkins blog post. Give some thought as to what types of courage come naturally to you, and which types of courage you might need or want to develop and demonstrate, especially now during these turbulent times. And when you think of the protesters, and the activists, and the victims, and those speaking out on behalf of injustice, ask yourself what kind of courage they are displaying?

Physical courage. This is the courage most people think of first: bravery at the risk of bodily harm or death. It involves developing physical strength, resiliency, and awareness.

Social courage. This type of courage is also very familiar to most of us as it involves the risk of social embarrassment or exclusion, unpopularity or rejection. It also involves leadership.

Intellectual courage. This speaks to our willingness to engage with challenging ideas, to question our thinking, and to the risk of making mistakes. It means discerning and telling the truth.

Moral courage. This involves doing the right thing, particularly when risks involve shame, opposition, or the disapproval of others. Here we enter into ethics and integrity, the resolution to match word and action with values and ideals. It is not about who we claim to be to our children and to others, but who we reveal ourselves to be through our words and actions.

Emotional courage. This type of courage opens us to feeling the full spectrum of positive emotions, at the risk of encountering the negative ones. It is strongly correlated with happiness.

Spiritual courage. This fortifies us when we grapple with questions about faith, purpose, and meaning, either in a religious or nonreligious framework.

Develop Your Courage by Being Courageous

I want to inspire you to muster up the courage to stand up for what you believe in and to help others who are less fortunate than you. To that end, I want to give a shout out to 5 courageous leaders and companies that have inspired me during these days of civil unrest.

Medina Jett demonstrates social courage

In her LinkedIn post, my friend and client Medina Jett, encourages her white friends and colleagues to add their voice to allyship rather than remain silent in acquiescence. She is helping us to understand what white privilege is and how black Americans are denied these basic privileges of living and breathing.Thank you Medina for your social courage and support!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar demonstrates social courage

Basketball legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wrote an elegant and thought-providing Op-Ed for the Los Angeles Times newspaper over the weekend. He asks the question “What was your first reaction when you saw the video of the white cop kneeling on George Floyd’s neck while Floyd croaked, ‘I can’t breathe’?” Later he asks what our first reaction was when we saw footage of the looting and violence in the streets across the country in protest of the murder of George Floyd. His perspective is illuminating and worthy of your time and attention and reflection. At the end of his article, he says, “What I want to see is not a rush to judgment, but a rush to justice.”

Thank you Kareem for standing up for justice and helping us to understand why people are protesting. We are seeing people being pushed to the edge.

Trevor Noah demonstrates social courage

My dear friend Nancy Sheffield forwarded this YouTube video of late night talk show host and author of the book Born a Crime , the amazing Trevor Noah. He speaks to us in this video so personally and honestly, like he is in our living room sharing his thoughts one-on-one with us. Trevor Noah shares his thoughts on the killing of George Floyd, the protests in Minneapolis . He speaks intelligently about the dominoes of racial injustice and police brutality, and how the contract between society and black Americans has been broken time and time again.

There’s no showboating, no humor, no jabs, no clever political one-liners, no fancy production; just 18 minutes of pure honesty and humanity. It’s powerful to listen to. You can feel his pain as he shares his thoughts and experiences with us on this video. Please watch it in its entirety. And share it with others. Trevor already has over 6.5 million views since he posted it on YouTube on May 29, 2020. You’ll realize why this has gone viral when you watch it.

Ben & Jerry’s demonstrates social courage

In addition to producing some of the most delectable and creatively named ice cream flavors in the world, Ben & Jerry’s still has a formidable sense of social justice. Check out this newsletter that I received today with their corporate statement on the recent killing of George Floyd. They are calling for a complete dismantling of white supremacy. Silence is not an option not even from profit-seeking businesses. Ben & Jerry’s believes that “ systemic and institutionalized racism are the defining civil rights and social justice issues of our time. We’ve come to understand that to be silent about the violence and threats to the lives and well-being of Black people is to be complicit in that violence and those threats.” Ben & Jerry’s also reminds us of the importance of saying the name of the victims of racism and brutality, and of taking a stance no matter what you have to lose. Check out the full statement on the Ben & Jerry’s website

Airbnb demonstrates social courage

Lastly, I want to give a shoutout to a company who I admire and see as courageous in their leadership and communication. And that company is Airbnb, the online marketplace which lets people rent out their properties or spare rooms to guests who want an alternative experience to staying in a hotel.

I have been an Airbnb host for the past 2 years. It’s been an awesome experience and one that has forced me to examine my own unconscious biases.

I am in awe of Airbnb’s social courage and how the company puts it money where its mouth is. They have donated $500,000 to the NAACP and the Black Lives Matter foundation. They inspired me to make my own contribution to the Black Lives Matter foundation.

Check out the other resources and information on the Black Lives Matter website. It’s a great place to educate yourself and hear other’s perspectives. I was particularly impressed with their What Matters documentary series with audio interviews that you can listen to and educate yourself.

Lastly, please download and read of the Activism & Alleyship Guide from Black@Airbnb employee resource group prepared by the Black@Airbnb employee resource group. The document contains information, actions you can take, petitions you can sign, book list and list of podcasts, and a link to a Daring Discussion toolkit . Powerful resource!

Final Thought…

If you change nothing, nothing will change.

p.s. Let’s do the work that needs to be done to change and make things right. Racism must be eliminated and removed from our institutions, policies, practices, and interactions. All people deserve the right to breathe freely, unencumbered by unjust treatment and disrespect.

So Much To Restore In 2020

Wed, 05 Feb 2020 21:56:30 GMT

After much consideration, I have chosen my power word for 2020 and that word is “Restore.” I selected “restore” over a few other shortlisted words including “renew” because I believe that restore requires effort and work. It calls for specific action and requires more accountability than verbal commitments that we might make in the heat of the moment and then quickly abandon when the pressure is off.

There are clearly visible results that come from restoration work. And there is pride that comes from seeing what you’ve restored.

In fact, I like the word “restore” so much that I started shopping at and donating to Habitat for Humanity’s ReStore. I picked up a few great items for a fraction of the price. I love the attitude of the staff at ReStore. They are clearly mission focused.

In order to keep me excited about my power word for 2020, I asked my virtual marketing assistant, Holly Koziol , to create the above superhero comic-strip graphic to inspire me. Perhaps it inspires you, too? It might become my new screensaver for my laptop. It’s good to keep your power word visible, front and center, all year long.

I invite you to select the word “restore” as your 2020 power word (if you haven’t already selected one). Consider what actions you could take this year in order to:

restore health and well being
restore relationships and civility
restore Democracy, the rule of law, and voting rights
restore peace and diplomacy
restore the climate: the environment, our oceans, lakes, air quality, wildlife, our planet
restore families
restore community, neighborhoods, neglected parks and playgrounds
restore workplace culture
restore justice and equality
restore roads, bridges, sidewalks, bike paths, infrastructure
restore clean drinking water
restore confidence and resilience
restore civility, honesty, and respectful communication
restore faith and tolerance
…and yes, restore cool old stuff like classic cars, antique furniture, old houses, etc.
WHAT ELSE do you think is worthy of restoring? __________________________________________ (Leave a REPLY on this blog with your answer to this question)

There is so much going on in our world right now. It’s a crazy scary time with lots to be worried about. Don’t fall into a state of complacency or helplessness. Find the power and motivation to do something, to change something, to restore something important to you. Maybe that something lies within you?

Go Analog When Planning Your Next Presentation

Thu, 05 Dec 2019 22:11:49 GMT

I just finished a series of one-on-one presentation coaching sessions with senior leaders at a technology company. All eight leaders attended my signature program, The Motivated Presenter , where they learned how to reduce their dependence on PowerPoint slides in order to better communicate and engage with their audience. The President of the company was very frustrated with many of the internal meetings and presentations that he had attended. He complained to me that his people often bored him with endless PowerPoint slides. He referred to these types of boring presentations as “read-a-thons.”

In my fifteen years of doing this work with clients from all disciplines and industry sectors, I have discovered the root cause of this problem: failing to plan properly. Most professionals unconsciously practice a “copy-paste preparation”approach when creating a new presentation. That is, they open the PowerPoint slide presentation that they used the last time, copy it, and save it to a new file name. Then they add more slides. This often results in slide proliferation, wasted time and money, and increased risk of failure and disappointment from the presentation.

The solution? Go analog. Don’t use PowerPoint software to plan your presentation. Discipline yourself to THINK before you build slides. I recommend that you always start planning your next presentation with a clean sheet of paper. And I have a cool tool for that…

Clean Sheet Thinking™ is a brilliantly simple presentation planning tool that guides you through the key steps in planning a high engagement presentation. Clean Sheet Thinking™ is based on the basic principle that you should start with a clean sheet of paper for every presentation because every audience is unique. It takes about thirty minutes to complete and can save you hours of time and increase the impact of your presentation. Clean Sheet Thinking™ methodology and tools can be used to plan for formal presentations, informal fire-side chats and even meetings.

Download the Clean Sheet Thinking tool to plan your next presentation. It’s available in a PDF writable format for easy keyboarding.

What is Clean Sheet Thinking?

Clean Sheet Thinking is essentially a clean sheet of paper with a few key questions added to guide you through the thinking process. It serves as a map allowing you to plot out the best course to get you where you want to go in your presentation. Rather than just driving aimlessly (at the expense of your company and your audience), Clean Sheet Thinking allows you to see the big picture, with all major and minor roads shown, the typography, the distances, the major structures, what’s connected to what, etc. Unlike a GPS (Global Positioning System) for navigation that tells you exactly how to get there (theoretically the best way, but personal experience reveals that is not always the case), Clean Sheet Thinking allows you to plot the course that you desire to take. This is when your presentation skills start to shine.

Why it works

The brilliance of Clean Sheet Thinking lies in its simplicity. Once you get used to it as a business tool, it will become second nature like brushing your teeth in the morning – something you can’t do without. By practicing this easy methodology when planning your presentations and meetings, many people find that their stress levels reduce and their focus increases. This is how we bring out the very best of our ability, by slowing down and engaging our brains early on in the planning process.

How it works – 6 simple steps

Like all great inventions, the complexity of the process is masked by the ease of use. Most of us don’t care to know how it works, just that it works and works well for us! But for the sake of full disclosure, let’s go through the six simple steps of Clean Sheet Thinking™.

Logistics. Clean Sheet Thinking starts with the easy-to-answer logistical questions: what, who, when, where – how long: the things that help you show up at the right place at the right time to deliver the presentation. Don’t overlook this basic information and don’t leave it to someone else to tell you where you need to be and when. Your reputation and credibility could be at stake. Take charge of this vital information.

Objectives. It then asks you to consider your objectives – the specific reasons for giving this presentation. The more explicit and measurable you are in your presentation objective setting, the more likely you are to achieve your goals. Now consider the objectives or goals of your audience. Why are they there? What do they hope to get out of this presentation? Putting yourself in the shoes of your audience members will give you a new perspective on what this presentation must achieve.

Audience. What else do you know about your audience? Who specifically will be there? What are their passions, interests and even pet peeves? I recommend that you get specific down to the key people’s names and a bit of info about them. Use the Internet to do your research (Google, LinkedIn.com, etc.) Call people you know who know them and get additional insight. Call key members of the audience directly and find out from the horse’s mouth. Get to know your audience even before you even show up to give the presentation. This will give you a great advantage, a real leg up!

Think / Feel / Do. What responses do you want from your audience? Don’t leave it to random chance, but plan for it. Think/Feel/Do forces you to consider the three areas of response possible: intellectual activity, emotional response and physical action. When planning for your next presentation, give careful consideration to these three areas of possible response. It will help you to create impact with your presentation.

Demonstration. If you want to get your message across, demonstrating it will always be more powerful than just saying it. “Show me, don’t tell me.” Why is this? Because most people are visually dominant and believe it when they see it. When demonstrating things during your presentations, you’ll want to tap into your creativity. This is where you can have a lot of fun and truly engage your audience. Practice and rehearsal is recommended, so that your demonstration really lives up and has the full power and effect on your audience.

Key Message. Your key message is the core essence of your presentation. It’s what you want them to remember after they leave your presentation and ten years from now. Think of your key message as the central nervous system of your presentation – it drives everything else. It only makes sense to spend quality time developing, refining and delivering it for a powerful, lasting impact on your audience.

Where can you find the Clean Sheet Thinking template?

Learn more about Clean Sheet Thinking . And download a complimentary copy of this valuable tool in a writable PDF file format – Clean Sheet Thinking – writable PDF form . If you prefer to work with a MS Word file format, you can download an earlier version of Clean Sheet Thinking-pre planning tool for presentations.

Get my book, Stop Global Boring , which includes twelve presentation tools to help you plan, design and deliver high-engagement presentations.

Invite me to your organization to facilitate my signature program, The Motivated Presenter. Available in half-day seminar, full day mastery class, two-day transformation intensive workshop, one-on-one presentation coaching, and team presentation coaching services. Download the At a Glance – The Motivated Presenter program with Kathy McAfee

Remember to use the Clean Sheet Thinking™ tool every time you plan a presentation, even if you’ve given it 100 times before. It’s a discipline that will make you not only a stronger presenter, but a better business leader. Think before you build!

Here’s to your presentation success!

For more presentation tips and insights, visit Kathy’s YouTube channel or call Kathy to discuss presentation coaching or training at (860) 371-8801

Note: Clean Sheet Thinking is the intellectual property of Kathy McAfee, America’s Marketing Motivator, President of Kmc Brand Innovation, LLC.

Courageous Empathy

Thu, 03 Oct 2019 21:23:30 GMT

This is my second blog post in a series on Diversity and Inclusion. In this piece, I’d like to focus on the diversity of thought and the inclusive act of listening with courageous empathy to those who don’t agree with you.

Imagine…

Imagine that you work with someone, a colleague, who has a very different background than you do. You disagree with them on virtually everything including “the facts.” You feel that what you believe in is right and in the best interest of the collective whole. It’s hard to even listen to your colleague or understand where they are coming from. Trust and respect is waning. You’d rather avoid them altogether, but there is a job that has to get done.

How do you maintain professional decorum when such a chasm exists between the personal values and beliefs you both hold?
How can you work together to solve important problems when you fervently believe in vastly different approaches?
How do you heal “a house divided” and find a way back to a united front in spite of your differences?

These uncomfortable situations could be referred to as many other things, including: conflict, a difference of opinion, disagreement, argument, crucial conversations, being stubborn, not listening, closed-mindedness, the “I’m right and you’re wrong” mindset, unconscious bias, stereotyping, discrimination, defensiveness, lying, strong-arming, bullying. Some people call it free speech. Others call it reality. Whatever you call it, I find these experiences to be most unpleasant. And yet they are unavoidable.

How can we continue to respect each other and collaboratively work together in spite of our differences?

Have you heard the expression “courageous empathy”? I first heard it from Cory Booker while he was answering a question at the third Democratic presidential primary debate in El Paso, Texas on September 12th. I found this Twitter post from 2016 where he explains it as follows: “It is an act of courageous empathy if you believe you’re right but still work to understand the thoughts and feelings of those you disagree with.”

I became intensely curious about what he meant by courageous empathy. I could grasp the meaning and implication of each word by itself, but never have I heard them put together. What could this mean?

I googled the expression and this image popped up. Turns out Cory Booker has been writing about this idea for several years. I also found this blog from 2013 by Lyden Foust titled: The Courage of Empathy – Why We Have Got It All Wrong. Compelling title – makes you want to read it!

I used to consider people with deep levels of empathy as “cursed.” I would see how they suffered taking on all the burdens of the world. They would take everything so personally. I could understand how some professionals like doctors, psychiatrists, and social workers had to practice some distancing from their clients/patients just to stay sane. But that distancing, removal of all emotion and empathy, can be detrimental as well.

Are some people just better able to practice empathy than others? Are some people more courageous than others? Are you born with these traits or does one develop them over time, with life experience and the influence and encouragement from others?

Observing Courageous Empathy in Action

I had the unique opportunity over this past summer to witness a remarkable moment of courageous empathy between two colleagues in one of my workshops. Just so you know, I have permission from both the key players to share this story with you. To protect their identity, I will not tell you their names or who they work for.

There is a bit of a backstory leading up to this magical moment that I will cherish for many years to come. Please bear with me as I set the scene.

During the lunch break on the first day of a two-day presentation skills workshop, ten of us sat together in a brightly lit atrium at a very nice hotel. It was a welcomed break from the intensity of the morning session. We had pre-ordered lunch and it was served in style by the hotel conference staff. I was looking forward to some light-hearted conversation.

Then someone asked the group a question: which office had the most diversity? Not sure what they meant, I asked for clarification on diversity. They responded men versus women. They compared notes on the gender composition of their current work teams. Then someone shared an opinion that they didn’t like having to hire for diversity; they preferred to hire only the most qualified candidates. That then led to a deeper discussion about the issues in education, economic opportunity, and unconscious bias. We were getting kind of heavy now. Thankfully, the lunch hour was nearing the end and we could return to the safe zone of public speaking (oh yay, that can be anxiety-ridden, too).

The day passed quickly as we resumed our core work on finding new ways to inform, inspire and motivate audiences to action without boring them to death with endless PowerPoint presentation slides. The group was really stretching by using creativity to bring their message to life and to make their point. In one exercise using props (i.e., physical items such as toys, magazines, or ordinary objects) they were asked to create visual interest, engage the audience, and make a connection to their big idea. I had brought a small box of items to choose from. Earlier that day, I found a newspaper in the hotel lobby with a large photo of astronaut Buzz Aldrin standing on the moon and saluting the American flag. The USA Today newspaper headline was “And the rest is history. NASA’s enduring photo says it all – almost”. It was such an extraordinary image and provocative headline that I sensed at least one of the participants would select it as their prop. And indeed one of them did, but not for the reason I was thinking.

All of the participants were standing in a circle, presenting their prop and telling a story of how this prop connected with one of their key points or key messages from their presentation. Sure enough, out comes the USA Today newspaper, and one of the participants calls our attention not to the lead story, but to a sidebar story with the headline, “Americans offended by Trump’s ‘go back’ tweets.” The participant went on to use his time to make the point that the media were creating divisiveness in our country with newspaper headlines like this. I could feel my blood pressure rising both from disagreement and also embarrassment that my creative exercise had suddenly gone way out of control.

The next participant to share their prop in this exercise had selected a ribbon and gold medal that you might see being awarded at the Olympics or some athletic competition. (The photo on the right is the actual prop that was used in this exercise). The participant did a remarkable thing. On the spot he changed what he was going to say to create a moment of courageous empathy. He told the story of how his mom came to visit him in the United States from Iran. They had not been able to see each other for many years since the participant had immigrated to the USA and had become a US citizen. It was a joyous reunion that only lasted a few days until she got very sick. Not knowing what was causing her pain, they took her to the hospital where she was attended to by many different healthcare professionals. He mentioned she was seen by an African American surgeon, an Asian American nurse, a Latino cardiologist, a Caucasian female radiologist, a Muslim internist, and a bunch of other hospital workers there to help her get better. I will paraphrase the essence of what he said to his colleagues:

“Not once did anyone in that hospital ask my mom where she was from, or about her citizenship. They were focused on taking care of my mom and making her feel better. It was through this experience that I was reminded that people are inherently compassionate. It is who we are. It is what we do. We take care of people. We don’t judge people or refuse them because they are different. We care for them because they are fellow human beings. Inside, we are all the same. That’s what makes this country great!”

He then took the medal and walked across the middle of the circle to where his colleague stood. He placed the medal and ribbon around is colleague, and then gave him a hug. Everyone else watching this unfolded started to applaud. For me it was an incredible moving moment. Why? Because these two individuals were able to listen to each other empathetically and had the courage and dignity to maintain respect and connection with each other despite their different political views. I wish more people (including me) could do that more often.

A Call to Action

I invite you to be on the lookout for examples of courageous empathy in action. Recognize them, applaud them, celebrate them. And find opportunities to practice the skills of courageous empathy through your actions and communication. No doubt there will be many opportunities to practice – in your workplace, family, and community. You may not get it right the first time, or the second time, or even the third time, but just having the awareness and making the effort will make you a more peaceful, inclusive person. Find the courage to display empathy towards others and to listen to what they have to say…especially when they don’t agree with you.

Why Workforce Diversity Matters

Wed, 18 Sep 2019 21:31:16 GMT

For the next few weeks, I am going to write blog articles focused on diversity and inclusion. Why? Because I am passionate about this movement and the positive impact it can have on our workplaces, communities, performance and potential. And because I am speaking at the Diversity & Inclusion Summit in Greenville, SC on October 8, 2019. My morning breakout session is titled, “ Putting Your D&I Voice Into Action. ” This blog series will help me “walk the talk” as I’ll be using my voice through this blog platform to share my thoughts and ideas on this valuable and important topic.

Have you watched the new film from Amazon Prime called Late Night ? In addition to being a fun comedy and a story of struggle and transformation, it offers great insights into the power of workforce diversity to positively improve organizational performance, workplace culture, and employee engagement. I highly recommend that you watch this movie. Here’s the movie trailer to peak your interest:

My Synopsis of the Film

Starring Emma Thompson, Mindy Kaling, John Lithgow, and a host of other fine actors, the plot revolves around a late night show host (one of the few females) whose ratings have been slipping. She learns that she is going to be replaced by a younger, male comedian and she’s freaking out. She didn’t recognize (or perhaps care) that she had created a hostile, toxic work environment where her people feared her and were afraid to challenge her (she likes to fire people). Her writing staff is made up of entirely white males.

When she learns that her reign on the show is under threat, she reluctantly agrees to add a woman writer to her team. Enter Mindy Kaling as the character Molly Patel, whose dream it is to write comedy. As Molly put it she is a “vibrant splash of color on the gray canvas of our writing staff.”

Molly is mocked by her peers as the “diversity hire” and someone who is unqualified for the job. Yet she persists. She begins to challenge the status quo and contribute to the solution by bringing her unique personality, unrelenting passion, good questions, a fresh perspective and some great new jokes and content for the show. By the end of the film (“one year later”) you see the transformation Molly’s presence has helped to create. The Late Night organization now has a vibrant workplace culture with a very diverse composition of talent, thought and ideas to drive the business forward. Employees and leadership are enjoying their work and who they work with.

We also see an impact on the leadership. In this case, a reinvented, reinvigorated, and reconnected leader in Emma Thompson’s character. She gets to keep her job and takes her Late Night show to a whole new level of performance excellence. Improved business results follow and everyone is smiling!

Of course this is only a movie, not real life.

But it is a possibility and something worth striving for. Adding diversity to your workforce can reap real, immediate and long term rewards including financial, cultural, social and intangible rewards. You will face barriers and resistance, especially in the current climate of “fear of others.” But with the right leadership, motivation, and spirit of inclusion, you can leverage the power of diversity within your organization.

How to start? How about organizing a lunch and learn discussion around the film, Late Night ? Invite a mix of people so you get a diversity of thoughts and reactions. Get the conversation going. Listen, share, shift.

Let me leave you with one final empowering thought from my friend and colleague, Nika White:

“ No matter what your role – executive, manager, business owner, or someone interested in seeing our world improve – you have the power to drive change. ”
~Dr. Nika White, DEI Practitioner, Speaker and author of 3 books of which T he Intentional Inclusionist is the first

Only One Flavor Is Boring

Tue, 06 Aug 2019 21:36:28 GMT

Imagine if the only ice cream flavor that was available was plain vani lla.

What if the only music choice was Country?

What if the only meat they sold was chicken (breasts only; no thighs, only white meat)?

How about dining out? You could only frequent restaurants that serve American food. What is American food anyway?

Grocery stores would stock only these types of fruit and vegetables: iceberg lettuce (no mixed greens), white button mushrooms, Idaho Russet potatoes, cauliflower, white corn, parsnips, Jicama, sweet Vidalia onion (I do love those!), honeydew melon, white table grapes, pears, white peaches, and bananas. Oh, and all the white bread you can eat!

Perhaps you go to the package store to buy an adult beverage and they stock only Chardonnay-style wines and Bud Light beer and other beverages that are “Made in America.” All imported beverages are strictly banned.

The only kind of pet you could own would be a pure bred golden retriever. Sorry, no felines, rodents or reptiles; we have enough of those crawling around our big cities!

And for you gardeners and landscapers, in this imaginary world your choices at the nursery and DYI stores would be limited to white roses, snowball bush viburnum, Shasta daisies, Sweet Alyssum (Carpet of Snow), white Hollyhocks, Crape Myrtle trees (white only), white flowering Spirea, and the like (so long as it blooms pure white). If any of these plants or trees produces a deviant color (like red, pink, blue, chocolate, yellow, orange), they would need to be eliminated immediately so as not to disturb the purity of the white garden.

How happy are you now?

Only One Color is Boring, Too

I’ve been reading with much dismay about the most recent mass shootings in the United States, and the growing tide of white nationalism , the vilification of immigrants, the rise of xenophobia (i.e., the fear or hatred of that which is perceived to be foreign or strange), and yes, racism . Let’s call it what it is. And this trend is not just an American one, but seems to be a global movement.

Now, we all have stereotypes and unconscious bias. It’s hard, if not impossible, to get away from it. However, we can and must become more self-aware of our own bias so that we can make better choices on how to behave and how to treat others. Otherwise we will create a country and a world that is filled with fear, hate, scarcity and cruelty. And I would like to add another negative outcome: Boredom.

Diversity Spices Things Up

When things are all the same, they are boring. Predictable yes, but ultimately boring. The saying goes, “Variety is the spice of life.” I believe this and try to live by it. And I know that diversity is the key to living a vibrant, fulfilling, and peaceful life.

Diversity of thought.

Diversity of ideas.

Diversity of backgrounds.

Diversity of life experiences.

Diversity of friends and neighbors.

Diversity of cuisine and culture.

Diversity of abilities.

Diversity of skin color, eye color, shape, size, gender, identities, sexual preferences, languages, opinions, religious practices, citizenships, origin, economic status, professions, etc.

And of course, diversity of ice cream flavors!

Celebrate Our Differences

We will be a happier, healthier, and more interesting world if and when we learn to embrace, welcome and celebrate our differences.

Like kids do before we teach them how to hate. Let’s teach our children to love, accept and play with other children who are different than they are. Let’s do the same for our adult selves.

Ultimately we belong to ONE RACE – the human race. And we are only as strong as our weakest link.

Let’s stop all the negative energy that goes into excluding and eliminating others from being in our homes and schools, in our communities, workplaces, and countries. Let’s stop all the ugly rhetoric, cruel policies, divisive practices, and horrific violence that weakens us all and jeopardizes our collective future.

Adolph Hitler failed for many reasons, one of which is that white supremacy is a fallacy. There is no one master race. Sameness is weakness and is not sustainable. Mankind has never been just one color, but rather a rainbow of humanity with unlimited potential.

Embrace Diversity and Inclusion as a Way of Life

It’s time to change our thinking and behavior about race. We must have the courage to to stand up and speak out against white nationalism. It’s time that we embrace multiculturalism as the only path forward. Let’s create a culture and a lifestyle that honors diversity and inclusion.

Please join me in welcoming mankind (and womankind) into your life in all of its glorious colors, forms, and origins.

Keep Calm And Carry On: A History Lesson

Thu, 13 Jun 2019 21:57:54 GMT

I have long admired the “brand” of Keep Calm and Carry On . In fact, I have purchased products from their website and created my own versions of it, like Keep Calm and Finish Strong as the lead image for my four-part blog series on presentation closing techniques and options . But it was only recently that I became curious about the backstory of this clever slogan.

After a quick Google search, which led me to a Wikipedia website, I realized that this slogan has been around for a long time and has historical reference. Not wanting to believe everything that I read online, I reached out to a good friend in my network, Emma Campbell Visick, who lives and works (and writes) in the United Kingdom. She is a brilliant thinker, writer, and student of history. I have enjoyed many dinner conversations with her and her husband Richard, and come away astounded by how much I don’t know about what transpired in WWI, WWII, the Vietnam War, the Korean War, and other conflicts that have shaped the world.

It’s a very good thing to have a well-read jobbing historian (her words, not mine) in your professional network. When I received Emma’s email response to my question, “What’s the backstory of the Keep Calm and Carry On slogan,” I knew I had a blog post in the making. It is with joy that I share Emma, her knowledge and perspective with all of you. I hope you will read through to the very end as I did. There is so much we don’t know, don’t remember, and are no longer taught about history. We owe it to ourselves to be more curious about what has happened in the past. We have much to learn from the past, and hopefully this knowledge can help prevent us from repeating the same mistakes. It is also a good reminder of the power of propaganda to shape our thoughts, feelings and actions about contemporary issues. By studying history you might just realize that we’ve been here before.

Please enjoy this article (and the true British English spelling) by guest contributor, Emma Campbell Visick. And please share with others in your network and on social media. We still have much to learn from our military past. History is a great teacher. Let’s be more curious and willing students.

Does History Help Us Understand What We Need To Do To Dig Deeper?
By Emma Campbell-Visick

As Britain anticipated war with Germany in 1939 – and all the uncertainty that went with another conflict with that country in the space of just over 20 years – the Government set about conceptualising and building communication campaigns aimed at galvanising the will and actions of the people to withstand a further period of hostilities. Developed in the Spring of that year, the Keep Calm and Carry On tag line pre-dated the outbreak of the Second World War but was apparently never formally broadcast. Campaign posters like the one shown here were discovered over sixty years later; igniting a combination of nostalgia and pride in how well these few, simple words summed up the British psyche – not just in times of war, either – and this clever catchphrase has since been extended into a variety of different places and uses.

Inspiring Action and Self-Reliance

A campaign that did see the light of day – Dig For Victory – built on the sentiments of stoicism and self-reliance evoked by Keep Calm and Carry On , and urged us to use every bit of space in which to grow our own food. Dependent on sea trade routes, Britain faced a long and arduous battle to maintain supply lines as the highly effective German U-Boats wreaked havoc on our merchant shipping convoys. When placed alongside the assertion (attributed to Napoleon) that, “An army marches on its stomach”, Dig for Victory hit home the message that Britain had to build capability and capacity to feed itself.

Similarly, and in the interests of eeking-out and recycling, the Make Do And Mend campaign distributed a pamphlet filled with useful tips. It appealed to the value of thrift and the drive against wasting precious resources. Other noteworthy campaigns sought contributions of all and any metal objects that were to be melted down and used for building new aircraft and the manufacture of armaments. A fabulous notion, other than saucepans, wrought iron railings, and tin cups (amongst the plethora of other things offered up by the Great British public) were completely unusable for those particular purposes.

Mobilising a Workforce

Throughout the War, the British Government continued to release campaigns aimed at galvanising its people to keep that stiff upper lip and push through. The Blitz continued during the Battle of Britain, and until we were properly able to secure our skies. Key to this was the manufacture of aircraft, for which we required the rapid and wholesale employment of women, as so many men had been displaced into military roles.

Additionally, those who could no longer work, or who were unfit / too old for combative roles, were assigned to fire-watching cum air raid warden cum peacekeeping roles on land. This was epitomised through the long-running comedy series Dad’s Army ; which addressed almost every aspect of what life was like at that time for those left behind to guard the home front…albeit in a comedic setting.

While Keep Calm and Carry On might not have been released into the public domain, the immortal words of Corporal Jones, “Don’t panic!” entered the vernacular to epitomise the state of the British mind during six years of conflict; the monologue of an elderly soldier, who had had a decorated military career in the Sudan in the late nineteenth century, but who was prone to panicking and venting forth when confronted by the unfamiliar military environment he faced in the mid-twentieth. Watch these funny “Don’t Panic” scenes from the TV series, Dad’s Army .

Ten Insights From Our Military Past

Most people have limited knowledge or were never taught at school about the details of our military past. The study of history – and the overwhelming impact of conflict, not only on the fighting forces but also on civilians caught up in the theatres of war – could assist our better understanding of and approaches towards some of the challenges faced during peacetime.

Here are ten action points which, I believe, we can take forward in our every day lives; and some insights from our military past that, perhaps, put the necessity of taking such action into context.

1. Defy Ignorance

Insight: In the build up to Operation Barbarossa, part of the Eastern Front campaign in Europe, four million Axis troops amassed along the Soviet border from the Baltic to the Black Sea. Confident of the strength of the non-aggression pact signed with Germany in August 1939, Stalin neglected to believe any of the reports from his military advisors until the covers were removed from the canons and firing started on 21 June 1941.

Take Action:

Gather intelligence
Avoid wishful thinking
Make it your duty to understand what is going on
Ask the bold, challenging questions – don’t be afraid to ask.

2. Know What You Are Good At (as well as your limitations )

Insight: Britain proved that we could wage war in the skies, while the battle for the sea took the duration of the war to play out. Victory in the Battle of Britain provided a glimmer of hope in an otherwise bleak landscape, and was used to good effect by the propaganda machine that was steadily churning away.

Take Action:

Build credibility and trust based on what you are good at and what can reasonably be achieved
Build on your strengths, and any weaknesses will take care of themselves.

3. Lead by Example

Insight: The massacres and crimes against humanity committed across the globe in the quest for domination and control have yielded lessons that lead the fight for human rights; calling out misdemeanours and prosecuting the perpetrators of atrocities.

Take Action:

Lead where you can, otherwise seek leadership and assist that leadership towards a higher goal
And, if you can’t behave, don’t say or do anything.

4. Get Organised

Insight: The Great War 1914-19 and its successor in 1939-45 demonstrated the need (nay imperative) for dialogue and negotiation in the face of perceived or actual threats. Since 1945, the United Nations, NATO (the military might behind diplomatic efforts), and the European Union have enabled like-minded nation states to work together rather than apart, and to achieve strength through numbers; while ensuring that no single person or state is more dominant or stronger than the sum of the parts.

Take Action:

As Kathy McAfee would say, “Build your network!”

5. Plan

Insight: All military battles have had plans – some more successful than others – and, through planning, people can communicate and understand the intentions and objectives of others; enabling them to put their own plans into perspective.

Take Action:

Failing to plan is planning to fail
Plans change, but you have to start somewhere.

6. Manage Risk

Insight: Arguably, every action of the British propaganda machine addressed the risks of the time; while communicating our strengths, leveraging opportunities, and demonising the threats. A notorious campaign encapsulated the risk that Careless Talk Costs Lives . From what I have read and been told, this was a pretty effective message. By way of illustration…in the build up to D-Day (6 June 1944), men and materiel of epic proportions and infrastructure of an unimaginable scale were accumulated along the South Coast of England; the visible landscape was transformed over a period of months. Yet, people did not talk about it. They could see it with their own eyes, they understood that stuff was happening, yet they knew the importance of keeping matters secret. About secrets, more later…back to risks…do you know what “risk” is?

Risks are not the same as issues:

An issue is a risk that has not been effectively dealt with.
An issue requires more resources to resolve than risks take to mitigate; once you have opened that door and allowed that horse to bolt, there could be a lot of running about to do.

Take Action:

Make it your business to understand the difference between a risk and an issue, and how to manage risks; and, who you will need to call upon should you be unable to hold it all together and that door flies open. And, just to be clear, shooting the horse in this instance should be the worst-case scenario.

7. Learn Lessons

Insight: A key outcome of war in Europe and the economic aftermath has been the formation of the European Union. Initially comprising the western states, the EU now includes a number of countries that formed part of the Soviet Bloc until 1989. Irrespective of your politics, it is an unquestionable fact that the EU has been the single greatest contributor to peace and economic stability in Europe since WWII; peace derived through stable economies. Why Britain would want to leave that Union, therefore, is mind-boggling.

Take Action:

Understand the cause and effect of the things that affect you: if I don’t keep in touch with my network, then picking up that phone or going to that networking event fills me with dread. You get the picture…

8. Avoid Sharing Secrets

Insight: Stealing secrets was, and has been, the stock-in-trade for some infamous organisations. When on our side – like Bletchley Park – it was all good. When we were at the receiving end, the outcomes could be disastrous. As such, secrets represent the bulwark between success and failure and, in a commercial context, should be protected unless it is more beneficial to share them. At a personal level, secrets could amount to your intellectual property; the human capital that you have worked hard for.

Take Action:

Know which secrets (of your success) can be shared
“Keep Your Powder Dry” – let people discover who you are and what you are capable of; people in suspense will pay more attention to you, be patient with you, and seek you out because they are interested to know more about you.

9. Be Charismatic and Persuasive

Insight: History shows that, when people are led or forced to do things through fear, they remember that terror. When led through persuasion and charisma, they remember the journey.

Take Action:

Inspire people to follow you; avoid using the stick if you can.

10. Build Resilience and Resolve

Insight: Churchill’s words, “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender…” are well-known; words uttered in Britain’s “darkest hour”. In a modern, peacetime, and civilian context, the “fight” could be our individual paths towards achieving success – however we define it – and that we explore success in many, different places, and keep our resolve to do so through open-mindedness and (dare I say it) a degree of experimentation.

Take Action:

Understand what is important and why
Network with like-minded individuals and organisations to build a common platform and understanding; learn from them
Be brave without making a fool of yourself; be courageous without falling on your sword – you’ll be remembered, but it could take a while before people speak to you again.

About the Writer

Emma Campbell-Visick is a Programme Manager and Change Manager, specialising in IT-driven change and organisational transformation involving business process re-engineering, people management, and regulatory enforcement.

As a Programme Manager, she works with clients in the public and private sectors to deliver enhancements and benefits to their businesses, ensuring that portfolios of change are aligned with their corporate strategies and the vision end states for their target operating models.

In her role as a Change Manager, she defines the change management strategies for her clients, prepares change teams, develops sponsorship models, manages change through communications and training, and monitors the actions required to reinforce and embed change.

Passionate about learning and education, Emma volunteers as a student mentor at Southampton University in the United Kingdom – a member of the Russell Group. In her spare time, she reads about military history and the impact of military action on civilian populations.

Connect with Emma on LinkedIn

Celebrating All Mothers, Everywhere

Fri, 10 May 2019 22:06:43 GMT

Sunday, May 12th, is Mother’s Day in the United States. More than a century ago, Mother’s Day was invented by Anna Jarvis of West Virginia as a way of honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children. Anna was inspired by her own mother, Jarvis’s mother, Ann Reeves Jarvis, who had helped to start “Mothers’ Day Work Clubs,” teaching women how to care for their children. What started out as public recognition and good will, quickly became highly commercialized. Story has it that the founder Anna later became dismayed by the way the holiday got out of hand.

Just how crazy have things become? The National Retail Federation has been tracking consumer spending on Mother’s Day since 2003. This year, they project that U.S. adults will spend a record amount: $25 billion in 2019 (up from $23.1 billion in 2018). That’s a lot of flowers, candy, and meals out for Mom.

Think of the Many Women Who Helped to Raise You to Become the Person That You Are

There are so many women who have had profound impact on my life, my mother Roz, Cousin Tina, me, and Cousin Linda. I also am blessed to have had the advice, love and friendship of these significant women in my life: my grandmother Rosario, Aunt Rosie, Aunt Hermine, friend Julie May Vescovi, managers Yolanda Canny, Leslie Bergh, and so many more.

Are Gifts the Only Way to Show Our Appreciation?

Of course there are many ways to show your appreciation for the mother figures in your life. Gift giving is one of the five love languages, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages . Understanding how you give and receive love is really important, and can shed insight into the dynamics of an important relationship in your life. ( Take the quiz to find out about your dominant love language(s) and of your partner and/or family members). Through this book, I now understand how much gift giving is part of the way I show my love and appreciation for other people. I also understand that not everyone is wired the way I am. For some people, gifts are not as meaningful, and don’t necessarily make them feel loved and appreciated.

We are pressured by consumerism, advertising, and expectation to buy, buy, buy. If we don’t shower our mothers, wives, daughters, aunts, sisters, etc. with cards and gifts on Mother’s Day, we might hurt their feelings. And for some women, Mother’s Day is an especially painful day. Women like myself who suffered from infertility and couldn’t have children of their own. Or women who have lost children to illnesses, accidents, or gun violence. No amount of flowers, cards and candy can ease that pain. How can we show our love and respect for all of their sacrifices and contributions as mothers and as women?

Expressing Our Love and Respect for All Mothers, Everywhere

Let’s go back to the founder’s intentions for this special day: to honor the sacrifices mothers made for their children. Notice that the word is “mothers” – plural, not singular. This holiday is really about all mothers – mothers everywhere – women being motherly and making sacrifices for the betterment of children everywhere.

What if, instead of honoring our mothers with consumer disposables, we reallocated some of that gift money and put it towards something which would help more mothers? What if we gave a gift in HONOR of our mother, and all the women who are in our lives?

What if we moved the apostrophe in Mother’s Day to be Mothers’ Day, and made it a movement? If you like this idea, you will want to join the Mothers’ Day Movement. For the price of a bouquet of flowers, you can save a child’s life.

Join MothersDayMovement.org

The MothersDayMovement.org was started for four motivated women, one of whom is my dear friend Eva Hausman. Since 2011, the Mothers’ Day Movement (also called MDM) has raised over $600,000 for charities that directly help women and their children.

This year 100% of your donation goes directly to this year’s chosen charity — Edesia Nutrition –which helps treat and prevent malnutrition. Imagine a world where every child is well nourished. You can be part of making that happen.

How it Works

First go to MothersDayMovement.org and make a financial donation to honor the mothers in your life.

Then choose a beautiful ecard to be sent to your designated honorees – your mother, your friend, your wife, your sister, your aunt, or any special woman in your life. Mom would be proud of you!

Then, share this opportunity with your friends and connections on social media.

Join me and thousands of others in supporting MothersDayMovement.org

Words Have Power

Thu, 02 May 2019 22:13:10 GMT

I think it’s time to retire the old adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” This saying supposedly first appeared in 1862 in The Christian Recorder, a publication of the African Methodist Episcopal Church. For more than 150 years this expression has been a frequently imparted piece of advice that parents give to their children to build their courage and resilience. But in today’s world of cyber bullying, social media misinformation, school and workplace harassment, and political name calling, we see that words can have a very negative impact. Words can hurt. Words can destroy relationships and end careers. Words can even lead to senseless death and violence. Yes, words do have power. How are you using that power?

One’s Man’s Trash is Another Man’s Treasure?

Recently while walking my dog one fine evening with my husband, I noticed an abundance of litter and trash strewn around the pathway. There were glass bottles, empty cigarette packets, plastic straws, paper, soda and beer cans, and various plastic parts that once belonged to some useful item. I find it inconceivable that someone would be so lazy, careless and inconsiderate that they would just toss these items on the street and litter the environment. Rarely do I see someone actually in the process of littering, but it must happen all the time. And I don’t think it’s just teenagers and those “other people” who are doing the littering. I think it’s a pervasive problem that cuts across all sectors of society.

I see the warning signs on the highways and on the streets. It’s hard to miss. If you litter, you will get fined. In fact, the penalties are quite high. For example, in my state of South Carolina, the penalties for illegal dumping or the discarding of litter or garbage in an area not intended for that use, has a fine of $1,000 and a minimum of 15 hours litter-gathering labor. Can you imagine having to take time off from work to pay this debt to society?

And still people are liberal with their physical trash. Either they/we think it doesn’t matter, or someone else will pick it up for us. Actually, that is part of our dog walk. We bring two plastic bags with us and collect garbage along the way. We make a game out of it. The person who collects the most items or the most interesting items “wins.” But what do we really win? How about a cleaner neighbor and community?

Trash Talk

This got me thinking about the parallel between physical trash and verbal trash. How often do we carelessly dump our verbal litter in our workplace, homes and community? How often do we gossip knowing it’s the wrong thing to do, but we can’t resist the temptation to join in on juicy conversation about our colleagues, neighbors or family members? How about those zingers–criticism with a spiteful edge– that we spew in meetings or send off in impulsive emails? Or the easiest kind of verbal litters–social media posts and unflattering photos of others?

I am not sitting in judgement of you or anyone else. I am bringing this up because it is also a known weakness of mine. Perhaps it is a weakness of 99.9% of all human beings. Very few people are evolved and enlightened enough to steer clear of verbal littering.

But what if we got fined every time we tossed our trash talk? What if we had to pay money for our verbal litterbug behavior? Would we be able to stop? And who would stop us anyway? Perhaps we could brush it off with attitudes and beliefs like, “If they can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen!” Or “Toughen up; don’t be such a sensitive wimp. They are just words; I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Post Traumatic Word Disorder

This week I had the fortunate experience to meet a man at a small gathering of a professional association that I belong to. He was well dressed, soft spoken, and a bit shy. As the half-day workshop wore on, this gentleman began to share a little more about himself, his passion (or his calling, as he referred to it), and his life story. He told us that when he was in middle school he had a learning disability and a speech impediment. He also came from an impoverished, minority family. He shared two vivid memories of teachers who told him very plainly that he would never amount to anything. He didn’t have what it takes to go to college. They strongly recommended that he buy a lawnmower and learn how to cut grass, because that was probably the best job he could get. The speech therapist also gave up on him, feeling he was a hopeless case, so why should she waste her time on him?

Reader, you might be feeling like I was when I heard this story; ANGRY at that insensitive, heartless, cruel teacher. But who knows, maybe that teacher had the best intentions and was offering the best of what they had to give at the time. It is a reminder to all of us of the power that our words have on others. Whether you are a teacher, a tutor, a parent, a boss, a friend, a spouse, a pastor, your words have power and you must be mindful in how you use them. The damage from your verbal litter can last for years and negatively impact many lives. I know that is not the legacy you want to leave.

p.s. This gentleman not only graduate from college, but he earned his Ph.D., served in the US military, joined the FBI, and now works in career development at a technical community college helping thousands of other students reach their full potential. He still has his lawnmower to remind him that some things need to be cut back, like bad advice and harmful words.

Be Impeccable with Your Word

What’s the solution? How can we stop verbal litter? We embrace the first agreement in author/leader Don Miguel Ruiz timeless book, The Four Agreements .

Here is his simple instruction:”Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love…”

How elegant. How noble. How very difficult! But what a worthy benchmark to set for ourselves. To be impeccable with our word. Every word. Everywhere. Every time. With everyone.

How to get started with this? Start in self-awareness. Notice the words you choose when you are sharing your thoughts and opinions with others. If there is even a hint of maliciousness, or the scent of lewd, hurtful or denigration, just stop (i.e., stop talking, stop texting, stop tweeting). Stop mid-sentence. Delete the post. Don’t send the email. Step away from the water cooler. You are not ready to communicate. Take a time out until you are calm and peaceful. Figure out a better way to rephrase your thoughts. Figure out how to communicate your ideas and feelings using only impeccable words. Use words that have the power to lift others up, to inspire, to transform, to help; not to crush, kill and destroy.

Words have power. Your words have power. In the words of Uncle Ben Parker in the movie Spiderman , “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Be responsible with your words. Don’t be a verbal litterbug!

The Fierce Urgency Of Now

Fri, 26 Apr 2019 22:24:19 GMT

This week’s blog post is about the importance of advocating for yourself and others whom you love, especially when it comes to health and well-being. Adopt the mantra, “the fierce urgency of now,” inspired by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Most people are familiar with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s iconic speech,”I Have a Dream,” given on August 28, 1963 at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC. It was a defining moment in the civil rights movement in which he called for civil and economic rights and an end to racism in the United States. This speech plus his tireless efforts and the countless hours of tens of thousands of volunteers eventually led to the ratification of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 which legally ended segregation in public places and banned employment discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, sex or national origin.

Dr. King’s speech was ranked the top American speech of the 20th century in a 1999 poll of scholars of public address. I think it will go down as one of the most important speeches in human history. But I love his speech for another reason. It’s a wake-up for action and for living with purpose. He speaks of “the fierce urgency of now.”

Note: You can read the entire speech and listen to an audio of his live delivery of “I Have a Dream” at the The Martin Luther King Jr. Research and Education Institute at Stanford University. The phrase “the fierce urgency of now” is first mentioned in paragraph seven (audio file time code minutes 4:00-4:35).

Three and a half years later, Dr. King spoke again of the fierce urgency of now. Here’s an excerpt from his speech, “ Beyond Vietnam ,” delivered at Riverside Church in New York City on April 4, 1967:

A Mantra to Live By

When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2011, I came to understand the importance of living by Dr. King’s words. With an uncertainty of tomorrow, I had to get on with the business of living now. Surviving cancer made me recommit to my responsibility and privilege of positively contributing to as many people as possible. There was no more excuse for waiting or procrastinating. I had to put my work out there without hesitation or worry that it wasn’t good enough. Heck, I could be dead soon. What was I waiting for?

While that may sound morbid to you, it was quite liberating to me. It created a sense of urgency for living, giving, and contribution now, while I was still alive. That’s when I started on my aggressive writing schedule, leading to publishing a book a year.

That’s when I recommitted to volunteer leadership, joining organizations like Soroptimist International of the Americas, and Rotary International.

That’s when I decided that I didn’t need to “take over the world,”(as I often phrase it) to be happy. I could be happy with making a difference on the lives of individuals that I came into contact with in my family, neighborhood, community, workplace, even strangers that I met online.

I found myself less frequently asking the questions, “What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t measure up? Maybe I’m not ready?” I just started going for it. Living, giving, contributing, with a fierce urgency of now.

This was the best gift that cancer could have given me: a new outlook on life.

A Mantra to Act By

Just recently, I have had the unfortunate opportunity to revisit this motivating mantra: The Fierce Urgency of Now! This time, it became a mantra for action and advocacy. You see my husband Byron was unexpectedly diagnosed with melanoma . The mark appeared on his face. It looked like an age spot, so we didn’t think anything of it. He had an appointment with a dermatologist but because he was a new patient, he had to wait six months for his appointment. As his wife, there were several conversations about how we could expedite this, including trading my early appointment for him. But we waited our turn.

By the time he finally got to the dermatologist, the mark on his face had developed a hard, lumpy feel to it. This was not a good sign. The dermatologist made the decision to do a biopsy to check it out. That turned out to be a very good call, because the biopsy results came back with the horrible headline of cancer – melanoma. A referral to an ENT specialist (ears/nose/throat) was made.

Mind you, I am now in the role of caregiver / spouse. This time it’s not me with the problem, but me supporting the loved one with the crisis. I gotta tell you, it’s more different being the caregiver than the cancer patient.

When we went to our appointment with the ENT specialist it was like a whole new world. I was trying my best to ask good questions and capture the information that the doctor shared. Even though I had direct cancer experience, melanoma was very different than ovarian cancer.

But what struck me most about the appointment was the doctor’s comments that they were really busy right now, scheduling wise. He couldn’t do surgery for at least a month. We were shocked. A month? This is melanoma we are talking about. Every day counts. It could have already spread to my husband’s lymph node system. The mortality tables and projections for that scenario are quite grim. Reading this information online really set off our imaginations, in all the wrong directions!

Byron kept telling the doctor that he “wanted this off my face right away.” The doctor understood, saying he would probably feel the same if it was his cancer diagnosis. “But statistically speaking, it won’t really make a difference if you do it now or in a month.” That’s when we knew that we could not work with this doctor. Where was the sense of urgency? This is a life or death situation–not to be taken lightly.

We pushed some more. We asked for referrals. We saw Byron’s general practitioner the very next day. We wanted a second opinion. I reached out to friends in the medical community asking for help. One response was quite remarkable.

Tap Into Your Network

I had the good fortune of meeting Dr. Alex Garvey when he was the guest speaker at my Rotary club meeting last year. I was so impressed with his presentation that I wrote a blog about him – The Power of Speaking from the Heart.

Alex is a senior executive with Bon Secours St. Francis Health Care System in Greenville, SC. I have been fortunate to see him at a number of events and meetings. I also built rapport with his administrative assistant, Glenda Eller. I reached out to Glenda by phone after that disappointing meeting with the ENT. I asked her if she or Alex had any referrals to specialists at Bon Secours St. Francis that could help us in this time of crisis. She told me that Alex was at an offsite leadership meeting, but she would get a message to him. Within 50 minutes, Glenda emailed me back saying that she connected with Alex who was at the meeting with the head of their oncology center. Dr. Robert (Bob) Siegel, who would be contacting us the next day.

Really? Could people move that fast? Do others have the fierce urgency of now in their willingness to help others? My heart soared. My burden lifted. There was hope. There was action.

Within 4 days we were sitting in Dr. Siegel’s office (what an incredible cancer center they have!!!). At this meeting, we learned so much more. He told us what kind of melanoma tumor it was. Based on the initial biopsy results and a physical exam, he told us it was a sub-type of melanoma that was less common, and slower growing. He told us that this type of melanoma rarely spreads to the lymph system. He confirmed that the surgical plan and additional biopsies were the right course of action. And he educated us on the cancer treatment options in the event that the cancer had spread. He ended our appointment saying that we probably wouldn’t need his services. We left the center with a huge smile on our face, and the decision that if we needed to work with an oncologist, he would be the one!

The Power of Referrals

If you can’t handle the work yourself, you should refer the business to someone who can. That is how you best serve your clients. We were relieved when the original ENT surgeon referred us to one of the partners in his medical practice. This surgeon had more experience with melanoma cancer and knew the urgency required. His office called and put us on the schedule for Friday, April 12th.

The surgery went smoothly (although the procedure to prepare for the surgery and additional biopsy was pretty horrific). My parents drove up to be with us during the surgery and the day that followed. We waited anxiously for five days until we got the results of the lymph node biopsy (called a sentinel node biopsy). Miraculously, the biopsy was negative! This meant that the cancer had not spread. What a huge relief. We ran around the house just giddy, chanting, “Byron gets to live!”

Things to Remember:

Decide what is urgent and important. Often we take for granted or ignore what is truly most important to us (like our health). It’s easy to get busy with activities and distractions and blow off what really matters to you and those you care about. Take time to ground yourself in your true priorities…before it’s too late.
You must advocate for your own healthcare. Don’t let other people (even doctors and people of “authority”) put you on the back burner. Your health and well-being matter. If you need help advocating for yourself, find someone in your inner circle to join you at important medical appointments. Don’t be afraid to re-enact Shirley McLaine in her famous scene in the film, Terms of Endearment : G ive My Daughter The Shot!!
Wear Sunscreen. I just love listening to Baz Luhrmann’s song, Everybody’s Free. His music video is pretty cool, too. Did you know that the lyrics for this song originally came from an essay written as a hypothetical commencement speech by columnist Mary Schmich, and published in June 1997 in the Chicago Tribune? She got it right when she said, “Trust me on the sunscreen.”

Don't Leave Your Personal Brand To Chance

Thu, 18 Apr 2019 23:46:20 GMT

Personal branding has been the core of my work since I launched my own business in 2005. But little did I know that long before that, I had a personal brand. I just wasn’t aware of it. I spent most of my early career working on large consumer brands with cool product lines like Levi Strauss & Co., Maybelline Cosmetics, and Lindeman’s Wines of Australia. I threw my heart and soul into building those iconic brands. All the while I was ignoring my own personal brand. Every time I changed jobs or companies, I felt like I had a new identify. I became the products and companies that I worked for. I had it all backwards.

Your personal brand is your own. It stays with you for your entire life. It doesn’t disappear when you lose your job or change positions. It goes with you. Of course, your personal brand will evolve and change with your experience and maturity. It is also influenced by your reputation and how others view you. But the most empowering part of personal branding is that you get to decide how you want to be known professionally. It is your responsibility to live up to that personal brand and to embody all of the values and integrity that you have designed into it. It is also your job to manage your brand intentionally and consistently. Never leave your personal brand to chance.

More than a Clever Slogan

Don’t mistake your personal brand for some clever tagline or slogan. That’s just window dressing. Finding your personal brand requires deep work including reflection and external feedback. You have to make choices and decisions. You can’t be everything to everybody. It’s not about pleasing others. It’s about being true to yourself.

More than Your Title

Many professionals link their titles to their brands. Being Vice President or CEO certainly carries some weight, but it is not sufficient to be a personal brand platform. Why? Because titles and positions are temporary. They change frequently. And let’s face it, there are a lot of Vice Presidents out there. You don’t want to commoditize yourself as just another VP. You are so much more than that.

Defining You is Your Job

Like other people, I have hired many copywriters, graphic designers, and marketing agencies to help me build my brand. Every time I work with a new group, they have a different interpretation of my brand. My brand has had many iterations over the years. But it wasn’t until I started to work closely with Mark LeBlanc, a business development coach, that I started to appreciate the strategic underpinnings of one’s personal brand. I was honored to be able to co-author a book with Mark and his business partner, Henry DeVries. We titled it Defining You: How Smart Professionals Craft the Answers to: Who Are You? What Do You Do? How Can You Help Me?

We all need the ability and confidence to be able to articulate the answers to the above questions. It is what our colleagues, clients, prospects, and hiring managers want and need to know. Mark says in the book:

“The way you communicate who you are and what you do will ultimately help you overcome the greatest single obstacle in the marketplace.” He goes on to say that “While you are faced with many obstacles, the inability to communicate effectively will result in a ripple effect of chaos and confusion you may never get a handle on.”

While that may sound like an exaggeration, from my personal and professional experience it’s true. We waste so much time and energy blabbing on about what we do and then expect other people to “get us.” It’s not their fault that they don’t “get us.” It’s ours. We just don’t have a good handle on our personal brands.

Just take a look at LinkedIn. You’ll find so many professionals that are ignoring their personal brands. It breaks my heart!

So this blog is dedicated to helping you get a handle on your personal brand.

Will it be hard work? Yes.
Is it worth is? Definitely.
Will you need some help? Most likely.
When do you need to start? Right now.
Will you enjoy the process? Oh yeah!

Video Resources to Get You Headed it the Right Direction

I was honored to be invited to be a guest on the podcast, the Brandon Smith Show . I met Brandon at a recent conference. He is known as the Workplace Therapist . He believes that your job should not have to suck, and that life doesn’t have to be this hard. That we deserve better. That’s why he focuses his work on eliminating workplace dysfunction. When every workplace is healthy, productive, fulfilling, and dysfunction-free with only great leaders and honorable managers guiding the ship, then he’ll hang up his hat. But until then, he has work to do. He’ll continue to give it his all with his podcast, training programs, consulting services, and keynote speaking. I’m proud to call him my colleague. Watch a few minutes of our podcast interview. I just love his snazzy opening music!

Another resource that I want to share with you in this blog is this video of a TED-like talk I gave at the Indie Friends and Family Forum in La Jollla, California this past March. This conference is designed for independent consultants, authors and speakers who want to build their business by leveraging their thought-leadership through books and speeches. It was the first time that I gave a public talk about my latest book, Defining You. In this 10-minute video, I share two stories from the book of highly credentialed professionals who were motivated to craft and hone their personal brands in order to realize new opportunities. Please enjoy the video and let me know what you think by leaving a comment on my YouTube Channel .

Are You Ready to Take Charge of Your Personal Brand?

I would recommend that you purchase and read a copy of Defining You .

Here’s a recent review of the book on Google Books. The reader happens to be my friend and favorite photographer Matthew J. Wagner. He loved the book so much that he also sent me a photo of himself enjoying the book. Now that made me smile!

“I just got this book in the mail yesterday and I’ve already highlighted and underlined most of Part 1. This is exactly what I need to take my business to the next level. I’ve often been intimidated by long books that take too long to get to the point. This book cuts to the chase and tells me what I need to know and do to grow as a professional. Thanks, authors, for this amazing tool for personal development and success.” Matthew J. Wagner, owner of MJW Fine Photography

Career Advice To Young Adults From A Corporate Recruiter

Thu, 28 Mar 2019 23:59:14 GMT

What do you want to be when you grow up?

How many times have you been asked this question? How many times have you asked it of others? And why is it so difficult to answer? I don’t know. It’s hard to say.

Early this week my good friend and colleague, Nancy Anton, was the guest speaker for the 2019 Career Day program hosted by the Rotary Club of Greenville. More than 100 high school juniors were in attendance as well as about 100+ Rotarians. The room was full of energy and optimism for the future.

Nancy opened up with the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” She then shared some statistics that made us feel better for not having an answer:

75% of students enter college as “undeclared”
50% of college students change their major during their college years

By a show of hands, most Rotarians in the room were not in jobs that they had envisioned when they were in eleventh grade. We just didn’t have enough information or life experience to know at that time. So why do we keep pressuring young people to know what we didn’t know at that age?

Even though Nancy’s presentation (and this blog post) is primarily for the benefit of young people trying to find their path, the career advice that Nancy shares is germane to all of us. Whether you are early career, mid-career, seasoned, retired, expired, or considering an encore performance, pay attention. Nancy’s career tips can help you to help more young peopole to begin their career journeys. Her tips might even be useful in helping you to manage your own career. You never know…

Six Career Tips to Help Young Adults Find Their Path
Inspired by Nancy Anton, corporate recruiter and career counselor*

Career Tip #1: Get More Information

Nancy encouraged the students to get more information. She said, “Good decisions are based on good information.” She explained that many people pursue careers that follow what their parents or family did. Why? Because it’s familiar. It feels safe.

Career Tip #2: Be Curious and Ask Good Questions

Nancy recommended that the students be more curious. “Curiosity shows intelligence,” she stated. Ask some of these questions the next time you are networking with someone in a profession, field or job that you might have interest in:

“What do you like most about doing what you are doing?”
"What makes you successful in doing what you’re doing?”
“What qualities and skills are important to do what you do well?”

Career Tip #3: Spend Your Time Wisely

There are many ways to learn and find out what career paths might be right for you, including:

Take a summer job doing something you are potentially interested in doing. Don’t just default to a summer job that pays well or is easy to do. Rather, stretch yourself to land a summer job or internship that puts you in the position to get more information about what it’s like to work in different fields.

Short term assignments are also a great way to see what other people do. “Temping” through agencies can offer young people a great deal of exposure and variety in a short period of time. Nancy has found that temping allows young people to figure out “Is this me?” and “Is this where I want to be?”

Job shadowing is a great way to get information. She told a story of a young person who was a wait staff professional serving a group of doctors at a local cafe. In a casual conversation, the doctors picked up on the fact that the young person was possibly interested in a career in medicine. One of the doctors invited the young person to come to the hospital and job shadow him for a day. This job shadow experience provided the young person with a great experience and a lot more firsthand information about what it might be like working in the medical industry.

Networking is also a great way to get more information, suggested Nancy. Talk to your parents’ friends and neighbors who are in jobs/fields that you might be interested in. People know people. And if you ask good questions and follow up, they are likely to want to help you along your path.

School Counselors. Some high schools and most colleges have career advisers and school counselors that are truly exceptional in providing students with the mentoring, information, and motivation to explore career possibilities. Make an appointment and have a conversation. Check out what services they can offer you. What should you do if you find a counselor that is a naysayer and doesn’t believe that you will amount to much? Find another counselor, mentor, or adult who is more helpful and encouraging.

Career Tip #4: Do Your Research

There are many online resources available to help young people gain more information and ideas about possible career paths that might be a good fit for them.

For example, Glassdoor has millions of jobs, salary information, company reviews, and interview questions – all posted anonymously by employees and job seekers.

YouTube has a number of educational videos on different career paths and fields. And if you need some inspiration and ideas worth sharing, check out the many talks on TED.com. For example, Scott Dinsmore tells his personal story of how to find work you love and then getting started doing it.

No money for college? Before you saddle yourself with thousands of dollars’ worth of college debt, check out what college scholarships and grants are available.

Nancy told an amazing story of interviewing a gentleman for a corporate attorney position. His resume showed that he had a college degree in mining. Nancy asked him how he went from having an interest in mining to becoming an attorney. He told her that his parents didn’t have money to send him to college. So, he searched for college scholarships and found one at Texas A&M that was offering a full ride to students who would pursue a degree in mining. He went for it. While at Texas A&M he asked if he could also do a minor in computer science. They said yes. After graduation, he landed a job with IBM, consulting with their clients in the mining and infrastructure sector. Then he learned that IBM had a tuition reimbursement program for employees. He applied for that and began night classes at law school. A few years later, he had earned his Juris Doctor degree. So why was he interested in mining? Because it offered him a free college education and a pathway to begin his career.

Career Tip #5: Have a Good Reason for Leaving

Someone in the audience asked Nancy how long they should stay in a job in order to avoid the negative impression of being a job hopper. Nancy responded that she worries more about the candidate who has done the same job forever, versus the candidate who has changed jobs a few times. Of course, she has seen candidates who have worked for the same company for many years, but with many jobs and different assignments that clearly shows their continuous growth, development, and learning.

Nancy cautions young adults not to quit their jobs just because they are bored, angry with the boss or colleague, or don’t see a fast track career path. “It takes between 6 -18 months to become fully competent in a job. You must stick through it.” She referred to being “agile” as an important attribute to demonstrate on the job (and in your resume).

Generally speaking, a pattern of job hopping creates concern for recruiters and employers. It triggers a thought bubble in their head, “What’s going to happen if they become unhappy at my workplace? Are they going to leave me, too?”

There are many good reasons to leave a job (even if you don’t have another job to go to, although that would be the preferred situation). Nancy’s advice to all in the room: “You have to make sense of your career moves.”

Career Tip #6: Attitude is Everything

Even when you have a difficult or disappointing job experience, it can still be a valuable learning experience for you, if you have the right attitude. Don’t fear change; embrace change as an opportunity to learn and grow, and to experience new and different things. “There’s value in learning what you don’t want to do. Keep your mind open, and ask for help,” stated Nancy.

And keep in mind that positive attitudes need care and feeding. Inspiration and reflection are part of the dietary requirements for a positive attitude. Consider what you are reading, watching, listening to, and hanging out with. Do these external inputs make you feel more positive, or more negative, or perhaps neutral? Do they build you up or tear you down?

One of my favorite gifts to give to a graduating high school or college senior is the book, Work on Purpose by Lara Galinsky and Kelly Nuxoll. This book follows the careers of five young professionals who choose fields based on what others told them would be best for them, only to discover they are miserable. Their journey to find a new career path is truly inspiring. The companion organization, Echoing Green , is also doing amazing work to equip and motivate young professionals to do more meaningful work. They act as a social innovation fund to be a catalyst for change and impact.

One Final Thought

As Nancy closed her Career Day talk at the Rotary Club of Greenville, she suggested that the students and the adults consider asking a better question. Rather than asking, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, try asking this question:

“ Where are you going to get started?”

***

About Nancy Anton

Nancy is an expert corporate recruiter and career counselor. She serves as a Senior Recruiter with GE. Prior to that, Nancy was Corporate Recruiter with Cigna, MassMutual and Talent Acquisitions Manager for Legrand. Nancy has been recruiting over 15 years, with a history of filling 75-300 positions a year. Known as The Voice on Recruiting, Nancy is a national speaker and trainer Corporate America. She has trained over 2,000 recruiters sharing the fundamentals of recruiting, agency law and ethics. Learn more about Nancy Anton on her LinkedIn profile .

[ Note: The ideas and opinions contained in this blog were inspired by the notes I took while Nancy Anton gave her presentation at the Rotary Club of Greenville’s Career Day on March 26, 2019. I have inserted a few of my own pearls of wisdom to young adults looking to launch their careers. Nancy Anton has reviewed and approved this message.]

Step Away From The Podium

Thu, 14 Mar 2019 17:25:28 GMT

In my work as an executive presentation coach and trainer over the past 15 years, I have witnessed many magical moments. Like the times when clients take bold risks to deliver their presentation in more creative ways. Or the bravery that they exhibit in stepping away from the podium and away from the perceived safety of the PowerPoint slides to reveal who they really are.

One such moment occurred last November when I was facilitating a two-day executive presentation skills program called The Motivated Presenter for a large regional bank. Out of respect for their privacy, the names in this blog shall remain confidential. One of the participants, let’s call her Susan, admitted that she was very reluctant to take this course, but that her manager had insisted for the sake of her professional development. Susan had been signed up for the course two other times but had cancelled at the last minute. I remember this because I had printed out Susan’s course certificate on a number of occasions, only to throw it away when she no-showed. I suspected something might be going on other than a busy schedule.

When Susan finally did make it to the training, I could see, hear and feel her anxiety. But I could also see her talent and potential. She had quite a number of strengths when it came to public speaking, just not the confidence or awareness of her gifts. With the support of her peers and myself, Susan gradually came out of her shell and began to take some risks. She even started to smile and have a little fun in the program.

Then I showed a video to the class that demonstrated what can happen when we have the courage to step away from the podium and stop hiding behind our PowerPoint slides. The video was from a live studio rehearsal for the song “ This is Me ” from the movie The Greatest Showman . The song, performed by Keala Settle, is one of my personal favorites and I love to belt it out and sing along while it’s playing on Pandora. Of course, I do this in the privacy of my own home or car, because let’s face it, my singing voice isn’t well trained.

As I played this video in the room full of senior leaders, I noticed Susan starting to tear up. Heck, I was tearing up. Warning: when you watch this video you might even tear up, or at least get goosebumps.

I want you to notice the precious moment when Keala Settle makes the bold decision to lower the music stand (equivalent to the podium) and to step out in front and give it her all. Notice what happens to the sound of her voice, how her whole body becomes engaged in the music, and how the performance level rises to greater heights. I also want you to pay attention to how Keala’s courage impacts her colleagues in the room. Notice how their performance levels increase as well. Notice how Keala’s co-star, Hugh Jackman reaches out to hold her hand in support, and with his audible exhalation expresses his immense pride in her. It’s palpable. Goosebumps!

The Power of Authenticity

I share this client experience and this video with you to remind all of us of the power of being our authentic selves. When we have the courage to share who we truly are, some amazing things can happen. For my client Susan, it provided a transformative jolt to her self-confidence and self-esteem. For Keala Settle, it was a breakthrough in her career as a performing artist. For movie-goers everywhere it was an absolute joy to see Keala perform so powerfully in the movie The Greatest Showman , and to play the song on iTunes. And for your audience, those who sit through your meetings and presentations, they want to see, hear and experience the real you. It’s not about presenting you, it’s about being you.

Seven Tips to Give You the Courage to Step Away from the Podium

The next time you give a presentation at work or in the community, apply these changes:

1. Go PowerPoint-free. This will eliminate any temptation to hide behind your slides. Need help weaning yourself from PowerPoint? Read my book Stop Global Boring .

2. Tell a personal story. Share more of who you are with your audience by telling them a personal story during your presentation. Find a way to make a relevant point from your story and connect it to the audience, the topic and context of the meeting.

3. Practice and rehearse. Get out of your head and into your body as part of your presentation preparation. You must vocalize the message and find natural ways to move and gesture as you speak in front of people.

4. Mic up. Coordinate in advance with the audio-visual professionals at your company and/or conference venue. Find out and test what kind of voice amplification you will be using. Choose an outfit that will allow you to clip on a Lavalier microphone, if that’s what you’ll be using. (Or invest in a skinny belt if you plan on wearing a dress with no pockets.)

5. Get a coach. Because presentation skills are part of the journey towards communication mastery, we can all benefit by working with a coach from time to time. Speech coach, presentation coach, pitch coach, storytelling coach – they go by different titles – but find a professional who can guide you in the development and delivery of your ideas. You might also benefit from joining a group like Toastmasters , where you will have regular opportunities to practice different kinds of presentations and get peer feedback on them.

6. Become a student of presentation. Become curious and studious about the art of public speaking. Learn by watching others. View TED talks online and notice the communication techniques the speakers use, and notice their unique speaking styles. And whenever you find yourself bored senseless in a meeting or presentation, you can use this as an opportunity to learn from others. Download the In-the-Moment Feedback worksheet that you can use to stay engaged and in learning mode.

7. Pay Attention / Deeper Listening. This final tip comes from my speech coach, Arthur Samuel Joseph, founder of the Vocal Awareness Institute, and author of the book, Vocal Leadership . Arthur has advised me on many occasions to listen in to what’s going on inside my body when I speak in public. I am now more aware of the precise moment of when I’m “trying too hard,” or when I’m “holding back out of fear.” Arthur has given me the permission and the courage to “Be My Self” even when other people are looking.

What to do “when the sharpest words wanna cut me down”

There are so many things that hold us back, keep us small, and force us to pretend to be who we are not. We face many external forces such as expectations, societal obsession with skinny or ripped-with-muscles body types, unconscious bias, peer pressure, stereotyping and bigotry, exclusion, etc. These external forces can be overwhelming and cause us to feel helpless. The same negative impact can come from internal forces like fear, self-doubt, need to be liked, self-loathing, the comparison trap, the perfection trap , stinking thinking, etc.

The good news is that we do have control over these internal forces. For example,

We can decide today to love and respect ourselves, even with all of our imperfections.
We can choose to overcome our fear. I just ordered the popular book by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway: How to be more confident
We can stop comparing ourselves to everyone else. Just stop. Don’t do it.
We can think and act more inclusively, accepting and appreciating others who are different than us.
We can make the bold decision, like Keala Settle, to step out and leave the safety of the music stand (or podium) and give it our all.
We can encourage, coach, support and celebrate others who are willing to do the same.

Anything Can Be Repaired

Fri, 22 Feb 2019 18:40:05 GMT

In April 2018 my husband and I launched an Airbnb house. As a first time Airbnb host, we quickly figured out what it took to create a positive experience for our guests. Thus far, we have had 58 bookings, with guests visiting our town from all over the United States, Europe and as far away as China.

It has been a very positive experience for us. Of course, there were a few guests who we wished had booked at a different place. For example, we had one family whose infant was allowed to urinate on our sofa, and the parents flipped over the cushion hoping we wouldn’t notice. Or that same guest who shaved his red beard in our sink, leaving the hair clippings all over the bathroom. Or the guest who toweled off her hair which she had dyed bright blue and purple, leaving permanent stains on our plush white bath towels. Or the guest who chipped our enamel bathtub and then claimed it was like that when they arrived. I’m not complaining (or am I?). This is just part of the experience in hospitality. It makes me think more carefully about how I leave the room when I check out of a hotel. But I’m still bothered by the lack of consideration, accountability, and the damage that some people cause without taking personal responsibility.

But then my husband reminds me, “Anything can be repaired.” And he really believes it. Byron is gifted with do-it-yourself, handy man genes. He is incredibly useful and has saved us unbelievable amounts of money on home repair jobs.

Attitude is Everything

What a wonderful attitude and empowering belief that you believe you could repair or fix just about anything. It opens up so many possibilities. The results of approaching life like this might include reduction in landfill (e.g., broken consumer goods that no one takes the time to repair; just dump it and replace it). Parents would be modeling and teaching their children valuable life skills like do-it-yourself home repair. You could save money with this attitude. And you would have a lifetime of cool projects on your personal honey-do-list or project list.

I appreciate that not everyone has the do-it-yourself skill or interest. And yes, power tools can be intimidating to use (note: my friends at Stanley Black & Decker can help you overcome that fear). But what about other things that need fixing and repairing, like damaged relationships, and shredded self-esteem? Once damaged, can these things be repaired, or are they destined to be thrown out with the trash?

Which Got Me Wondering…

When I hear others or myself use words like “anything” or “everyone” or “always” or even “never” in a declarative statement, I am immediately suspicious. There are always exceptions to that rule. (I just noticed I used the word “always” in that last sentence. Hmmm…) So I wondered how one might go about repairing any of these situations:

Strained family relationships
Negative first impressions
Betrayal and broken trust of a close friend or loved one
Backstabbing by a colleague
Injustice
Lawsuits
Bullying by school mates
Rape, sexual assault or harassment by a person in power (#MeToo movement)
Domestic violence
Ugly divorce
Kids who won’t talk to you or blame you for everything that’s gone wrong in their lives
Damaged professional reputation
Being fired from your job for cause or for no reason
Being incarcerated

Okay, I’m getting pretty dark here. But these are real situations that many of us have had to face in our lifetimes. Recovering from these situations–repairing ourselves, if you will–can take years.

So what can we do, as individuals, to repair ourselves when we are damaged?

We Can Emerge

I’m blessed to know and work with an inspiring and talented leader, speaker and author, Maureen Ross Gemme. Just being in her presence for thirty minutes is enough to brighten my day. Maureen and I have traveled together, co-facilitating training courses with corporate clients on important topics such as communication efficiency, and building productive relationships. On those business trips she confidently shared aspects of her life, including her personal story of addiction recovery. She has just released a new book called Emerge: 7 Steps to transformation (no matter what life throws at you), published by Flower of Life Press.

In this powerful little book, Maureen points out the simple truth that we are not tied to our pasts and that we can change our beliefs to better support the life we want to live. “A belief,” she says, “is simply a thought that you think over and over again. It can be changed.”

In the book is a compelling story of two brothers, Tony and Carl, who endured a hellish upbringing by an abusive father. Guess how their lives turned out? I won’t spoil the surprise (you’ll have to buy and read the book for that), but the story demonstrates an important principle of living: “In this life, you get to choose. You alone are responsible for your choices.”

Let Go of Resentments

Holding a grudge is one of the most damaging things we can do to ourselves. It forces us to stay in a negative space, replaying the original injury or insult over and over again, causing more and more damage to the psyche. I believe that hanging on to resentment has long term, cumulative, negative impact.

Often times the people who have hurt us have already moved on with their lives, forgetting the incident altogether. Meanwhile we are stewing over it for days, weeks, years. So how do we repair that situation? We let it go. We forget and forgive. And this simple act of letting go, allows us to release the grip it has over us. We can breathe again. We are lighter, less stressed, more open and free. Letting go indeed has many physical, mental, emotional and spiritual benefits. And it is all in our control. We can repair ourselves in this way.

The Power of Forgiveness

I just got off the phone with Maureen to better understand her take on how forgiveness works. She reminded me that “forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.”

I shared details with Maureen about my difficult parenting experience and the heart-breaking disruption of our twin sons who we adopted from the foster care system when they were nine years old. Some of you know this story–how our family was torn apart by a set of circumstances that no one could control. They were the most difficult years of my life–even more difficult than going through ovarian cancer. I remember searching for peace and forgiveness. I wanted to know the strategy and steps behind forgiveness. How did it work exactly? I kept asking people, “How do you do forgiveness? What’s the magic formula?” Forgiveness seemed elusive to me at that desperate time in my life, when I was so full of fear, sadness, anger and resentment.

At one magical moment, one of our twins dropped by our house, after not speaking to us for four years. He told us he had joined the military and was being deployed overseas. We invited him in for coffee and conversation. It was the most amazing experience. A moment of grace and closure. I was able to tell him that I was sorry that I hadn’t been the mother and person he needed me to be at that time in his life; I was sorry our family had broken apart; and that I loved him and wanted the very best for him now and in the future. He told me that I didn’t need to apologize; that it was all in the past. He had forgotten about it. But I told him that I needed to tell him how I was feeling. I needed to ask for his forgiveness, and to forgive myself. And so it was done. The air was cleared. When he left the house, he promised to stay in touch. We haven’t heard from him since that special night. But it’s okay. I found the forgiveness I was seeking. I feel at peace about that experience. And that is how I came to heal myself, to repair my broken heart.

In Maureen’s book, Emerge, she provides an important perspective on the impact that forgiveness can have on your life and future:

“Forgiveness doesn’t mean you approve, need to forget, or that you need to accept that person back in our life. Forgiveness just means you won’t let the power of that experience hurt you anymore. It’s in the PAST! Gone. Finished. Released. You will now free up your energy and grow spiritually. More doors and opportunities will open for you.”

Do You Have the Courage to Apologize?

While it may feel really vulnerable and risky to apologize–to acknowledge your mistakes and wrongdoing–it’s also incredibly empowering to do so. It shows great character and personal strength. It helps to repair, reset and restore important relationships.

I fear that the humility and self-awareness required to apologize with sincerity is sorely lacking in many of our leaders these days. We see our political leaders modeling behavior and strategies that are more akin to a strategy I refer to as “Deny-distract-attack; Blame-lie-sue.” Wouldn’t it just be simpler, cleaner and more human to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Please forgive me.”?

Maureen believes that when we apologize to someone, we need to stay focused on what we did. We must admit our part of it and stay focused there. Don’t remind them of what they did to trigger you or caused you to behave in an inappropriate way. She said it like cleaning up your side of the street. Once you are done, don’t go to your neighbor and say, “Heh, your side looks like crap.” Apologizing is a way of taking personal responsibility for your life and actions. As Maureen says, it helps you “own your own shit.” (That’s one of my favorite expressions, crude as it may be!) Apologizing help us cleanse away emotional blocks. Apologizing is part of letting go and moving on. In our roles as parents, co-workers, friends, spouses, neighbors, and citizens, Maureen encourages all of us to model apologizing and make it a normal part of interacting with other people.

According to the team at MindTools, apologizing is the ability to ask for forgiveness gracefully. “It isn’t always easy to apologize, but it’s the most effective way to restore trust and balance in a relationship, when you’ve done something wrong.”

Watch this helpful video on the four steps they outline for an effective apologies:

The four steps seem pretty simple at first, but they’ll take practice and getting used to in order to add them to your communication skill set.

1. Express remorse.
2. Admit responsibility.
3. Make amends.
4. Promise that it won’t happen again.

The MindTools team offers a helpful tip if you’re concerned that your words won’t come out right when you apologize. “Write down what you want to say, and then role-play the conversation with a trusted friend or colleague. However, don’t practice so much that your apology sounds rehearsed. Read their full article How to Apologize: Asking for Forgiveness Gracefully

When All Else Fails, Laugh

My final tip to help you repair the more challenging things in your life is to remember that laughter has tremendous healing power. Not laughing at other people, but laughing at yourself and the ridiculous ways in which our minds get twisted and tangled in negativity and unproductive ways. Laughter helps to reset the brain, shifts our physiology, and alters the chemicals in our bodies. Laughter helps us to feel better. Maybe that’s why I just love this photo that I found of Maureen Ross Gemme online. You can just feel the joy, delight, and freedom that she has created in her life. If it works for her, maybe it will work for you? You get to decide.

“You are the leader of your life and by stepping up and challenging yourself to get to the next level you can make the world a better place.”
~ Maureen Ross Gemme

Learn more about Maureen at her website EmergeLeadershipAcademy.com

Rejection Resilience

Thu, 17 Jan 2019 18:54:40 GMT

It’s the third week of January and already the windows of new opportunity are opening up. In my case, a door had to be shut before a window could open up. You know where I’m headed with this one. I’m talking about the optimistic expression, “every cloud has a silver lining.” What’s the upside potential of difficult events like rejection, loss, and personal or business hardship? How can we contain the emotional and psychological impact of rejection so it doesn’t prevent us from reaching our goals and fulfilling our full potential?

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
– Alexander Graham Bell

No shame. No silence.

The natural inclination is to keep our failures to ourselves. Telling other people about rejections that you’ve encountered might lead them to thinking you are weak or a loser. Or perhaps you don’t want people to feel sorry for you. So you suck it up, and suffer in silence. After all, no one wants to go to someone else’s pity party. Crying is for babies, etc. Well, I disagree with this stinking thinking. I like to take a different approach.

As part of my resiliency, I would like to share my latest rejection with you, my valued readers. This week, one of my largest and most cherished clients told me that they wouldn’t be needing my services this year. While I was very disappointed, I was grateful to the client for taking the time to call me and personally explain their decision. This act of personalized communication demonstrated how much they respected me and my work. It also showed their high level of integrity and professionalism. After all, they could have just emailed me the bad news, or worse, announced it on Twitter (“You’re fired.”). We had a very good conversation, sharing balanced feedback, and leaving the door open for future work together in 2020 or beyond.

But the reality is that this loss will have an immediate impact on the financial health of my business in 2019. The emotional impact was immediate, too. After I hung up the phone, I walked around and breathed. Then I put my head down and cried, no wailed, for three minutes straight. Fortunately, no one was around except for my dog Sofiya, who was tremendously supportive with her unconditional love. She didn’t say a thing, she just listened, cuddled, and was fully present with me. After this intensive emotional release, I dusted myself off. I could now begin to think clearly. What did I need to do next? How can I grieve this loss, learn from it, refocus and move on?

Visualize Your Goals

“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”
– Steve Maraboli

The same afternoon that I received this difficult phone call, I attended a workshop at my local library called Build Your New Year Vision Board. This was one of the suggested activities that I included in the blog I wrote two weeks ago, called What’s Your Power Word for the Year ?

The workshop was a very cathartic experience for me. It was the perfect activity to do in the aftermath of receiving bad news. I met new people, heard about their life’s challenges, dreams, goals and ambitions. Through our vision boards, we shared our stories – the story that we wanted to create for our lives in 2019 and beyond.

I created two vision boards – one for my personal life and one for my business. I have displayed them in my home office in front of my desk where I can see them every day. I particularly like the cut out I found in a magazine that says, “ Is it too much TO ASK? ” It reminds me that it’s okay to ask for what you want and need. It also reflects my sassy and bold personality. I make no apologies for this. This is part of my brilliance.

Letting Go: The First Step Towards Moving On

“We can see a “no” as part of the journey to getting a “yes” from even a better source. Rejection, then, becomes a good indicator for the number of risks we take in life. We build our rejection muscles, and in turn, rejection rewards us by making us more enlivened, engaged and resilient.”
– Ari Honarvar

The other things that I am doing to help me get past this latest rejection are meditation and yoga. I find that these two activities do wonders to clear my mind and reduce stress. By focusing on my breath and my body, I become calmer, stiller, and more peaceful. I find that my anxiety and fear of rejection is lessened.

I’ve put more focus on my daily practice of gratitude, counting the many blessings that I have in my life. I’ve also reached out to close friends to share the news and get their perspective. I realize that I am not the only person who has faced rejection. It’s really a common experience. We have all faced it at one time or another. In fact, learning to deal with rejection builds our resiliency and makes us stronger.

Lastly, I began to do a series of small, positive activities to rebuild my business. This week I mailed out 30 autographed copies of my new book, Defining YOU , to existing and inactive clients and new prospects. I felt better with each signature, each personal letter, each mailing letter, each padded envelop I sealed. Planting seeds of new opportunity and connection is essential to building up one’s rejection resilience.

You are the Author of Your Own Story

Best-selling Australian author Ben Angle shares comforting insight into how to overcome the fear of rejection. At the end of this six-minute video, produced by Success Magazine , Ben says, “You are the author of your own story. Rejection only carries the weight that you give it, nothing more and nothing less. What you write will define what you do, but more importantly it will define whether or not you can be present right here in this moment, when it really counts.”

What Matters is What You Do Next

I have said many times that “If you haven’t been fired or laid off at least once in your career, you haven’t really lived.” That’s just the nature of the “At Will” employment relationship. And if you run your own business, that’s the nature of the free market.

Rejections will continue to come and go. That’s business. That’s life. That’s reality. They say don’t take it personally. But when it happens to you, as it just happened to me, it hurts. It feels intensely personal.

What really matters though, what really shows what you are made of, is what you do next. You decide what it means. You control your own reaction. You get to write the narrative.

I encourage you to reframe the meaning of rejection in your life. Rejection is not a dead end. It does not stop your journey. Rejection simply challenges you to find another path towards your dreams and goals.

More Resources for Resiliency

While preparing this blog post, I found a few other helpful articles. Of course the topic of rejection and resilience is covered by many authors, books, blogs, and research organizations. Please share the resources that you have found most useful.

1. Read an inspiring personal story from Ari Honarvar who is the founder of Rumi With A View, dedicated to building music and poetry bridges across war-torn borders. In this article she shares practical ways to alleviate the pain of rejection and even use it as an ally in practicing well-being.

2. Tips for Dealing with Rejection by author Mandy Kloppers

Because You May Never Know...

Fri, 28 Dec 2018 19:37:20 GMT

You never know whose life you are going to change for the better. You may never hear about the impact your simple acts of kindness have on other people. In the absence of feedback you may start to wonder if it really makes a difference. I’m here to tell you that it does. And that you must keep doing it – helping people every day in small and big ways. The positive energy you share works and your acts of kindness are hugely valuable. Let me share just one recent example from my own life.

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”
– Aesop

The Cancer Connection

Since having ovarian cancer in 2011, I have had the opportunity to connect with people who I likely would never have come into contact with if not for the cancer connection. Some were newly diagnosed with cancer, others were caregivers, friends or family members of people struggling with cancer. Knowing that everyone’s cancer journey is a unique one, I shared what wisdom and inspiration that I could, always being mindful of not being too prescriptive.

Sometimes all I can do is listen, empathize, and be fully present. Other times, I suggest books and resources that supported me through my cancer journey. And when I can, I spend time with them on the phone or in person, just to let them know that they are not alone.

It is my core belief that one should never go it alone when facing cancer, life-threatening illnesses, or adversity. I have found that sharing the burden with friends and people who care about you will help you heal faster and more completely.

Now that I am recovered from cancer (going on 8 years survived!) I feel it is my duty and privilege to help others who are just beginning their journey cancer. And it was with that intention that I made myself available to a professional contact named Rhonda about three years ago.

As with many of these encounters, you help out the best you can, and then you must let go. They take it from there. It’s their journey. But imagine my surprise when I received an email in my inbox last week from Rhonda expressing her gratitude and letting me know how it impacted her life.

I Hope You Know What an Impact You Made

With Rhonda’s permission, I share the contents of her email. Just imagine how I felt reading her email.

“Hello, My Dear Lady. I was just thinking about you this week, as you saved my sister’s life. After she was diagnosed with lung cancer, she went on the Kris Carr program, thanks to your recommended reading. Now, three years later, she is going strong after metastasized cancer. It is the greatest gift you could have given us, Kathy. I hope you know what an impact you made, and I will certainly pass your recommended reading onto others. Love you! – Rhonda”

Rhonda’s email motivated me so much that I made the decision to speak more publicly about my experience with ovarian cancer. And to publish a book Alive and Kicking Cancer (working title). I want to multiply the positive impact that I had on Rhonda and her sister to more and more people. And not for myself, but for them. It’s about giving back and paying it forward. It is an act of kindness that I can do easily and naturally.

Maybe It’s Not Random

Which got me thinking about the common expression, “Random Acts of Kindness.” I always loved that idea and how it gave us permission to do good things even if they were small, unexpected, and anonymous. But what if kindness wasn’t a random act, but a strategic one. What if kindness was more intentional and not so happenstance? What if kindness was a highly valued trait in society, like the association we make with people who are strong, powerful, and successful? What if kindness was an essential quality of leadership, integrity, and professionalism? The workplace and the world would feel like a very different (and more enjoyable) place to be.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
– Mahatma Gandhi

Making Kindness Intentional

This week I invite you to consider adding kindness to your personal leadership brand. Make kindness part of how you want to be known professionally and personally. Consider what types of behaviors, actions and attitudes might be required of you to live up to that kindness standard.

Twenty-One Kindness Salute

Here are twenty one ideas to practice kindness. Which one(s) could you commit to?

Listening with compassion to your colleagues, clients, and family members.
Being fully present when you are in the presence of other people. Do not allow yourself to be distracted by your digital device.
Donating generously and volunteering your time to charitable causes (and not just for the tax deduction, but because it is a kind thing to do).
Generously tipping people who are in the service industry and may not be earning living wages like you are (including hotel housekeeping staff, wait staff professionals, waste removal professionals, home health care workers, etc.).
Making the time to network with people who are in job transition and need your advice and connections.
Mentoring others who are early in their careers and might benefit from your wisdom and connections.
Standing up to racism, hatred, and bullies in the workplace. Protect those who are vulnerable or being harassed by more powerful people.
Use social media responsibly. Do not share or forward mean-spirited, inflammatory, or misleading messages.
Spend some quality time with senior citizens, being patient and allowing them to share their life stories (even if you’ve heard them before).
Value diversity and practice inclusion in your workplace, community, country, and world.
Smiling, making eye contact, and having conversations with homeless people, helping them feel visible and valued.
Sharing your resources with people who need them (books, articles, connections, ideas).
Bringing a meal and visiting someone who is sick or going through bereavement.
Suspending judgement and not shaming people who have made mistakes.
Forgiving people who have wronged you in the past, present or future.
Signing up to drive patients to their medical appointments.
Serving on the board of directors of a nonprofit who mission aligns with your values.
Helping your neighbor with gardening chores, sharing tools and resources.
Ask about someone else’s needs before you demand for your needs to be met.
Be kind, respectful and considerate to customer service agents (phone or in person) who really are trying to help you.
Letting people know what a big difference you have made in their lives, like Rhonda did for me!

Kindly Share Your Ideas

Do you have other ideas or examples of how we can behave your way into a lifestyle of KINDNESS?

Always Be Connecting (6 of 6)

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 20:49:52 GMT

Networking doesn’t have to be a business-only type of interaction. Anywhere people gather is an opportunity to connect, converse, and build rapport. In fact, if you are open to it, any event and any occasion can become a networking opportunity.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to be constantly hustling or have some ulterior motive. With the right approach, anywhere there are people, there is an opportunity to have a conversation that could lead to a future relationship that just might benefit your career, your business, or your life. That’s the magic of networking.

That’s why “ Always Be Connecting ” is the sixth and final core principle of relationship-based networking. It’s the ABC of networking (not to be confused with the ABC of selling which is Always Be Closing).

I wrote about this idea in my book Networking Ahead 3rd Edition . See Chapter 24, entitled “Off Roading: Unusual Places to Network,” where I share real examples about making meaningful connections while on vacation, at funerals (celebrations of life), college reunions, and more.

I specially chose the image of a yoga class for this sixth and final blog in the series on relationship-based networking. There are two networking success stories that I want to highlight in this blog:

My friendship and connection to Deb Orosz. Deb recently retired from United Technologies where she used her masters degree in Science and Management of Technology to lead innovative projects and diverse teams for more than a decade. She is also passionate about yoga and nutrition and healthy lifestyles. I met Deb at the YMCA about eight years ago when she was teaching yoga classes. The quality of her voice, her high level of instruction, and her gentle spirit made her stand out in my mind as an exceptionally gifted teacher. When she announced she was leaving the YMCA to open her own studio (now called Roots Yoga and Nutrition located in Tarriffville, Connecticut), I decided to follow her. What developed was a natural evolution from the student-teacher relationship to a friendship. Even now as we are living in different regions of the USA, we continue to stay in touch and to leverage our connection to benefit ourselves and others in our networks. The photo below was taken this Spring when I stopped by for a yoga class while on a business trip to Connecticut. I am so glad that I didn’t take a passive approach to yoga. Instead I approached it with a networking “Always Be Connecting” mindset. This allowed me to benefit from the spirit of community that is inherent in the practice of yoga, and the practice of being human.

The recent marriage of Ron Demonet. I met Ron through my recent involvement with the Rotary Club of Greenville in South Carolina. Ron is the incoming President for the fiscal year 2018-2019. He is also the managing director of a nonprofit organization Veterans Scholarships Forever (from their web site: “The G.I. Bill provides education for many veterans, but not for all. Veteran Scholarships Forever fills the gap.”). You can read more about Ron and his work on his LinkedIn page.

As I am a new member of Rotary, Ron invited me to networking coffee so that we could get to know each other better. He also wanted to learn more about my specific interests in community service and past volunteering experience. I also benefited from ride-sharing with him to a Rotary meeting that was an hour away. That time in the car with Ron was worth its weight in gold. (Read my networking tip on the value of ridesharing.)

During the long drive to the meeting, I learned that Ron was recently married. When I asked him how he met his new wife Nancy, he told me that they met on a yoga mat. His mat next to her mat. An accidental yoga student, Ron tried yoga when nothing else would relief his severe back pain. Over time and with this shared interest, Ron and Nancy came to know and appreciate each other. Within a few years, they made the decision to get married. This photo was taken on their honeymoon in Switzerland.

I had to smile at this story of how Ron and Nancy met. It reminded me of the inscription in my book, Networking Ahead 3rd Edition which is dedicated to my husband. It reads: “To Byron, from blind date to loving husband, you are my favorite networking success story.” You see, Byron and I originally met through mutual friends. If you will, a facilitated introduction by people we both trusted and liked. We will be celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary this August.

Now I am not suggesting that networking replace eHarmony or Match.com or that you approach networking with the intention of finding your soul mate. What I am encouraging you to do is to practice your networking skills in yoga or any other type of physical fitness that you enjoy, or activity or hobby that you regularly partake in. These venues are natural environments for you to develop meaningful connections, even if you are an introvert.

Always Be Connecting is easy and simple. You just have to get your head out of your digital device and notice the people right in front of you. Then have the courage and gumption to say hello and start a conversation. That’s how it all begins.

Putting the Six Core Principles to Work in Your Networking Practice

I’ve enjoyed writing this six-part series on the core principles of relationship-based networking. I believe it to be the best way to practice networking: putting relationships ahead of transactions to build long-term, highly productive professional relationships that create personal value as well. Over the last 14 years, I have found that if we prioritize the value of the relationship over the “deal” or “sale,” and if we keep our eyes on the long term value, not just the immediate short term payoff, we can all have more fun, more friends, better careers, stronger businesses, healthier communities, and a better world. Now, what’s not to LOVE about that?!

If you would like to read more about the six core principles of relationship-based networking, below are the links to the individual blogs in this six-part series:

Lend and Borrow Your Social Capital
Strive to be Visible, Valuable, and Available
Help Others and Ask for Help
Be Authentic. Be Fully Present
Follow Up and Stay In Touch
Always Be Connecting

Follow Up. Stay In Touch. (5 of 6)

Mon, 11 Jun 2018 20:40:06 GMT

Follow Up is the fifth core principle of relationship-based networking.

It is the secret sauce to maintaining strong, reliable, and productive professional relationships. Without effective follow up, your efforts to make new connections and to network amount to one-off transactions. Without effective follow up, your networking practice will become unsustainable.

As a practitioner of networking, I believe that all relationships start out in conversation, and they are built over time when one or both parties follows up and stays in touch. I think of follow up as both an investment and as a discipline . The investment is in the future value of your social capital ( see blog on core principle #1 ). The discipline drives your ability to practice consistent, timely follow up which will enhance your professional reputation. In fact, it will distinguish you.

As your network grows, the requirement for ongoing follow up can be daunting. That’s why it’s helpful to create your own system of networking follow up. While there continues to be new and better technologies and social media to assist you with your follow up, at the heart of effective follow up is your willingness to act on your promptings. Perhaps that is what makes follow up so challenging for so many, including myself.

When Follow Up Goes Wrong…

Let me give you a recent example from my own networking playbook. About 8 months ago, I attended an annual event hosted by my local chamber of commerce. I spent $95 to buy a ticket, and about 4 hours of my time to drive there, attend the event, and drive home. The event was one of those big gala events with over 1,200 people in attendance. The official program was uninspiring, just a series of award presentations. Prior to the sit down dinner, there was a networking reception with hors d’oeuvres on buffet tables and a cash bar for drinks. The space was packed with people and it was very hard to hear each other speak. My voice gave out pretty quickly. I was able to meet a few new people, and exchanged business cards with some people who remembered to bring theirs. I quickly realized that this event was not the kind of networking gathering that works best for me. I made a promise to myself to follow up on the few conversations that I had, if nothing else but to get some semblance of return-on-investment for my time and money spent at this event.

The next morning, I paper clipped the business cards that I had collected to the program booklet and wrote a note to myself “Follow Up: 1) send LinkedIn invitations; 2) invite a few to networking coffee.”

A week letter, the stack was still on my desk. No action taken.

Soon, more papers were piled on top of it, and the promise I had made to myself became hidden from sight.

Two more weeks passed. No follow up.

I began to wonder why I wasn’t taking action. It is such a simple thing to do. I do it all the time. What was the roadblock? Was it my disappointment with the event? Was I not interested in the business people that I met? Or did I fear that the long delay between the event and my follow up might render it pointless.

It also occurred to me that none of the people who I met and gave my card to had followed up with me. Not one of them. Suddenly crazy thoughts started to enter my mind: Maybe I’m not that interesting after all? Maybe no one in my new town wants to get to know me? Maybe I don’t fit in here? Maybe….maybe……

STOP the nonsense. Just do the darn follow up. It’s simple. It’s quick. It’s painless. All of this procrastination just makes it worse. Just do it.

When Follow Up Goes Right….

When follow up goes right, your relationship equity increases and new opportunities are created. Let me give you one very recent example. Today I received an email from my friend Lisa Sundean. Lisa served with me as a member of the board of directors of the YWCA Hartford Region. We got to know each other during the board meetings, committee meetings, and fundraising events. But we also took the time to meet up for coffee and conversation so we could get to know each other better. We are connected on social media. But we have gone our separate ways – Lisa getting her PhD in nursing and working in Boston; me relocating to South Carolina. It’s been a a few months since we’ve been in touch, but the strong base upon which we built our connection has stood the test of time and distance.

Lisa’s email in my inbox immediately brought a smile to my face. I opened it up immediately and read all 340 words with glee. She gave me a quick update on what she has been doing professionally since she completed her PhD program in nursing. In her new role at UMass Boston, she is teaching nursing, and she also does research about nurses on boards. In fact, she had been asked to facilitate a 3-state New England ‘Board Tour’ in NH, CT, and MA to prepare nurses for board service. During these one-day training conferences, she will be leading exercises and discussions on “intentional networking.” She mentioned that she was taking my book, Networking Ahead , with her on her upcoming hiking trip to Machu Picchu (an unforgettable place that I have also hiked). In her email she said that she wanted to pick my brain and get a few networking tips from me that she could share with her audience.

Rather than replying by email (the easy thing to do), I picked up the phone and called her right away. Lucky for me, she had her full contact details at the bottom of her email. She answered the phone and we had a marvelous conversation about her upcoming adventures – both personal and professional.

I offered to send her some resources to help prepare her, and also resources that she could share with her audience. And of course, I gave her some travel tips about Peru, Cusco, and Machu Picchu. That was one of the best trips I have ever taken!

Within 15 minutes after our short phone call, I organized my materials and emailed them to her. She responded, acknowledged receiving them, and thanked me. It felt good to help someone that I cared about. It also felt good to know that I would be helping other people through her network. Later that same day, I updated my contact database with Lisa’s new contact details (do it now, or be frustrated later). I also took the effort to send her a special greeting card from SendOutCards wishing her a safe trip, and including one of my favorite photos from my Machu Picchu hike 15 years ago.

Finally, I made a note in my calendar for late July to reach back out to Lisa and see how her road show went. This follow up reminder will help to keep our connection alive, and perhaps give us both an opportunity to facilitate other introductions for each other. Plus we would have the joy of hearing each other’s voices again, and keeping our connection alive and well.

Tips for Effective Follow Up

If you would like to get more mileage out of your networking relationships, then you need to make networking follow up a disciplined priority. Here are ten tips to help you in your follow up game:

Get organized. It’s hard to stay in touch with people when you don’t have their current contact details. Make it a habit to update your database, whether you keep it on your phone, your email server, or in the cloud. Having a Contact Management System (or for you serious types, a CRM – Customer Relationship Management system) makes it easier to follow up. Be sure to get all of their contact details – not just their mobile number or email. This way you can operate your networking in a more professional manner.
Create your own system. Don’t attempt to reinvent the wheel with each follow up. Establish a process with standards. Stick to it every time.
Prioritize. Not all connections are equal. Some are more important and offer greater potential. Decide which existing and new connections are worthy of extra effort and attention. Increase the frequency of your follow up with the people in your “inner circle” or your Top 50 Contacts, as I refer to them in my book, Networking Ahead 3rd edition .
Make it fun. Follow up doesn’t have to be a drag, not for you to send it nor for others to receive it. Put a little of your personality into every follow up action that you take. I enjoy sending custom greeting cards through the post office (you know, the old fashioned way with a real stamp). As I mentioned above, I use the SendOutCards online gift and card-sending system. (You can try it for free on me if you go to www.MotivatingCards.com ) Sometimes, I will enclose something small but special, like a token coin, bookmark, laminated pocket card, sticker, inspiring quotation, etc.
Show gratitude. Nothing is as powerful as gratitude in action. A simple “thank you” for actions taken on your behalf in the past (recent or distant) makes for a meaningful networking follow up. Whether you chose to pay-it-back or pay-it-forward, gratitude can become a signature part of your networking practice.
Use technology to your advantage. There are more and more ways in which we can connect and stay in touch with each other. Experiment and find the communication channels (plural) that are the most productive for you and the people in your network. Don’t overlook the tried and true – like using your smartphone to actually call and talk to someone (versus just texting or surfing the web), and getting together for a meal or coffee.
You own the next step (every time). Don’t wait for people to get back in touch with you. Adopt the mindset of a relationship manager.
Make yourself “findable.” Include your name and contact details on every communication you send (including email, voicemail messages, LinkedIn profile, business cards, web site, text messages, etc.). Don’t make people go hunting to try to find you and/or get in touch with you. They will give up and the prompting will be lost.
Keep it visible. If you don’t see it, you won’t do it. That’s why I keep a pill box filled with M&M candies on my office desk to remind me to do my follow up daily. Every day I am reminded that I need to reach out to three people and plant three seeds. With every follow action I do (whether a phone call, a letter sent, an email, a text, a lunch or dinner, or greeting card I send), I get to move one of the M&M candies from the AM side of the pill box to the PM side. This crazy idea came from Mark LeBlanc, my business coach. I have shared this creative concept with many of my clients and friends. It works for me and I have seen a material difference in my business growth and professional networking. (You can read more about this reminder device in a blog I wrote in December 2016 called You Can Always Take Smaller Steps.)
Time block. Carve out time in your calendar to do your follow up after every networking meeting, call, or event you attend. Blocking out time in in advance for follow up increases the probability that you will act on your promptings, and reduces the risk of feeling bad about not doing it.

How can you leverage the power of your network?

Be Authentic. Be Fully Present. (4 of 6)

Mon, 04 Jun 2018 20:27:30 GMT

Be authentic. Be fully present .

This fourth core principle of relationship-based networking is easy to say, and very challenging to do on a consistent basis. I wanted to put myself to the test in a real life experiment and report back to you via this blog. I chose a travel day for my experiment in being fully present. The experiment lasted more than 12 hours and had three plus parts to it. If you are up for an interesting if not bizarre story, please read on. [Caution: there are some adult themes to this blog post that may not be suitable for young children.]

Part 1

The day began with an early morning Sunday breakfast with friends of my client who are considering relocating to South Carolina. Although we were strangers when we met, we became fast friends, and conversation flowed very easily and naturally. I made sure to maintain good eye connection, to not interrupt them, to ask a lot of questions, to listen more than talk (that was hard for me), and to stay off my smartphone. This breakfast turned out to be the easiest part of my day-long experiment in being fully present and authentic.

Part 2

The next part of my experiment involved keeping my cool as my Delta flight was delayed for a few hours, and my connection flight had to be changed. I was flying in one day ahead of my work commitment so all was well. This gave me time to do a few more things on the way to the airport. One of those things was having a prolonged conversation with a friend who spontaneously began to tell me her life story. As I stood there on the tarmac of her long driveway, with the sun beating down on my face, I found myself wiggling, shifting my body weight, and at times dancing in place. It was so hard to listen for such a long period of time. All the while I was wondering how we even got on to this topic. I suddenly worried about missing my rescheduled flight. But in the spirit of being fully present, I hung in there, listening actively with compassion and without interrupting. At last I did have to interject and pivot, “Is it already 11am? I need to get to the airport or I’ll miss my rescheduled flight.” It was a natural and acceptable end to our conversation (to be continued, no doubt).

Part 3

By the time I got to the airport, I was pretty tired from listening to other people’s stories. I just wanted to read and be by myself, maybe even sleep for an hour or so on the plane. I had purchased a copy of the May 2018 issue of Oprah Magazine which featured an interesting series of articles entitled, “What can we agree on?” I hoped to gain some new insights that might be useful in my training and coaching practice for communication and networking skills.

I hadn’t expected this article to be addressing the great political divide that is currently facing the United States of America. How truth and lies, deeply held beliefs, and political affiliations are tearing apart families, communities, and friendships. One of the featured guests shared tips on how to suspend judgement and to be curious about other people’s experiences, perspectives, and beliefs (without arguing about them).

This article was particularly timely, as my country had just suffered another mass shooting at a high school – this one in Sante Fe, Texas on May 18th. I was feeling very emotional from this recent tragedy. Quite frankly I am angry at my country’s inability to solve this “public health problem.” Other countries – like Japan and Australia – have managed to reduce mass shootings through sensible gun control measures. Why can’t America?

As I got myself a bit worked up on this issue, a man walked down the plane aisle to take the seat next to me. He was a big, burly, muscly man in his 40’s, adorned wit tattoos. My first thought was “Oh no.” He quickly began flirting with the flight attendant, talking about his dog who was suffering from a rare disease (gaining her sympathy). He then proclaimed that he was going to have 10 drinks and get drunk. I thought “Oh dear….”

He fell asleep shortly after the plane took off. I had hoped that his slumber would continue well past the in-flight beverage service. But he magically awoke as his favorite flight attendant came by. She comp’d him a beer and a vodka. Now I’m thinking, “How do I get reassigned to a new seat?”

After a brief conversation about his dog and the problems his pup had endured, he turned and asked me point blank: “So are you a Republican or a Democrat?”

Part 3.2

Rather than talking about partisan affiliation, I told him what I believe in: women’s rights, social justice, free speech, elimination of institutional racism, civil rights, pay equity, protection of our environment, diplomacy and peace, the right to love who you love, safety for kids attending school, and sensible gun control.

We then got into a deep discussion about gun control, gun ownership, second amendment and all that is wrapped around that hot issue. I tried to remember what I had learned in the Oprah Magazine about having a respectful civil discourse even about topics we might disagree on. I tried to be curious and learn from my fellow passenger about how he views the world.

He then shared with me that he manages a night club for a living. And that he had been involved in an active shooter situation. He told me if he hadn’t had a firearm with him then his staff, some customers, and he himself would have been killed that night.

Thankfully I have never been in an active shooter situation. Such a situation would no doubt deeply affect a person and their views on gun ownership.

He then told me that he owned five guns, including two that were outdated and had no safety features at all. I asked him why he needed weapons that had no safety features and he told me that he got them at a great price and that they are rare. He said he had them locked up in two safes – one at home and one at work.

Trying to be fully present and practice my “listening without judgement” skills, I asked him what he liked about owning guns. Was it for sport, for competition, for self-defense, as a collector, or just a hobby? He said he just likes guns. Period.

He asked me why I thought there was an increase in school shootings these last few years. He believed it was because video games were so violent. I shared my view that there are just too many guns in America. I referenced an article by Nicholas Kristof of The New York Times that shared statistics on gun ownership in America and had a fresh new idea on how to reduce gun shootings in America. Kristof suggests that we treat death by guns as a public health issue, just as we had done to reduce automobiles deaths by implementing sensible precautions such as seat belts, child car seats, speed limits, drivers’ licenses, auto insurance, airbags, etc.

[ Check in: is your pulse rising as you read this? Breathe….suspend judgement….see if you can hang in there and read a few more paragraphs without screaming at me through your device.]

At this point in the conversation we were still very civil, respectful, and actively listening to the other’s thoughts and opinions. I reminded myself that my main goal for this day was to practice my listening skills, and to be fully present without judgement, without arguing, and without trying to persuade, influence, sell, or convince other people to see the world as I do.

Then the conversation got really weird. Mind you we were trapped on an airplane. I couldn’t easily get out of this one without being rude. Before I knew it, my attempts at being fully present turned our conversation into a free counseling session.

He confessed to me that it wasn’t really a night club, but rather a strip joint that he managed. And he had a side business selling pornography. (OMG – what have I gotten myself into?). He was dating a 25 year-old young woman who worked at the club (clothing optional). She had betrayed him and began sleeping with his brother. Then he told me that his brother had been fired from his job as a prison guard for threatening to kill a colleague. He told me that his brother had broken into his apartment to steal his money and guns. The girlfriend, under instruction of the brother, had called the police to report she had been raped. The police came, arrested my plane friend and took all of his guns into evidence (after they remarked what an incredibly cool collection of weapons he had.)

Part 3.3

As you read this, you must be thinking that I’m either making this up, or I’m really gullible. Who would sit and listen to all of this from a complete stranger? Well, I did because I was challenging myself to practice active listening and being fully present without judging another human being. Do you know what I learned (other than some people really have very different lifestyles)?

Being fully present is hard work!

As we deplaned he asked me if I thought he had been lying to me. I told him that as a general rule, I believe everyone until they prove themselves to be liars. Suddenly he went to hug me and told me that this was the best flight he had ever taken. Standing there in the middle of the airport terminal, I made him promise me two things: 1) he would not date anyone under the age of 35; and 2) she had to have a job that required her to have clothes on the entire time. He smiled, laughed, and swore to follow these two rules. He said he would go one step further: he would not date anyone for six months until he got his life together (unless of course that flight attendant would make time for him tonight).

Lessons Learned from this Experiment

There are a number of insights from this multi-part experiment, all which transpired in less than 12 hours. Here’s what I’m taking away:

Is it possible for us to have a civil, polite discussion on heated topics that we disagree on and feel very emotional about? YES – it is possible, but it takes a conscious effort to listen, understand, suspend judgement, and respect another person’s view of the world. We don’t have to agree, but we can try our best to listen, to be open minded, and to maintain civility.
Can we show up as our true selves and be authentic? YES – but it may come at a cost. Not everyone will like you. Some may take advantage of you and your good nature.
Is there such a thing as “too much information?” or getting “too personal?” YES – and this is the perfect example. Too much, too soon, and to the wrong person.
Does it take much effort to power down, avoid distraction, and be fully present when you are with other people? YES – it requires a great deal of focus and intention to stay engaged with people as they share their concerns and opinions. You need to be consciously aware of not only what’s happening around you, but what’s going on inside of you. You only have control of those internal buttons. The choices you make on how to show up largely shape your experience with people, places, and issues you care about.

Why not run your own experiment in being authentic and fully present?

Helping Others And Asking For Help (3 of 6)

Fri, 11 May 2018 20:15:06 GMT

This is the third article in a series on the six core principles of relationship-based networking. This week I focused on the concept of “Helping Others – Asking for Help.” I consider this to be the spirit of networking. You need to be able to do both (ask for help and give help) to be effective in networking. I find many professionals (especially women) find it very easy and natural to help others, but asking for help is an entirely different matter. It can be a struggle and an embarrassment. In some cultures (including the USA), asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness. We are supposed to have all the answers, and to be highly independent, capable of handling anything ourselves. It wasn’t until I had ovarian cancer that I understood the power and necessity of asking others for help. Now seven years survived from cancer, I’m back to struggling with asking for help.

Then a remarkable thing happened. I reconnected with Joel Lagan , assistant vice president and head of sales support at Conning, based in Hartford, CT. Following a lunch and lead motivating seminar that I facilitated for Conning employees, Joel and I had a chance to have a conversation. He shared some very compelling insight on networking and relationship-building that his wife Shannon had offered him. I asked Joel if he could connect me with his wife so I could learn more. Perhaps I could feature her as a guest contributor in my blog series. I thought to myself, I would be helping her and giving her an opportunity. But truth be told, I really needed the help. I’m delighted to report that Shannon Everswick Lagan came through in abundance. I am so glad that I asked her for help!

Please enjoy her article and Shannon’s worldly perspective on the importance of relationships, and how the act of asking for help and taking the help offered is both a skill and a strength that all of us could learn to enjoy!

You’re getting warmer…

Are you resource rich, but relationship poor? asks guest blogger Shannon Everswick Lagan

In her book, Foreign to Familiar , Sarah A. Lanier articulates the concept of hot and cold climate cultures. In short, while each culture has its own nuance, cultures tend to fall into two basic divisions, relationship oriented and task oriented, distinguished by their natural climate.

I grew up in Zimbabwe, Africa. It’s warm and wonderful there, thus the culture is a warm climate culture. It’s relationship based. There’s a strong communal mindset and expectation that everyone will work together for the greater good of those around them. Success is measured by relationships and togetherness. You lean on each other, knowing that you’re moving forward together. Everyone around you is important because they are a person, and people make up community, the valued ‘currency’ in warm cultures.

People freely share their resources and skills with their friends and family. It’s expected that you’ll give, and so it’s not offensive when you take. The goal is to achieve comfort for the whole community, and because of consistent tending to each other’s needs, relationships run deep. You know each other because you do life with each other.

It was a bit of a shock to me as a young adult to move to the cold climate culture in Connecticut after graduation from university. If ever there was a task-oriented culture, this is it. I learned quickly that here, success is measured in what you achieve for yourself. It’s an individualistic culture, where responsible adults are those who can take care of themselves and usually it’s considered negative to lean on others for help. At the end of the day, you’re measured by what you can earn for yourself.

It’s taken a while for me to adjust and see the merits of this culture, but now I do. For instance, one of my favorite traits of this culture is that direct communication is a good thing rather than something that will offend everyone around you. However, I’d like to suggest that while we are resource rich because of our focus on hard work, we are relationship poor. You see, true relationships can’t happen when you’re never vulnerable and when you’re always the one helping, never the one taking. True relationships develop when a healthy balance of give and take is established.

I’ve noticed that people in Connecticut often foster networks over friendships. We know each others’ skill sets and jobs and how someone might help advance our career, but not our stories. It’s fairly common to interact with someone on a regular basis and have no idea who they are, where they live or if they’re going through a hard time. We are so engrossed in achieving our tasks and goals that we fail to see people right in front of us as more than a transaction.

Start thinking about people differently

I encourage you, maybe even challenge you, to start thinking about people differently. When we stop focusing on building our network one transaction at a time, and instead genuinely engage with whoever is in front of us, regardless of whether they’re a barista or a CEO, I think we’ll find that our networks grow far bigger than we expected because community is something powerful and people around us are hungry for it. I think we’re just trying to be responsible and play by the rules. But I’d like to suggest that this rule is made to be broken.

How to warm up your relationship skills:

Instead of seeing asking for help as an inability to do something, think of it as problem solving. At the core of it, someone asks for help when they identify a problem that someone else would be able to solve better than them.
Why are we so hesitant to ask for help? Asking for help is simply being wise enough to see a weak area in your life and smart enough to find someone to provide the solution.
We live in a culture that teaches us that responsible adults are self-sufficient. In our attempts to live well, we inadvertently isolate ourselves. We spend our lives increasingly resource wealthy and relationship poor.
Because we are task-oriented people, we often make the mistake of seeing those in front of us as another transaction. But they are not. People are not transactions.
Refuse to live the lie that the only relationships worth fostering are the ones who will help you achieve your goals. We’re meant for more than that.

About the guest writer: Shannon Everswick Lagan is a freelance writer who wants to prompt readers to think from a new angle. Formerly a meeting and conference planning professional, Shannon brings her organizational skills to her new role as Chief Operating Officer of her family. She manages three very young, high potential individuals, along with the co-founder of her family, her husband and partner, Joel Lagan. Born in Zimbabwe, Africa and educated in the United States, Shannon shares her worldly experiences and insights through her writing and interactions with people.

To connect with Shannon, send her a LinkedIn invitation .

Read another great article by Shannon Everswick Lagan

Be Visible, Valuable And Available (2 of 6)

Thu, 12 Apr 2018 20:04:08 GMT

Last week, I sat down for coffee and networking with Rich Bradshaw , a senior executive of United Community Bank. I believe that this meeting never would have happened if it hadn’t been for the introduction made by our mutual friend Joanna. (See my prior blog post of why you should lend and borrow your social capital often. ) Mr. Bradshaw clearly is a master connector himself, so I took the opportunity to interview him for the second installment in my six-part series of relationship-based networking principles.

Networking Core Principle #2: Be Visible, Valuable, and Available

This principle is so easy to say, and so challenging to do on a consistent basis. Why? Because most people lead crazy, busy lives. Networking takes time and effort. And then there’s the social anxiety factor of networking. Even the most extroverted person can feel shy or reluctant while attending large social gatherings.

My goal with this blog post is to break things down into easy, practical, and safe steps that anyone can take to increase their networking confidence and results. I will use actions and suggestions from Rich Bradshaw to shine light on this second core principle of relationship-based networking. And while you may not be a senior executive of a successful regional bank like Rich Bradshaw, there is no reason that I can think of as to why you shouldn’t try some of the things he does to grow his networking influence.

Be Visible

When I asked Rich how he maintains his visibility with his network and in his community, he told me that he had attended a fundraising gala for an arts council the prior night. His company, United Community Bank, was one of the event sponsors. As such, Rich was able to invite a few of his valued clients and colleagues to join him at this event as his guest. Rich told me that this fundraising event attracts the “Who’s Who of Influencers” within the business community. For example, Rich ran into the mayor of Greenville SC, Mr. Knox White. Knox said to Rich, “Your name has come up twice this week.” (Note: once from me when I had coffee with the mayor and mentioned that I’d be meeting next with Rich Bradshaw in two days).

Lessons learned:

Go to fundraising events. Buy a ticket, dress up, and show up, even if it’s a financial stretch or you feel uncomfortable going. If the company you work for is sponsoring the event, ask to go to the event and to use one of the sponsor tickets. Be sure to mix and mingle at the event, don’t just hang out with your colleagues.
Tell people who you are networking with next. I don’t say this for name-dropping purposes, but rather to find out who knows who in your network. The mention could serve as a catalyst to build other people’s visibility, connections, and name recognition.

Be Valuable

When I asked Rich what he does on a regular basis to be valuable to the people in his network, he told me about what his bank does to excel in the area of service. After listening for a while, I reframed the question to ask how he personally adds value to the people in his network: his colleagues, clients, friends, neighbors, and strangers.

Rich told me that he was a very good recruiter. He often finds himself helping connected talented people into new, exciting positions of responsibility and opportunity. He told me that he also loves to sell and to help the selling process. He also strives to add value to his clients’ and colleagues’ lives by making prompt decisions. “I believe it is important to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ fast, and not to drag things out.”

Rich also shared a few stories of how he adds value to the colleagues in his network by sharing lessons learned, both his personal life lessons and other people’s lessons that have been passed on to him. For example, he passed on the insight of “never take away opportunities if you want to stay in partnership with people.” He learned this lesson by observing a leader at another company make a mistake with the sales team.

Then there is the more practical and immediate value-add such as recommending a good plumber, landscaper, or mechanic. When Rich found out that my husband was in the property management business, he offered to connect him with his wife who is a real estate agent. He suggested this connection not because she might have a property he could buy, but because she had an incredible list of professionals in the trades that she has used with confidence for years. He then told me about “The Plumber” – a gentleman who has worked on Rich’s personal home with great care and competence. Rich pulled out his smartphone and shared The Plumbers’ phone and email with me. He said I could use his name when calling. When I got home, I shared this contact information with my husband. Ironically, the very next day, one of the properties that my husband manages had an unexpected plumbing issue. Guess who we called?

Lessons learned:

Share your wisdom, insights, and ideas. When you meet people in networking situations, be open to listening, learning, and exchanging ideas. Even if you are years younger than the person you are networking with, your life experience and unique perspective can enrich someone’s day, week, month, or life. What comes natural and easy to you is likely to be the “secret sauce” of adding value to someone else’s life.
Find out what people need. Don’t spend the entire networking meeting “pitching” or “selling.” Get to know the person you are meeting with. Find out about their personal and professional life. Who is important to them inside and outside of work? Your value-add may not be directed to the person you are immediately networking with, but rather with someone in their network. A question that I like to ask is “How can I help you or someone in your network?”
Make referrals and recommendations. This is such an easy way to be valuable. If you trust someone who has done excellent work for you personally or professionally, don’t keep it to yourself. Enthusiastically share that valuable resource with others in your network. Not only will you be creating value in the lives of your contacts, but you’ll be helping to build the business of others.

Be Available

Rich Bradshaw didn’t have to tell me about this aspect, he demonstrated it by showing up to meet with me at a local coffee house. He made himself available not to a stranger, but to a friend-of-a-friend. He carved out 45 minutes of his busy day and took a risk on me. And I did the same for him. Rich did ask me how I manage to stay on top of a growing network. It’s difficult, especially with all the social media channels now available.

I reminded Rich that while you want to always be connecting (the ABC of networking and the sixth core principle in relationship–based networking), it is important to put extra investment and attention to the relationships that are most significant to you. I encourage my clients to identify their Top 50 Contacts. Once identified, you need to touch base with these key people on a regular basis. I recommend every six weeks of so. I write about this strategy of targeted networking in my book, Networking Ahead 3rd edition.

I also shared with Rich a creative tool that I use to keep me networking and touching base with the important relationships in my business and life. It involves the metaphor of planting seeds, but instead of seeds, you move M&M candies. I wrote about it in a blog post called You Can Always Take Smaller Steps . I can’t take credit for creating this super fun accountability device. I give full credit to my business coach and friend, Mark LeBlanc – business development coach, author, and professional speaker. Mark has a remarkable capability of creating focus and discipline while having fun growing your business.

Lessons learned:

Take time to meet with new people each week. Even if you have a very demanding job and life schedule, you can always find time and opportunities to meet new people. You can do it in person, at work, online, over the telephone, at meetings, in airports, through introductions from friends. Anywhere people gather, there is opportunity to connect. Don’t make it a laborious process. Make it easy, fun, energizing, and rewarding. This way, you’ll do more of it, more often.
Prioritize the most important people in your network. Networking is not just about accumulating new contacts, likes, or friends. It’s about building productive, meaningful relationships over time. Don’t ignore the people already in your network. Make sure your networking investment strategy is solid with the people that matter most to you. Stay in touch!
Be disciplined and reach out every day. Plant at least 3 seeds every day by reaching out in some form or fashion to people in your network. Get creative and find a way to make this easy and natural for you. Develop the discipline. Make it a habit. This will put you on the path to becoming a master connector and a motivated networker!

How can you be more valuable, visible, and available to grow your network?

Lend And Borrow Your Social Capital (1 of 6)

Thu, 29 Mar 2018 19:49:38 GMT

I am embarking on a six-part blog series on effective networking. I will share stories, tips, mistakes, and insights that will hopefully get you thinking differently about networking. I believe that networking is not merely an event or activity, but a strategy for a successful life. Networking can help you advance your career (and that of others), grow your business (and that of others), and change the world for the good (and that can affect others in very big and lasting ways!).

The key to effective networking is to practice what I call “relationship-based networking.” This approach produces deeper, longer lasting connections that produce more results. It is the opposite approach to “transactional-based networking” – when people try to sell you something at the first meeting, and when you don’t buy, they blow you off and look for the next warm bodied prospect.
Practicing “relationship-based networking” requires patience, faith, curiosity, and generosity. You must suspend your urge to “do the deal” or “make the sale” or “land the job” and replace that feeling with a desire to get to know people and to be of service to them. By doing so, you will be building relationship equity over time. And in time, this relationship may yield value beyond your wildest dreams.

How can you make that happen?
You start by practicing the 6 core principles of relationship-based networking.'

Core Principle #1 – Lend and borrow your social capital often

Let’s start with what social capital is and how it works. Wikipedia has a nice explanation of social capital:

“Social capital is a form of economic and cultural capital in which social networks are central; transactions are marked by reciprocity, trust, and cooperation; and market agents produce goods and services not mainly for themselves, but for a common good. The term generally refers to (a) resources, and the value of these resources, both tangible (public spaces, private property) and intangible (actors, human capital, people), (b) the relationships among these resources, and (c) the impact that these relationships have on the resources involved in each relationship, and on larger groups. It is generally seen as a form of capital that produces public goods for a common good.” Read more.

I think of social capital like money (or financial capital). If you hoard it and keep it to yourself and never risk it or invest it, your money doesn’t grow, it stays stagnant (actually its value decreases, similar to your buying power being reduced due to inflation). But if you risk some of it by investing in the stock market, or other investment vehicles, your net worth can grow quite nicely over time. The same is true with your social capital. If you lend and borrow your social capital, you will leverage its value. Your social net worth and social value can grow. Of course, you need to do that wisely.

Examples of this principle in practice

Here are a few examples of how I loaned and borrowed social capital as part of my networking practice. Note: the names of individuals and organizations have been masked to protect their privacy.

LEND: A good friend contacted me to see if I would speak again at her annual fundraiser for her nonprofit organization. Unfortunately, I was already booked on the date, but I vowed to help think of someone who might make a good successor. I discussed it with my husband who had been at the event the previous year with me. I reached out to another philanthropist friend to pick her brain about speakers we could suggest. Then someone from my client network came to mind. This individual was not a professional speaker, but rather a graduate of one of my two-day executive presentation skills classes. I admired her for her tremendous energy, passion, and stature. Through a series of phone calls floating the “match” with both parties, I was able to make the connection. This “networking experiment” is still in motion, but I hold high hopes that this will work out wonderfully. Net impact: My nonprofit friend gets a fabulous speaker for her event who can help her raise tons of money for their upcoming service projects; and my client gets to expand her speaking experience by being featured as a platform keynote speaker. I am delighted with the potential return on investment from this social capital exchange!

BORROW: I featured a client’s story with her permission in my newest book, Networking Ahead 3rd Edition. I sent her a signed copy of the book with my thanks. She then sent me an email to tell me that she had a good friend who lived in my new town in South Carolina. She offered to introduce us. Interestingly, this new connection used to live in the same town in Connecticut that I did, and he works in the banking industry – a sector that I serve in my business of talent development and skills training. She fulfilled her offer to connect us with a nice email introduction. I acted on her introduction with both an email reply and a LinkedIn invitation. We now have a date on the calendar to get together for coffee. My network in my new community is expanding!

LEND: I got an incredible referral from a client to do a speaking engagement in South America. I was crushed to see my calendar already had a booking on that date. I was unavailable. But I offered to help find and recommend alternative speakers who could meet the client’s event needs. After a few phone calls and emails, I reached one of my dear friends whom I roomed with at national speaker’s conventions in the past. She was so excited about this opportunity. I sensed it came at a very good time in her business. I trust that she will do an outstanding job for my client. I also know that my client feels grateful to me for helping her in a pinch. You earn networking points even when you give the business opportunity away.

LEND and BORROW: I got a message on LinkedIn from a professional associate whom I had met in networking some eight years ago. I had helped her during the forming and storming of her consultancy practice. She never forgot that, but I was surprised and delighted to get her LinkedIn inquiry asking if I was available to do presentation coaching for one of her core clients. She did the most amazing networking introduction by email and within a day I was speaking with a high level executive at a company that I didn’t have on my radar screen. Because of the referral I was already positioned well as a trusted and qualified resource to do the executive coaching assignment. Upon hearing more about the specific needs of the coaching assignment, I thought of another colleague who might make a good fit and should be considered. While I was definitely interested in this assignment, I know how important it is to have a “good fit” between coach and coachee. So I confidently offered to make the introduction to my strategic friend who also does executive coaching. This allowed me to get back in touch with her and invest in our relationship to keep it alive and growing. Whoever wins this assignment will be happy; but I will be happy knowing that my social capital has been strengthened and that I have helped other people be successful.

How can you leverage your social capital to grow the value of your network?

It’s easier to do than you think. But it does require a shift in your mindset from “scarcity” (there’s not enough to go around, so I better take all that I can) to “abundance” (there is plenty to go around and opportunity grows with networking activity that generates positive Karma). It also helps if you can shift from a “competitive approach” to a “collaborative approach.” It’s never all about you. You will have more and greater opportunities if you make it all about “us.” Networking is how we leverage the “us” opportunties.

Taking The Leap - The Castle Moment

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Mon, 27 Feb 2017 15:36:18 GMT

I love action. Action films. Action heroes (and heroines). Action plans. Taking action. If it entails action, I’m in. I love doing stuff. It energizes me. It gives me the feeling of moving forward with my life.

But when it comes to activating big changes, things start to slow down. That makes sense because the risks are greater, the implications can be more profound, and often there are many more options to consider. On big changes, it is a good idea to reflect, analyze, compare, plan, discuss, and sleep on it for a while before deciding to take action.

We had a yearning. Four years ago, my husband Byron and I decided that we were ready to make a big move. It was time to relocate to a new area; time to begin a new adventure in our lives. My extended family relocated to the Atlanta, Georgia area five years ago. Since then nearly every phone call with my family has included a question about when we plan to move closer to them.

We started dreaming, and thinking, and playing with the idea. We pulled tear sheets out of magazines of house styles we might like to live in next time. We did web site searches on cities and communities in the USA (although we did also dream of moving to places outside of the US). We considered cost of living, weather, business community, economic development trends, taxation, arts and entertainment, the higher education scene, diversity of people, food and culture, social justice and racial tolerance, local politics, crime rates, clean water and air, proximity to good airports, and access to organic foods and farms. You know, the usual considerations.

We began driving. After we narrowed down the list to a few cities, we took short trips to check them out. We arranged to work with a local real estate agent to get a sense of the housing market. We talked to strangers. Visited local parks. Got a sense of the place and whether we would fit in. Some cities quickly fell off the list for one reason or the other. It started to feel like this was going to be a long process.

We got lucky. While making our way from Charlotte, NC after a house-hunting trip, we took a southern route on the way to visit my parents near Atlanta. There was just one more house we wanted to check out. We never did find the address, but we did make our way through Greenville, South Carolina. We stopped for a bite to eat, and walked around. We had never heard of Greenville, SC – didn’t know it existed. And then, we were instantly in love. The city was clean and beautiful. Tons of people were walking on the main street which was full of vibrant shops and restaurants and offices. The local water features, outdoor sculptures, and public parks were simply breathtaking. What was this place and why had we never heard of it? Suddenly Greenville, SC made it on the short list – a possible place for our big new adventure.

When we got home to Connecticut, I was all ready to put the “For Sale” sign on my front lawn. “Let’s sell this house and move to Greenville….now,” I suggested to my husband. After calming me down, he explained why such bold and immediate action was not a good idea. He said that things had to be done in a certain order. I was reminded of the yin-yang of our personalities. My approach has always been “go and get,” while his is usually “wait and see.” After 23 years of togetherness, I’ve learned a thing or two about patience and waiting for what you want. Still, I was energized by our new “decision” that Greenville SC was our relocation destination. One big decision made. The rest is just, well…details.

Once a decision has been made, I like to act on that decision. So you can imagine how frustrated I was when months and months went by without taking any action. We were there in our minds, but still here in our bodies. With each season that passed (winter, spring, summer, fall, and then winter again and so on), I started to wonder if this would ever happen.

Can a professional conference really change your life?

Then an unexpectedly motivating thing happened that kicked us into gear. I attended the 2016 Whatever It Takes Conference hosted by my business coach Mark LeBlanc and his business partner and my publisher, Henry DeVries of Indie Books International . I have attended this wonderful private conference for the past 3 years. Mark and Henry hold it in the upscale seaside town of La Jolla, California. It is an inspiring place to be, especially in the month of November when the summer tourism season has tapered off.

At the 2016 conference, one of the participants was the amazing professional speaker, leadership expert, and mountain climbing enthusiast, Manley Feinberg of VerticalLessons.com. Mark invited Manley to give a short speech packed with action, inspiration, fun, and motivation. The man is gifted. He’s the real deal. I’m honored to know him and to be his professional colleague.

On the final day of the conference, Manley challenged each of us at the end of the conference to “declare your current climb.” After thinking about the business goals I could set, I decided to be bold and declare my relocation to Greenville to be my “current climb” – the goal I wanted to accomplish in the next 9-12 months. Conference host Mark LeBlanc then directed each person to send him our “action plan” in the next 48 hours, outlining the steps to be taken, and milestones to be reached in pursuit of our current climb vista. (See the excerpt from my Action Plan written in Nov 2016. Explains WHY this goal is important to me: What’s Your Word for the Year? )

I took a firm hold of this accountability challenge and developed a 3-month, 6-month, 9-month action plan in tandem with my husband. I emailed the plan to Mark within the 48 hour window. More importantly, I keep the written action plan visible in my office, and I added the milestones to my online calendar. If you want something badly enough, you have to hold your feet to the fire. Accountability is powerful!

The Castle Moment

Still, we were not ready to put a “For Sale” sign on our front yard. But we were getting closer. We became internet home searching junkies. Zillow, Trulia, Realtor.com, working with our agent on the telephone and via email and text. I saw so many houses and property options, I was starting to go a little crazy. It was zapping my energy. So we planned another trip to Greenville, to drive the neighborhoods and get a sense of where we’d be interested in living within the Greenville County area.

When we arrived at the office of our realtor, the amazing Jennifer Simms, there was an image of a very large home on the very large flat screen TV in her conference room. In fact, the home looked very much like a castle. My first thought was “Is she crazy? We said ‘downsize,’ not upsize to a castle.” Turns out the castle property was not intended for us, but for the client whom she met with before us. The castle was a ten-year old property that unfortunately had fallen into foreclosure. The bank was trying to sell it for $385K (original cost to build the house was approximately one million dollars). That’s a pretty good price for a castle, I thought.

After we left Jennifer’s office, my husband and I couldn’t stop talking about the castle. We joked about it, dreamed about it, and came up with different ideas of repurposing the castle. For example, it could be turned into a Bed & Breakfast, or a Business Conference Center, or maybe an Artist Community or School; or maybe even a drug rehab center for the rich and famous. The possibilities were endless.

Then we got curious. We wanted to see the inside of the castle, we wanted to walk the property. We wanted to know more about this “home.” I told my husband that living in a castle was not currently on my Bucket List, but I could add that item pretty easily. This was starting to become a serious consideration. Home Sweet Castle. It could possibly work, I thought.

Unfortunately, we were headed back to Connecticut the next morning and were not able to get an appointment with one of the bank-appointed agents who would show the property. That was a bummer…but we were able to walk around the grounds and garden. It was on a hill-top surrounded by ten acres, very close to our very favorite little town north of Greenville. We were enamored. We talked about the castle during the entire drive home – which took 14 hours!

On that long drive home, we made several phone calls. We connected with a mortgage broker and expedited the process of getting pre-qualified for a loan to put an offer on the castle. Yes- we were serious. It was crazy. It happened so fast. We started to really want that little castle.

Thankfully, we came to our senses after we saw the inspection report. This poor neglected castle property had taken a beating in the years of its owner’s financial hardship. Living in that castle was going to cost a lot more money. That would not work for us.

But we were now in motion to purchase a home in Greenville SC. We had lined up the resources and approvals, and were ready to make an offer on something…… when we found what we wanted. Within two weeks, my husband found an adorable two-year old craftsman style home for sale by owner, within walking distance to the town we adored. Because of our “castle moment” we were ready to act. And act we did.

It’s actually happening…

As I write this very long blog entry (I hope I’m not boring you with too much detail), there is a Sale Pending sign on the front yard of my home in Connecticut. If all goes well, our house will close on August 31 of this year and we will officially move to Greenville, SC. I’m busy decluttering, donating items to charity, giving things away on FreeCycle.org. In fact, we are calling this phase “The Great American Give-Away.” Because our new house is considerably smaller than our current house and property, we get to downsize our living style. We cannot take all of our “stuff.” And that feels so empowering.

I’m still working…

People ask me if I’m retiring. Heavens no, I tell them. I love my job way too much to stop working at it. I have reassured my Connecticut-based clients that I will continue to serve them. I’ll be coming back to Connecticut several times in the fourth quarter. Thankfully airports and technology enable small businesses to work with clients all over the US and world!

What’s the point of this story?

When you combine the imagination of Walt Disney, “If you can dream it, you can do it,” with the practical genius of Albert Einstein “Nothing happens until something moves,” you can make great things happen in your career, business, and life.

If you think you might like a change in your life, start dreaming about it now. Create a vision board or dream book.
When you determine what that dream looks like, set your goals. Declare it as your current climb.
Create a plan of action for your current climb. Outline specific milestones along the way. Break down the big actions into little actions. Baby steps are still steps forward, however small and awkward they might feel at the time.. Find an accountability partner (family member, business coach, or friend).

I encourage you to take the leap forward that you’ve been dreaming about in your life.

Put your dreams into action. Put your decisions into motion. Begin today…

You Can Always Take Smaller Steps

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 15:55:10 GMT

If you pay closer attention, you’ll find insight and inspiration everywhere you go. As a blogger, I’m always on the look-out for interesting people and ideas. Sometimes my topics come to me simply by driving to a friend’s house for dinner, or while networking with cool people ( read my blog on Scope Creep highlighting expert Gail Kulas ). Other times, I am gifted by serendipity, as I was this week while taking ballroom dancing classes. My husband and I signed up for a series of dancing lessons from the Fred Astaire Dance Studio in Canton, CT . At this studio, owned by our friends, Erik and Eva Barckmann, we have enjoyed learning how to dance, and learning to overcome our dance anxiety, and my “need to lead.” In fact, I have new respect for the importance of following, not just leading.

Our instructor Becky Milan-Vega is a blast to work with. Becky is originally from England, where she has been ballroom dancing since the age of 3. She and her brother Ben hold the title of British Champion in Ballroom Dancing, and have represented Britain in many international competitions all over the world including 5 European and World Championships. She has also appeared on the infamous TV show Britain’s Got Talent where she reached the Live Semi-Finals.

During a recent private dance lesson with Becky, she gave us this little bit of advice, “ You can always take smaller steps. ” In fact, she said it’s a good idea in dance to take smaller steps, because it gives you more balance and control. You are less likely to get out of whack with your partner. Smaller steps means less strain and exhaustion. Makes sense doesn’t it?

So I got to thinking about taking smaller steps in business and career. Most people I know, including myself, like to make big leaps and bounds in their work. We expect great things from ourselves… on a daily basis. And when we can’t live up to those expectations, we often stop trying. We become discouraged and disappointed by our lack of progress. We lose our motivation. Our momentum stalls. Our potential begins to fade.

What would happen if we took smaller steps- baby steps- on a daily basis?

If you are in a job search, take smaller steps. Rather than sitting behind the computer all day applying for jobs online, why not network with three contacts each day? You could call them, email them, text them, send them a LinkedIn message, or have coffee or lunch with them. Just three a day, every day, five days a week.
If you are running a business, take a baby step to call a current client, an inactive client or a new prospect each day. Just one per day. Plant a seed with them, share something with them, offer insight, listen, or just reach out to connect and say hello. You do not need to be sending out huge proposals. Just make contact. It’s a baby step, but if you do this every day, 365 days a year, your business will be picking up steam and growing.
If you are team leader, take a baby step to thank one member of your team each day. Repeat that baby step each day for five days a week, 4 weeks a month, 52 weeks a year? It could be in person, by leaving a voice mail message, leaving a post-it note on their desk, or texting them. Showing gratitude and recognizing the work of others is a very motivating force, and makes both parties – giver and receiver – happy.
If you are giving a presentation, suggest to your audience that they take the next logical baby step based upon your information and recommendation. Don’t expect them to change everything, just take a small action that points them in the right direction. Success with a baby step builds confidence, and encourages more of the same.

I know that this smaller-steps strategy works because I’ve been practicing it for the past year. Working with my business coach Mark LeBlanc, I’ve been planting three seeds a day for sometime now. He calls it the Storm Starter Strategy. It’s powerful. But there have been times when I have slipped up in the daily execution of this best practice. To help me and his other clients, Mark gave us a most unusual gift at a recent “Whatever It Takes” conference in La Jolla, California this past November. He gave each of us a pill box. But instead of medication, he put three M&M candies in each of the AM pill slots. Here is a photo of my motivating pill box:

My job is to move the three M&M’s from the AM slot to the PM slot before the end of the day. Each move is at the conclusion of making one of three “high value marketing activities.” This could include reaching out to current clients, or inactive clients who haven’t heard from me in a while, touching base with existing prospects, facilitating a networking introduction. I could do this using the telephone, social media, email, texting, sending a card in the mail, sending a copy of my new book, Stop Global Boring, having lunch or coffee (in person or virtually). The choice of how I communicate and connect is up to me. Doesn’t matter how, it’s only important that I reach out to three a day. Planting three seeds a day – that’s the magic formula. Sounds like a baby step to me.

I’ve been having a blast with this tool. It sits on my desk as a visual reminder that I only need to take these three small steps every day to grow my business. I can do this. And when I do, good things happen. My business grows, my confidence climbs, my fun-meter is on high. And at the end of the week, when I have moved all the M&M’s to the PM slide of the pill box, I get to EAT THEM. Now, that’s motivating!

Beware Scope Creep!

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 14:45:26 GMT

I was thinking about what costume I would wear for this year’s Halloween holiday when a clever idea came to me. Scope Creep – you know that really terrifying boogie monster that wreaks havoc on so many teams and organizations in Corporate America and around the world? It’s the little monster that lies dormant in our meetings and project teams just waiting to trick us into thinking that if we do more, take on more, expand the project, increase the budget, that it will actually be somehow good for us. And we fall for it nearly every time.

Sadly, this monster doesn’t just come out once a year at Halloween time. It shows its ugly face every day. It tries to lure us into its own dark place….Scope Creep Cave…from which there is no return.

What can we do about this scary situation? To answer that question, I turned to a friend and former client, Gail Kulas. I met Gail while teaching presentation training classes at the LEGO® Group. She was leading their Business Excellence team of consultants who were tasked with driving continuous improvement for this fast growing, creative giant and leader in the toy industry. Gail recently became an entrepreneur and has launched her own business, Leading to Unlock , LLC. Her consulting company specializes in team building and she provides her clients with distinctive communication and problem solving sessions, and creative learning methods to help build sustainable capabilities within their organization.

I think you will enjoy reading Gail’s solution to Scope Creep.

The Scope Creep: How to keep him out of your project
by Gail Kulas, Leading to Unlock LLC

It’s the eve of Halloween and you’ve just been assigned a new project – “To increase product sales.” You have a vision of a past project where The Scope Creep took hold and you can feel him trying to grab hold of this project too. You have a box full of tools to help drive him off. You select five to prevent him from taking hold in the first place, because you know the havoc he can cause the project if he is not thwarted immediately.

Warding off The Scope Creep :

Create the Project Charter. The charter is the perfect tool to clearly outline the project scope, expected outcomes, timeline, resources, roles, and budget. It is the contract with the sponsor and roadmap for the project.
Define Project Outcomes. Clearly defined outcomes are the basis for developing the meat of the charter. For example, “increase product sales” is too vague. A clear outcome such as “Increase the ‘widget product line’ by 20% and deliver benefits within 6 months”, is much more precise. It clearly articulates the deliverable and significantly narrows the scope of the project.
Define Roles & Responsibilities. Defining the roles & responsibilities are essential components for team identity, ownership, communication and collaboration. Take the time to outline every role in the project and the responsibilities each position entails. For example:

Sponsor – responsible for the project success, outcomes, budgets, resources;
Project Manager – accountable for executing project plan;
Subject Matter Experts (SME) – team members who have specific knowledge and process inputs for the project
Decision Maker – person who has ultimate ‘veto’ power if project team is unable to make a decision

Define Project Processes & Procedures. These are the guiding principles for the team. They outline escalation processes, decision making procedures, communication plans, and change management guidelines.
Communicate & Celebrate! The development and execution of a comprehensive communication strategy builds trust and ownership within the organization. The execution plan should include communications on project progress and the incremental successes and should be communicated at all levels of the organization consistently and timely. This will help the project team identify resistance, mitigate change impacts and celebrate the team members for their contributions to the project.

Keep The Scope Creep Underground

Keep The Scope Creep underground by using a project charter, clearly define outcomes, roles & responsibilities, processes and procedures. Remember to communicate and celebrate success with your project team members, sponsor and the organization.

About the Author: Gail Kulas is the Founder & CEO of Leading to Unlock LLC, a woman owned consulting firm in CT which offers playful, fun and creative ways to creatively unlock people’s potential within organizations. Gail holds two master degrees, is a coach and mentor, and an adjunct professor at Bay Path University.

Visit www.LeadingtoUnlock.com for additional information and upcoming events.

Stop Interrupting

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Mon, 10 Oct 2016 20:22:28 GMT

INTERRUPTING: Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Is it a communication misdemeanor, or a clever strategy to dominate the conversation? Does it foster productive conversations, or does it lead to arguments, distrust, and disrespect?
We’ve certainly seen a lot of interrupting lately in the Presidential debate series. The Vice Presidential debate held on October 4th was also one big interrupt-fest. There were several moments during the VP debate when all three participants–Republican Mike Pence, Democrat Tim Kaine, and the moderator Elaine Quijano–were talking at the same time, each attempting to wrest control of the conversation. Time magazine posted an online article after counting the number of interruptions. Here’s what they had to say

“Counting the interruptions is the break-out spectator sport of 2016 debate coverage, and the scores are all over the place. ABC’s Ryan Struyk counted 70 times when Kaine interrupted Pence, compared to 40 times that Pence interrupted Kaine. The site FiveThirtyEight came up with slightly higher figures for both. It is probably safe to say that most viewers came away with the impression that Kaine was more apt to butt in on his opponent than the other way around. Curiously, our analysis, which relies on the Congressional Quarterly transcript of the debate, actually came up with a higher count for Pence than Kaine, including times that either candidate interrupted the moderator.” ( source )

Why do people interrupt each other so much?

I’ve asked this question to a number of people. A common response was “because we are afraid that we’ll forget something.” Kind of a “say it before you forget it” strategy for short-term memory loss.

Depending on the situation, there may be any number of reasons why people interrupt others:

Accuracy – need to correct misinformation before it’s adopted as truth
Clarity – some people don’t get to the point and ramble on for too long
Power – some people feel a need to dominate the conversation
Narcissism – some people love the sound of their own voices
Personality – some people “talk out loud,” and find it energizing to talk over people
Safety – averting disaster (as in, “honey – look out for that car…”)
Poor listening skills – see below

Listening with a busy mind

When we listen with a busy mind, we allow ourselves to become distracted by our own thoughts instead of focusing on the person who is speaking. Here’s what can happen when you listen with a busy mind:

Popping Corn: you’re so preoccupied that your thoughts jump around like popping corn kernels.
That Reminds Me: You come in with a story of your own, instead of maintaining your focus on the other person.
Preparing Your Case: You’re mentally preparing your argument against what the other person is saying.
Sampling: You tune in only to information that applies to you or that you can use, and ignore the rest

How often in your business meetings, team meetings, or home conversations do these types of “listening” happen?

Building Productive Relationships This is my new communication skills program that I will be offering. In this program, listening is addressed as a leadership skill. Created by The Performance Architect, Leesa Wallace, this class addresses the problems of ineffective listening, and how it routinely damages working relationships, and exacerbates conflicts at work and at home. Leesa refers to Level 1 listening as “pretending to listen,” while waiting for your turn to talk. Interrupting happens when people get tired of waiting and can’t help but assert themselves verbally. In fact, most people aren’t really listening, they are simply waiting for their turn to talk.

Are you a chronic interrupter?

Barbara Pachter - BOOK COVER on business etiquetteI consulted the expertise of Barbara Pachter, internationally renowned business etiquette and communications expert. Barbara has written a number of excellent books. Here’s an excerpt from her book – The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat and Tweet Your Way to Success (used with permission)

Do you catch yourself mouthing the words you think the other person in the conversation is going to say? Do you finish the speaker’s words just to move the conversation along?

If you answered yes to either of these questions, you may be an interrupter.

People don’t like to be interrupted. Nor do they like to be excluded from a conversation, or to have their contributions ignored. Your credibility may be hurt if you respond rudely when someone interrupts you. There are five options to try if you are interrupted – that is, if you are sure that you aren’t a conversation hog.

1. Let it go
2. Continue speaking
3. Say something
4. Wait until the interrupter has finished speaking, then continue
5. Confront the person privately

If you see something, say something.

It takes discipline to stop interrupting. For some people, interrupting has become part of their communication style. And that’s a bad thing. It may take an intervention to help them to become aware of their bad habit. They may need help understanding how it is damaging their relationships, getting in the way of productive work, and corroding the culture of the team or organization.

Don’t allow rude interruptions to be tolerated in your team meetings. Call it out when you see it. Phrases such as, “Let her finish her thoughts.” or “Enough interruptions already.” Or “Can you hold your comments until I am finished, please.” Or “Your interruptions are not helpful, please stop.” Or simply,”Stop.”

What we are seeing in the Presidential Debate series is not the model of communication and civility that we want to replicate in our work places. It’s time to put a stop to the interruptions.

Stand Up And Ask More Questions

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Sat, 06 Aug 2016 20:32:29 GMT

It takes courage to ask a question in a public forum. Whether it’s at a large conference, a town hall meeting, a classroom, or a business presentation, it takes guts to ask a question in a public forum. But asking questions is what turns the presentation from a lecture into a meaningful conversation. Questions make presentations much more engaging. The audience can add significant value to any public presentation….but only if audience members are willing to engage, and to stick their necks out and ask questions of the speakers.

I learned this important lesson while attending the Women’s Day event at the Travelers Championship golf tournament. And that lesson is “Stand up if you want to be seen and heard.” And I mean, literally, stand up. Have the courage to get up out of your chair and ask your question. And for bonus points, say your name before you ask your question.

Easy to say, harder to do. Truth be told I did none of these smart things while attending the Women’s Day event. It was a lot easier to find a seat and settle in quietly. I did find the courage to ask a question during the Q&A session. I bravely raised my hand high and waited to be acknowledged. I waited patiently until they passed the microphone to me, slowly making its way down the row to my seat. Then I asked a question that I really did want to hear the answer to.

But it wasn’t until after the speaker answered my question that I realized I had made a big mistake. I had asked my question while staying seated. Why did I do that? Because no one else stood up when asking a question? Was it because I was afraid and didn’t want to stand out? Or was I concerned at a deep unconscious level that my question and I might not be good enough?

Can you find me in the crowd? I’m the one sitting down, safe and secure in my own chair, doing what they tell me to do. “Look at the camera, and SMILE.”

Remember why you showed up in the first place

I came to this event for reasons similar to those of many other motivated, professional women: to network, to be inspired, to be refreshed, to have fun, and to listen and learn from guest speakers, including renowned chef Ming Tsai, and Cynthia McFadden, senior legal and investigative correspondent for NBC News.

At one point during the panel discussion between Cynthnia McFadden and moderator Lisa Caputa, who serves as Executive Vice President and Chief Marketing and Communications Officer for The Travelers Companies, the topic of equal pay came up. Cynthia told a story of a time in her career when she was offered a news anchor position at a new TV station. When she learned that they were offering her exactly half the pay of what the outgoing male anchor was earning, she questioned her boss as to why this was the case. He told her matter-of-factly that she was getting less because she didn’t have a wife and child to support. Her predecessor did. The boss also told Cynthia that if she didn’t like it, she didn’t have to take the job.

What was Cynthia McFadden’s advice to me on the issue of Pay Inequity?

Raise your voice.
Vote.
Tell the media, if you are experiencing wage gap issues based on gender discrimination and are willing to let the media use your story to raise the issue in the news.
Advocate for yourself, and advocate for other women.

Stand up and insert your ideas into the discussion

While I’m not ready to go on TV about the issue of pay inequity, an issue that I care deeply about, I realized in this experience that there are subtle things that professional women and others can do to assert themselves and insert their ideas into important discussions.

We don’t have to remain quiet, afraid, polite, or stuck in our unconscious programming to be the “nice girl” or “nice guy.”

I encourage you (and me) to find the courage to ask more questions. And to do so in a way that allows us, as individuals, to be fully seen and heard by others.

Stand up to stand out.

How To Leverage Informational Interviews

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Wed, 01 Jun 2016 20:41:14 GMT

I’ll never forget the time in my early 20’s when I went on a journey of career exploration and fully leveraged the power of informational interviewing.

I had been working at Levi Strauss & Co in the advertising department. I wasn’t quite sure that was what I wanted to do for the rest of my work life. I came up with 5 different career paths that I might enjoy. Since I wasn’t sure what these different jobs might entail or require (or which I would like best), I elected to undertake a series of informational interviews with people actually doing those jobs.

Informational interviewing was the BEST thing I could have done at the time, and I had a blast doing it. I connected with great new people and learned what I needed to know to help me make a very important career decision. As a result of what I learned, I broadened my career path and took a job in brand management with Maybelline Cosmetics in Memphis, TN. There I met CEO Gary Mulloy who became a key figure in the next 20 years of my career.

Informational interviewing quite literally changed the course of my life.

What is an informational interview?

An informational interview is not a job interview. Rather, it’s an interview with an individual working in a career you would like to learn more about.

You’re attempting to discover what the person’s job is like, what they do, what responsibilities they have, and what it’s like to work in their job at their company.

An informational interview involves talking with people who are currently working in the field to gain a better understanding of an occupation or industry — and to build a network of contacts in that field.

While the pressure is significantly less in an informational interview than a formal interview, you still must bring your “A” game.

Check out this well-written article about the 3 Rules for Effectively Informational Interviewing by Lisa Adams, founder of Fresh Air Careers.

How to get an informational interview

Chris Harvey is a retired Lieutenant Colonel of the US Army who successfully launched her civilian career as project manager for a UTC company. She and I met at the 2009 Business Women’s Conference in Hartford, CT and quickly became networking buddies. When she landed her new job, I wanted to interview her for my next book covering the role of business networking in the job search process.

She told me that “ networking can get you informational interviews. ” That peaked my interest and I probed more. Chris shared with me her approach to getting quality informational interviews. Here are a few of her gems and jewels:

Don’t cold call, but rather leverage a personal connection to get you an informational interview with someone currently in a job or company that you are curious about.
Disarm them. Let them know that your motivation is simply to learn and to gain new information. You are not asking for a job.
Ask the person if they would be willing to have a cup of coffee with you or a telephone call;
When you meet up, you drive the conversation.
Ask questions like a journalist. Take notes. Demonstrate that what they are sharing with you is important to you.
Listen more than talk. Remember you are there to gather information, not to sell yourself.
Ask them if they would recommend anyone else you should speak to regarding this career path.
And, of course, thank them (in person at the meeting and in writing afterward).

Chris also reminded me that every informational interview is potentially a real interview, so it is best to be prepared. But keep your motivation and agenda in mind to ensure that you walk away with more information that you came in with.

With whom should you have an informational interview?

Since you are in the informational gathering stage, it is best to meet with people actually doing the jobs. Don’t go straight to the top and request an informational interview with the President/CEO. You are not ready for that. You don’t want to blow a major opportunity with a key decision maker.

You want to find someone who is actually doing the work that you might like to do. They are less likely to be in the hiring position, but that doesn’t matter. You are just gathering information and making new connections.

Warning: avoid interviewing with people who are totally unhappy in their jobs. They are less likely to give you quality, balanced information that you are seeking in your informational interviews.

What kind of questions should you ask?

This is where you must come prepared. Again, think like a journalist. What questions would you ask if you had to write a column/story following your meeting. Know what you want to learn.

I found this article on the About.com web site that lists 40 open-ended questions that you could ask .

Business librarian extraordinaire Jennifer Keohane emphasized the importance of asking the type questions that you can’t find the answers to on the Internet.

What to bring to your informational interview

Your best professional self, a notepad and pen, a long list of questions that you really want to know the answers to and your business card with full contact information.

You can have your updated resume with you, but do not present your resume UNLESS they ask for it. Remember, this is not a job interview; this is an informational interview.

You should also be prepared to quickly summarize who you are and what you are looking for. No clever elevator pitches – just a top line of where you are and what you might want to do in the future.

Please don’t tell your whole life story and don’t dominate the conversation with your career success stories. Again, you are here to gain useful information from them, not to sell yourself.

Remember to ask the Ultimate Question

Nancy Anton is the author of the soon-to-be-released book “Why You Really Didn’t Get That Job.” She recently told me a moving story that I felt was important to include when speaking about networking and informational interviewing.

A few years back Nancy was exploring new career possibilities. As part of her journey, Nancy was networking her heart out . She also had been doing tons of informational interviewing in order to learn more about different companies and career paths she might want to consider.

At the end of one informational interview, Nancy asked the all important question:
“What can I do for you?”

Nancy told him that she was on the “information highway” and had been meeting with tons of people recently. If there was anything she could look out for or help out with, she would be willing to do so. She was very grateful for his time and openness in sharing his experience, knowledge and perspective during their informational interview.

To her surprise the gentleman told her that his son had recently had a near-death experience and was saved by a man who had been a stranger at the time. He asked Nancy if she would network with this man to help him find a job. With delight, Nancy said “yes.” They exchanged telephone numbers and emails and arranged for a networking introduction.

Lastly, stay in touch

You may know I am a stickler for networking follow up. Everyone you meet can add value to your circle of influence if you make the effort to stay connected by staying in touch periodically. This key message was reinforced by business librarian Jennifer Keohane who shared her frustration with me when she grants informational interviews to others.

Put yourself in the advisory role. They too want to be helpful and know that they’ve been helpful. Let them know both by your thanks and also with your updates. Jennifer finds that LinkedIn is particularly useful for these kinds of periodic updates (note: direct messages to these advisors are best, vs. networking activity updates on your LinkedIn profile)

Practice both sides

You will need experience in both asking for and granting informational interviews over the course of your professional life. By doing so, you will experience the true value of the informational interview. We can all help each other by sharing the good, bad and ugly of our chosen career paths and current jobs.

The next time you get a request to do an informational interview, say YES. And I encourage you to reach out to someone this week to request an informational interview process. We all must stay vigilant about career management. You never know when you’ll need to or want to re-invent your career. Informational interviewing can play an important role in your future career direction. Make time for it.

Stop The Story

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 17:09:29 GMT

In the absence of information, we will often make up a story. This can be harmful when the featured star of your made-up story is you.

Consider this scenario: You see a job posting online and it seems to have been written just for you. You spend a few hours tweaking your resume and getting things just right. Then you hit the SUBMIT button, full of anticipation and hope. And then you wait. And wait and wait and wait. You hear nothing back. This is not the first time that this has happened. And even though your logical/rational mind tells you that this is “normal,” the emotional part of your brain begins to make up a story. The story line is a tragedy and you are the main character.

Stop the story.

This is not about you. No one is ignoring you. No one is judging you. It’s about the process of online resume submission. It’s impersonal and imperfect, but it remains important. A better alternate for your job search is to stop sitting in front of your computer…..get out there and network. Networking is the best, most proactive way to find your ideal next job.

How about this scenario: You are pitching a piece of new business with an existing client. They keep lowering the budget, yet asking for a higher level of service. You grow frustrated with the game of “send me a proposal” and then hearing nothing back for weeks. Your creative mind starts to fill out the story line. This client really doesn’t appreciate you. Perhaps this industry sector is not ideal for you. Maybe they don’t like you. And you know what, you are losing that loving feeling too. Why should you continue to waste your time with this client? Your resentment grows. But you wait because there still might be a possibility of doing business together. Should you reach out one more time? Can you get the magic back in this relationship like in the movie Hope Springs with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones?

Stop the story.

Pick up the telephone and reconnect. Invite them to lunch and make it your goal to reset the relationship. Find out what is really going on in their world. It’s not about you. There is likely something major happening in the business, or in their personal life. Perhaps a medical crisis that they haven’t told many people about.

On the other hand, while there may be some truth to the imaginings, you may simply have fallen out of favor with a key customer. But that doesn’t give you permission to write a fictional screen play based upon what you consider to be “true events.” Such a story will do you no good. It will prevent you from growing your business and career. It will dampen your existing relationships and limit the possibilities for all parties.

Stop the story.

I encourage you to recognize when you are beginning to fabricate a story in your own mind. Say the command to yourself – Stop the story . It will help snap you back into the present moment versus the imagined moment. It will help you wipe the page clean and to clear your mind. Now you can get on with the business of growing your organization and career… without all the drama.

Going Out Of Busy-ness

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Tue, 01 Sep 2015 16:23:11 GMT

Busy is a four letter word. I’m tired of being asked if I’m busy. And I’m even more frustrated with how often I use it as a throw-away response.

I have been wanting to write a blog on the topic of “busy” for many months now. In fact, I dedicated my New Year’s resolution to the practice of “Essentialism,” but I’ve been so busy, I just haven’t had a chance to….

Here come the excuses. The badge of busy. A compulsion to fill one’s calendar as it gives an illusion of importance. The thrill of exhaustion at the end of the day when you can list the incredible number of things you got done. The perfect reason why we can’t follow up as promised, we are just so darned busy! And then the resentment that we don’t have any time to ourselves. Or the guilt that we don’t spend enough time with the people that we love. Or the frustration that there just isn’t enough time in the day. Or the regret and self-disappointment that our dreams and goals remain untouched.

This is the price we pay for being super busy.

I finally found a thought-leader on the topic…

I’m delighted to feature my new friend, David Lindsay Adams, as our guest contributor this week. David is the son of my “favorite client” Richard (“Dick”) Adams, who passed away this summer from cancer. I got to know his son David through the memorial service for Dick. We recently had lunch together in Minneapolis, with his sister Beth and his mother Pat.

As David spoke about this work and his passion for productivity, efficiency and entrepreneurship, I knew he would be a very cool person to write an article challenging “busy-ness.” David has a great writing style and shares two very practical ideas to help us move beyond the limitations of busy. Enjoy his article.

Going Out of Busy-ness
by David Lindsay Adams

A tap on his shoulder….He heard a bubbly voice. “So good to see you! How are you these days? What are you up to?”

Thoughts raced through his mind. Should I really share how I am? Should I tell her I really just want to get home and see my wife and kids after a long day in the office? Should I tell her I’m here because I just want to check it off my list of things to do?

He manages: “Hey. Ah, ummm. I’m good. Just living the dream. Yeah. Busy. Crazy-zzzy busy doing all the things that I’m doing….”

She replies, “That’s great. It’s good to be busy, right? That’s what it’s all about, right? Good for you.”

Not so much. How many of you have had that conversation at one point in your career at a networking event or barbecue? Or worse, how many of you find yourself dragged into that “busy” conversation before you can say, “Stop the madness!” I used to. But not anymore.

I’d like to disrupt the conversation that so many of us have around “busy-ness.” Somewhere along the line, I think it happens to all of us in our careers and life. Somehow, we began equating being busy with being important, or with being successful. Somehow being busy became being up to things that are a big deal. It’s natural when you think about it – we somehow turned the word “business” itself into busy-ness.

What would it be like if we really took on being productive, or effective, or even fulfilled in our lives? I assert that altering this simple context from being “busy” – and everything we’ve made it mean – will shift how everything occurs in our lives. Shifting to being effective and productive can actually alter how we look at “work” itself. Work could actually become a place where we practice effectiveness and accomplishment versus just getting on to the next thing in our hectic day.

Addicted to busyness

Many of us have become so addicted to busy-ness that we don’t realize the impact on how we survive our schedule day to day. We don’t see how busy we are until are kids are grown and out of the house, or worse, when a loved one leaves our life….by choice or unexpectedly. Therefore, shifting the context of busy-ness in my life has become the number one priority to living a life of more freedom, ease and self-expression. I’ll share two practices with you. What can you add?

Two best practices

1. Eliminate BUSY from your vocabulary. If you say you are busy, then you become that. Not only do you become that, but everyone around you becomes that as well. Try a Busy Elimination Diet (BED) to circumvent the temptation to fall into the busy trap, practice using another word to describe what you’re up to. Replace the word “busy” with words and phrases like productive, effective, fulfilled, up to big things. Be mindful of what happens to not only you, but also to everyone around you:

A few years ago, a team at GE conducted an experiment. “We decided that, for an entire year , we would never use the word BUSY as an answer and to see if there were any changes in attitude and/or behaviour. Ours or Theirs. We noticed all right. Instantly. We were forced to describe our own situations with more clarity, and, without our best friend ‘busy’ to blame, we engaged with people more authentically. As we did, we noticed the general depth of conversations increased as we, and those we were sharing with, were invited to communicate differently about our actual states of being.”

2. Give things up. I find that there is a direct correlation between how busy we are and how much we want to force a particular outcome. If we want a project or meeting to go exactly the way we want it, we work harder in the background to advance our agenda. The alternative path is to give up “how” results arise, and then actually let those results just show up.

Lao Tuz said it best: “Practice not doing, and everything will fall into place.”

Imagine this conversation

Question: “So good to see you! How are you? Are you keeping busy?”

Response: “I’m good. These days I’m less focused on being busy and more intent on making progress. And it’s made all the difference. Instead of focusing on how many things I’m doing, I’m concentrating on how many things I’m actually moving ahead. What’s new and exciting in your work and life – and how are you being effective?”

About the guest contributor:

David Lindsay Adams has 20+ years of strategy and business development experience in both Fortune 100 and entrepreneurial ventures. He co-founded The Velo Project to help executives and teams develop productivity habits to accomplish more with freedom and ease. He is also a business development consultant with a passion for international travel that makes a difference. David earned a BA from Northwestern University and an MBA from Thunderbird. He lives in Minneapolis, MN with his wife and 2 children. Learn more about David Lindsay Adams on LinkedIn

Remembering Dick Adams

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Sun, 28 Jun 2015 15:11:00 GMT

On June 18, 2015, I lost a very special client, friend, and mentor, Dick Adams, who died at the young age of 76 after a brief battle with cancer. (Read his obituary)
He is survived by his extraordinary family: wife Pat, (married for 52 years); son David; daughter Beth; and 6 very cool grandchildren. His memorial service was a wonderful experience for all. The stories shared were uplifting, humorous, and healing. It was truly a celebration of life – his life and our lives!

How I met Dick Adams

Dick Adams owned Elisit Solutions, LLC and was one of my very first clients after I launched my consulting business in 2005. I met him at a networking event and we were drawn together after a quirky experiment with my elevator pitch. It reminds me of how important it is to show up at networking events, even if it is uncomfortable or inconvenient. You never know who you are going to meet and how important they may become in your business and in your life.

Dick Adams earned the title of “my favorite client” because of what he did after our first work engagement. He showed up at my house with a bouquet of flowers, a letter of reference, and a bonus check for $257.63. I remember thinking how odd that amount was, but his appreciation of me and the value that I brought to his company were expressed in such an endearing and memorable way. Dick knew how to honor people and make them feel special!

A passion for penguins

Another curious thing about Dick Adams was his love for penguins. In fact, he claimed to have the largest private collection of penguins in the world. He gave me a tour of his collection and I remember being mesmerized by the penguin carving in a grain of rice. Wherever I saw a penguin image anywhere, I bought it for Dick. The last thing I gave him was a package of 10 back-to-school folders with penguins on the covers. He graciously accepted them, but I imagine he was thinking to himself, “What on earth am I going to do with ten of these?”

The last time I saw him

Dick and his wife Pat had decided to move from Connecticut to Minneapolis to be near their children and grandchildren. They planned to drive across the country to make the move even more adventurous.

Knowing that his move was imminent, I called Dick to see if I could drop by one more time to say good bye and good luck. He and Pat were in the final stages of packing up their possessions and closing on the house. I can still see, in my mind’s eye, the boxes, moving truck, protective floor runners, packing tape, etc.

We sat down at his kitchen table and had our final face-to-face chat. I wanted to give him something special, but didn’t want him to have to pack up and haul any more “stuff.” I opted for two gift cards, one from Starbucks and the other a gas card. Both practical and road worthy. I also took a chance and wrapped up a small gemstone with the engraved word, “Faith.” When I presented it to Dick, he burst out in tears. He said, “Faith. That’s what we have been going on. That is what we need. I will carry this in my pocket for the entire trip. Thank you.”

It was a perfect sendoff gift; just what he needed to carry him forth to the next stop on his life’s journey. My only regret is that I didn’t think to take one last picture of the two of us. But I do take solace in that I took the time to go and visit him. How easy it would have been for me to be caught up in the minutiae of daily chores and business.

The last time I heard from him

He called me on my mobile a few weeks later. I was pulling into my driveway after an appointment. My mind was being consumed with thoughts of tasks to be done, pressing deadlines, quarterly taxes….and what the heck were we going to have for dinner anyway? I didn’t recognize his voice at first and then I stopped the car and turned off the engine. It was Dick Adams and something wasn’t right about his voice.

He shared with me the news that he had been diagnosed with Stage IV terminal cancer. It had spread throughout his body. He had just come out of the hospital after nine days of being treated for pneumonia. I was in shock. We both cried. I tried to look on the bright side, but couldn’t find much there. I was honored that he took the time to personally call me and share this news. I can only imagine how difficult that was for him to do.

I took comfort in knowing that he was surrounded by family and would be well supported in the final leg of his journey. I sent him cards and letters and thought of him daily. I cried for my pending loss of this dear friend.

The best way to go

I was honored to be among a large group of caring people who supported Dick in his final transition through the CaringBridge.org web site. His children – David and Beth- did an amazing job of sharing the experience of saying goodbye to someone you love. We were able to get daily updates on his progress, read emotional reflections, and lend our own support through messages sent on the CaringBridge site. (search Dick Adams Journey) Dick’s dying process was so full of dignity, acceptance, and grace. It makes me less afraid of the inevitable transition that we all will face. Death is just part of life.

The final gift was this amazing photo video that his family put together. The first song, “Say what you need to say” is still in my head!

Rest in peace Dick Adams. I will see you again soon. Until then, here’s one more penguin to make you smile. It came from a greeting card that my sister-in-law sent to me. I’m thinking of you, my friend. Enjoy Heaven!

Granting Permission To Invest In Yourself

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Mon, 11 May 2015 20:40:14 GMT

What a week! It’s has been filled with celebration and challenge, success and fear, introspection and self-expression.

In the past seven days, I’ve watched several clients and peers soar to new heights. From the outside looking in, it appears so easy and effortless. But I know that the reality is that it takes a great deal of courage and effort to develop yourself and to create new opportunities.

I also know that giving yourself permission is the first step. You have to make the decision to invest in yourself, no matter how scared you are, no matter how much self-doubt you have, and no matter what other people might think. Logically this seems obvious. Emotionally it’s a huge leap of faith.

Leap frog to the next level

Congratulations go to my client and friend, Rowena Ortiz-Walters who just became the ninth Hispanic-American dean of US business schools. She accepted the position as Dean of SUNY Plattsburgh’s School of Business and Economics in Upstate New York. She is leaving her post as Quinnipiac University Chair of Management. She did a leap frog move to an exciting new leadership position, bypassing the assistant dean position and moving straight into a dean post. I am confident that she will make a truly awesome Dean.

I was honored to serve as her executive career coach to help prepare her to land this new opportunity. And while I take pride in her success, I don’t take credit for it. This is her win. She worked hard for it.

Over our celebratory lunch last week, she filled me in on the details of the final interview, the offer, the acceptance, the reaction of her peers and mentor, and the support of her family.

Perhaps what strikes me most about Rowena’s latest success is her willingness to invest in herself and her future.She believes in herself and her potential. She always came prepared to our coaching sessions. She did the follow up work on time, every time. She was willing to “risk failure,” not knowing for sure if she would secure this new position. She committed to the work, no matter how uncomfortable it might be at times.

When I asked her for feedback on the coaching experience with me, she told me that it was confidence boosting. It helped her learn more about who she was as a leader. She learned how to “put the package together,” and to fully embody herself in the interview process. Then Rowena shared a surprising observation with me. She commented, “I’ve watched you invest in yourself over the years.”

Plan to invest in yourself every year

I shared with Rowena that every year I plan to make at least two investments in my own personal and professional development. Sometimes it takes the form of attending a professional conference, or working with a coach, or even taking singing lessons. I set aside money for such investments. I don’t rely on someone else (like my boss or husband) to fund it for me. After all, it’s my career…my business…and my life.

Of course I want a good return on my investment in myself, so I carefully plan and evaluate my options and opportunities. I’m careful not to buy on impulse. Early bird specials don’t lure me in. I don’t have to buy just because someone calls or emails me out of the blue with an irresistible offer with guaranteed results to grow my business. Remember, spending is different from investing.

I’ve been watching this one for a while

Some years back, my friend Marge Piccini had attended a conference for her own professional development. When she returned, she shared with me some of the resources and knowledge that she had received.

he introduced me to the work of Arthur Samuel Joseph, founder of the Vocal Awareness Institute. Marge loaned me Arthur’s three-CD audio program, Voice of a Leader. I was mesmerized by his voice, his philosophy, his client list, his mastery with words, his insights, and his persona. I have listened to this program at least 5 times, and I have read and gifted many copies of his other books, Vocal Leadership, and Vocal Power. His Work is simply masterful.

Read Arthur’s ten tips to enhance your vocal leadership – Huffington Post

When the opportunity arose to do a 3-hour private coaching session with Arthur in New York City, I decided to go for it. This is one of the investment that I had been thinking about for the past three years. Now was the perfect time to exercise my options. So I bought a round trip bus ticket to New York City and went to The Big Apple last Friday for the coaching session with Arthur. This time, I would be the student. And I wanted to be the perfect student. After all, I had been studying his work for some time.

It was intense. I was excited and terrified all at the same time. It was much easier to understand the vocal awareness method intellectually. It’s a whole other thing experiencing it first hand. Three hours with Arthur flew by, and I learned a great deal about myself and the Work ahead.

Sometimes learning new things means you have to unlearn old things

As a result of his coaching, I became aware of some of the habits that I needed to change. I noticed how my shallow breathing made me run out of air while talking and kept my volume soft. I noticed myself giggling frequently and looking away or closing my eyes during the awkward moments. Arthur gave me feedback on a vocal pattern that I have developed (and that I’ve come to enjoy by the way) of being dramatic in how I phrase things, rather than speaking in a more natural, conversational tone. He encouraged me not to feel pressure to be in “presentation mode” but rather to just be my Self.

Don’t expect perfection

Arthur used a lot of dance and performance metaphors. I had flash backs to when I was in my early thirties taking ballet classes as an adult. I remember the horror that I felt when I saw myself in the mirror trying to do “glissade assemblé.” Unlike the young graceful dancer in this YouTube video, I looked more like a frog leaping for its life. It was so awful that I quit taking ballet lessons shortly thereafter. Isn’t that a sad ending? How unfortunate that I would give up just because I couldn’t do something perfectly the first few times!

Stick with the investment

Then I remembered an important lesson in investing: Stick with it. Just because you are afraid or there is a momentary fluctuation in market performance doesn’t mean you should pull out. You have to understand your “risk tolerance.” Clearly in the ballet class, I had zero risk tolerance and fled at the slightest dip in the market (aka my confidence and ego)

Now, I face the same scenario, only I’m older and wiser. And I also have access to more excuses, like I’m older and wiser. “Excuses are what we use to abdicate responsibilities for our lives, says Arthur Samuel Joseph. (page 38, Vocal Power)

I’ve made the first investment in vocal awareness. Now, am I willing to continue to stick with that investment and see it grow to fruition? Am I willing to risk failure in order to succeed? Do I have the commitment to stick with it through the awkward beginner phrase until I can reach a level of proficiency and eventually mastery?

We’re in this for the long haul

Perhaps we should look at investing in our professional development just as Warren Buffett views investing in the stock market.

When deciding to invest in your career, you have to take the long view. Personal and professional development is not sold on the shelf. It cannot be bought or traded. It is not about instant gratification and immediate reward. It’s work. It’s The Work.

What’s the difference between being a perfectionist and striving for excellence?

As Arthur explained to me in New York City, “the goal is not perfection, but rather excellence.” The focus is not winning, but quality. It’s all about conscious awareness and noticing the subtleties of your work. Vocal Awareness method teaches us a process for creating excellence by working through the medium of voice.

Voice is power

To quote Arthur: “Voice is power. Voice is identity – how we represent ourselves to the world. Having a confident, commanding voice and personality can make the difference between being heard and being ignored.”

I believe that’s worth investing in. What do you think?

The Pain In Campaigning

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Mon, 11 May 2015 20:08:38 GMT

What a week! It’s has been filled with celebration and challenge, success and fear, introspection and self-expression.

In the past seven days, I’ve watched several clients and peers soar to new heights. From the outside looking in, it appears so easy and effortless. But I know that the reality is that it takes a great deal of courage and effort to develop yourself and to create new opportunities.

I also know that giving yourself permission is the first step. You have to make the decision to invest in yourself, no matter how scared you are, no matter how much self-doubt you have, and no matter what other people might think. Logically this seems obvious. Emotionally it’s a huge leap of faith.

Leap frog to the next level

Congratulations go to my client and friend, Rowena Ortiz-Walters who just became the ninth Hispanic-American dean of US business schools. She accepted the position as Dean of SUNY Plattsburgh’s School of Business and Economics in Upstate New York. She is leaving her post as Quinnipiac University Chair of Management. She did a leap frog move to an exciting new leadership position, bypassing the assistant dean position and moving straight into a dean post. I am confident that she will make a truly awesome Dean.

I was honored to serve as her executive career coach to help prepare her to land this new opportunity. And while I take pride in her success, I don’t take credit for it. This is her win. She worked hard for it.

Over our celebratory lunch last week, she filled me in on the details of the final interview, the offer, the acceptance, the reaction of her peers and mentor, and the support of her family.

Perhaps what strikes me most about Rowena’s latest success is her willingness to invest in herself and her future.She believes in herself and her potential. She always came prepared to our coaching sessions. She did the follow up work on time, every time. She was willing to “risk failure,” not knowing for sure if she would secure this new position. She committed to the work, no matter how uncomfortable it might be at times.

When I asked her for feedback on the coaching experience with me, she told me that it was confidence boosting. It helped her learn more about who she was as a leader. She learned how to “put the package together,” and to fully embody herself in the interview process. Then Rowena shared a surprising observation with me. She commented, “ I’ve watched you invest in yourself over the years. ”

Plan to invest in yourself every year

I shared with Rowena that every year I plan to make at least two investments in my own personal and professional development. Sometimes it takes the form of attending a professional conference, or working with a coach, or even taking singing lessons. I set aside money for such investments. I don’t rely on someone else (like my boss or husband) to fund it for me. After all, it’s my career…my business…and my life.

Of course I want a good return on my investment in myself, so I carefully plan and evaluate my options and opportunities. I’m careful not to buy on impulse. Early bird specials don’t lure me in. I don’t have to buy just because someone calls or emails me out of the blue with an irresistible offer with guaranteed results to grow my business. Remember, spending is different from investing.

I’ve been watching this one for a while

Some years back, my friend Marge Piccini had attended a conference for her own professional development. When she returned, she shared with me some of the resources and knowledge that she had received.

She introduced me to the work of Arthur Samuel Joseph, founder of the Vocal Awareness Institute. Marge loaned me Arthur’s three-CD audio program, Voice of a Leader . I was mesmerized by his voice, his philosophy, his client list, his mastery with words, his insights, and his persona. I have listened to this program at least 5 times, and I have read and gifted many copies of his other books, Vocal Leadership, and Vocal Power. His Work is simply masterful.

Read Arthur’s ten tips to enhance your vocal leadership – Huffington Post

When the opportunity arose to do a 3-hour private coaching session with Arthur in New York City, I decided to go for it. This is one of the investment that I had been thinking about for the past three years. Now was the perfect time to exercise my options. So I bought a round trip bus ticket to New York City and went to The Big Apple last Friday for the coaching session with Arthur. This time, I would be the student. And I wanted to be the perfect student. After all, I had been studying his work for some time.

It was intense. I was excited and terrified all at the same time. It was much easier to understand the vocal awareness method intellectually. It’s a whole other thing experiencing it first hand. Three hours with Arthur flew by, and I learned a great deal about myself and the Work ahead.

Sometimes learning new things means you have to unlearn old things

As a result of his coaching, I became aware of some of the habits that I needed to change. I noticed how my shallow breathing made me run out of air while talking and kept my volume soft. I noticed myself giggling frequently and looking away or closing my eyes during the awkward moments. Arthur gave me feedback on a vocal pattern that I have developed (and that I’ve come to enjoy by the way) of being dramatic in how I phrase things, rather than speaking in a more natural, conversational tone. He encouraged me not to feel pressure to be in “presentation mode” but rather to just be my Self.

Don’t expect perfection

Arthur used a lot of dance and performance metaphors. I had flash backs to when I was in my early thirties taking ballet classes as an adult. I remember the horror that I felt when I saw myself in the mirror trying to do “glissade assemblé.” Unlike the young graceful dancer in this YouTube video, I looked more like a frog leaping for its life. It was so awful that I quit taking ballet lessons shortly thereafter. Isn’t that a sad ending? How unfortunate that I would give up just because I couldn’t do something perfectly the first few times!

Stick with the investment

Then I remembered an important lesson in investing: Stick with it. Just because you are afraid or there is a momentary fluctuation in market performance doesn’t mean you should pull out. You have to understand your “risk tolerance.” Clearly in the ballet class, I had zero risk tolerance and fled at the slightest dip in the market (aka my confidence and ego)

Now, I face the same scenario, only I’m older and wiser. And I also have access to more excuses, like I’m older and wiser. “Excuses are what we use to abdicate responsibilities for our lives, says Arthur Samuel Joseph. (page 38, Vocal Power)

I’ve made the first investment in vocal awareness. Now, am I willing to continue to stick with that investment and see it grow to fruition? Am I willing to risk failure in order to succeed? Do I have the commitment to stick with it through the awkward beginner phrase until I can reach a level of proficiency and eventually mastery?

We’re in this for the long haul

Perhaps we should look at investing in our professional development just as Warren Buffett views investing in the stock market.

When deciding to invest in your career, you have to take the long view. Personal and professional development is not sold on the shelf. It cannot be bought or traded. It is not about instant gratification and immediate reward. It’s work. It’s The Work.

What’s the difference between being a perfectionist and striving for excellence?

As Arthur explained to me in New York City, “the goal is not perfection, but rather excellence.” The focus is not winning, but quality. It’s all about conscious awareness and noticing the subtleties of your work. Vocal Awareness method teaches us a process for creating excellence by working through the medium of voice.

Voice is power

To quote Arthur: “Voice is power. Voice is identity – how we represent ourselves to the world. Having a confident, commanding voice and personality can make the difference between being heard and being ignored.”

I believe that’s worth investing in. What do you think?

What's Your Cupcake Strategy For Growing Your Business?

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Mon, 09 Mar 2015 20:26:57 GMT

This month, I celebrate my 10th anniversary of being an entrepreneur and business owner. It’s hard to believe that time has flown by so quickly. This has been the longest job that I’ve ever held in my working life. It is also the very best job that I’ve ever had. I’ve learned so much about myself, about selling and serving, about building a brand, and about creating intellectual property. But mostly I’ve learn gobs about what it takes to build and run a successful business – perhaps the most important lesson of all!

In my 9th year in business, I hired a business coach – Mr. Mark LeBlanc of Small Business Success. Yes, even the coach needs a coach! This was one of the smartest business investments that I have made to date. Too bad I waited so long to get a coach. But I’m making up for lost time….

In a recent coaching session, Mark was helping me to better understand my menu of services. He wanted to identify any gaps and overlaps that might currently exist in my services portfolio. Like many business owners, I can be pretty leery and resistant to the need to disrupt the default in my business practices. Sometimes it takes an objective outsider to help you see what you cannot see.

In effort to open up my mind to new ways of thinking , Mark created a playful analogy of a cupcake. He asked me, “I magine your menu of services is like a cupcake. ” He went on to explain that the cake represents the largest portion of your business (sales or profits), the frosting is the next largest, the sprinkles represent a smaller portion of your business, but they create excitement and buyer interest, and of course, the cherry on top is your client attraction. Few people actually eat the cherry, but they all notice it, and are drawn to it.

BINGO! I was on board. I suddenly got it. The light bulb went on. I could articulate my business offering in a much more focused way. I have used the “cupcake strategy” in my mastermind group, in networking situations, and with clients. It’s an easy “back of the napkin” presentation and people get it quickly.

What are the benefits of knowing your cupcake strategy?

The cupcake strategy is a creative, mind opening, marketing exercise. It’s a way of looking at your business differently. It can help business owners and professionals to better understand what’s most important about their professional offering, whether its B2B products/services, or your employment skills/talents.

I have used the cupcake metaphor to help my strategic partners refer clients to me because they now know more clearly what business I seek and where my expertise lies. The cupcake strategy cuts through all the gobbledygook and blah-blah-blah. It’s a powerful visual tool that can work for you too.

How to create your own cupcake strategy for your business

Your cake. Make no mistake that the cake in your cupcake is the major foundation. Without the cake, all you have is a pile of frosting and sugary sprinkles. The “cake” aspect of your business may not be that sexy, but it is the main driver of your profits. To use another food metaphor, it’s your bread and butter. It sustains you. Never disregard your cake.

To figure out what the “cake” is in your business, look at your P&L or go to your QuickBooks for the prior fiscal year or latest rolling 12 months. Answer these questions:

What’s your primary profit center?
Where do you make the most money?
What “flavors” does it come in? Think menus of services or core offerings.

Your frosting. Everyone loves frosting (especially if you’re a kid at heart), and they will pay for it, too. It makes things sweeter, but you can’t eat too much of it or you’ll get sick to your stomach. There are many different kinds of frosting (or products/service) and it tends to be more visible than the cake part (which lies hidden under the cake liner).

To figure out what the “frosting” is in your business, answer these questions:

What’s your 2nd highest profit center?
What “flavors” does it come in? What subcategories do you offer within this group?

Your sprinkles. Sprinkles can turn an ordinary cupcake into something irresistible. People are drawn to decoration. Sometimes they’ll eat them, other times they will discard them. But without the sprinkles, they may not notice your business. And they’ll pay extra for the sprinkles and adornments. These little extras add more value to your core proposition, but the sprinkles themselves can’t pay the rent or make payroll. They rely on the frosting and the cake to hold them up.

To figure out what the “sprinkles’ in your business are, answer these questions:

What’s your 3rd highest profit center?
What do customers request of you often, but they don’t pay you a lot of money for, however, it can lead to more cake and frosting opportunities?

Your cherry on top. The cherry on top is a metaphor for your client attractor – the WOW factor in your business and/or brand. Personally, I don’t eat commercially produced maraschino cherries (after reading the ingredients in them). Yet, I still like them. I am drawn to the visual allure of a cherry on top. It’s the finishing touch. It calls to you – pick me! People rarely just buy the cherry on top, but it’s a compelling part of why they love you and want to buy your products/services/and expertise.

To understand the cherry on top in your business, answer these questions:

What attracts clients to you?
How are you visible and valuable to them?
How do you stay “front of mind” with them?

What’s my cupcake strategy? After reflecting on the above questions, reviewing my own financial data, and considering what business I’m REALLY in, I have created a pictorial of what I believe my cupcake strategy is. I took the time to color it in….just for fun!

Does your cupcake strategy change over time? Absolutely! But it must be data driven. You must know your numbers and let those ground you in strategy. You have to be honest with yourself about what’s really selling, where you make your money, what your clients want/need, and how well you are are positioned to meet that need. You must resist chasing, out of desperation, every opportunity that comes near you. You cannot be all cupcakes to all things!

This exercise has helped me to see the strengths and weaknesses in my own services/products portfolio. It has given me food for thought about my pricing strategy on some of my products. And it has helped me to more clearly articulate to myself and to others what business I’m really in . It has also helped me understand and pursue the type of new business that will help me grow my business.

I Make An Apology On His Behalf...

Sun, 08 Feb 2015 18:56:45 GMT

I was speaking with a client who recently went through a divorce after a long marriage. Her friends have been telling her that she should be celebrating. She finds herself saddened by the loss. She knows that she needs to let go so that she can move on and create a new future for herself, but it’s hard.

While listening to her, I had to put my “motivator” into check and practice compassionate listening. I took a deep breath, and tried to be fully present for her over the telephone. I wanted to meet her where she was at that moment.

She told me that she had read a helpful article in the Huffington Post. The author, who had also gone through a recent divorce, expressed the healing power of receiving a sincere apology from one’s ex-partner. Not the kind of “I was wrong – you were right” kind of apology, but one from the heart, “I’m sorry that we had to go through this. I hope you are okay. I wish you nothing but happiness in the future,” kind of acknowledgement.

The author of the article, Betsy Ross, draws a clear distinction between sincere apologies intended to heal, and insincere apologies designed to manipulate and influence settlements. Here’s a brief outtake from her article in Huffington Post –The Power of Apology in Divorce

“ I would like to propose a call for increased (genuine) apologies for divorcing spouses. There can be no harm as far as I can see, in heartfelt acknowledgement and responsibility taking with regard to the pain and disappointment brought about by a failed marriage. An “I am sorry for my contributions to the ending of our marriage and I can see how painful this is for you and for our children” can help to open up dialogue and deliberations that might otherwise stall in the face of so much unacknowledged hurt, anger, and sadness. During and after a divorce, a genuine apology can be a healthy step forward towards healing for everyone involved. ”

Sometimes losing your job feels like a divorce

I told my client how I was still waiting for an apology from an old boss who betrayed me some twenty years ago. (who carries grudges?) The result of the betrayal cost me my job and deeply impacted my personal circumstances. For years, I was waiting for him to apologize and to acknowledge how he wrongfully treated me.

We reconnected about five years later, after we were both settled into new jobs. We found a neutral space where we could communicate and talk about the events of the past. The apology that I was seeking never came. I don’t think he was capable of giving one. And I had let go of my need for vindication. Eventually, I apologized to myself and that was that.

Surrogate apology to the rescue

The next thing I know, my wonderful, creative client (the one who went through the divorce) sends me an email with this message in it:

“ I make an apology on his behalf that he regrets treating you so poorly and did so out of fear, envy and something lacking in his spirit that needs to be fixed. He recognizes you are a wonderful person and he needs to shine a light on his own image to figure out why he is not. ”

What I LOVE about this idea, is that if you really need an apology and can’t get it from the right party, get it from a surrogate. Find a way to fulfill your emotional needs so that you can move on. There’s nothing fun or glamorous about getting stuck in the past. It is not your goal to remain bitter and torn based on some painful event in your past. Deep down, you know you need to, and want to, move on. Forgiveness is part of how you can get unstuck.

Ironically, on the day that my client’s divorce became official, my “I Can Do It” daily calendar from HayHouse.com showed this quote.

" I release all things that no longer benefit me: objects, ideas, habits, or relationships. "

Release is one of the many benefits that you receive when you learn to forgive.

Forgiveness will help you feel a deeper sense of freedom and joy in your life. It is a state of enlightenment that can take years to master, but only takes moments to exercise.

Forgiveness is also a powerful force. It can heal nations and neighbors, spouses and colleagues, parents and children…you name it.

The forgiveness process benefits from apologies which are helpful external aids, but they are no substitute for the internal work that is forgiveness. That can only come from within us.

Tribute To Chuck Fontana, Sr.

Kathy@TheFearlessLeader.com (Kathy McAfee) — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 20:33:09 GMT

This has been a sad week for me and my family. My beloved Uncle Chuck Fontana passed away last Thursday, after a short but noble battle against pancreatic cancer.

He was 70 years young, and had just retired this past January following a long and successful career as a sales professional in the medical device industry. He leaves behind his loving wife, Rose Marie (Rosi) of 48 years of marriage, his three children, Chuck Jr., Laura and Matthew, and six fabulous grandchildren.

This photo of him was taken in 2010 in Athens, Greece. I’m so happy he was able to travel and enjoy the world before entering his short-lived retirement.

Grateful for this role model in my life

As I prepared myself for the loss of this special person in my life, I reflected upon all the magical moments that connected us. In addition to my parents, my Uncle Chuck and Aunt Rosi Fontana were instrumental in shaping my self-esteem as a young person. With words of encouragement, sage advice and welcoming hospitality, they helped set me on a path of confident self-expression.

Every kids needs an Uncle Chuck in their life

Growing up, I spent my summer vacations visiting the Fontana family in Southern California. For just 1-2 weeks per year, I received the kind of special treatment that helped me develop into the person that I am. As an uncle, he was unencumbered with the responsibilities of a parent. Uncle Chuck could spoil me and treat me like the grown-up that I would soon become.

He gave me my first sip of coffee. He fixed me up on my first date with a boy. He promised to take me out to a lobster dinner when I turned 16 years old. Through his family values and lifestyle, he underscored the importance of good food, music, physical activity and education in one’s life.

It’s never easy to say goodbye

I was not able to visit with my Uncle Chuck in the last week of his life. I longed to tell him personally how much he had meant in my life. I worried that I wouldn’t get the chance to say my goodbye in person. So on a long airplane ride home to Connecticut, sitting in the middle seat with both armrests claimed by other passengers, I hand wrote a 1,750 word tribute to him on a Hyatt hotel memo pad. The words just poured out onto the paper from my heart, smiling, crying and at times laughing as I captured the many memorable moments.

When I got home, I typed up the essay and then quickly emailed it to his wife and children. It got there just in time – the day before he passed away. Aunt Rosi read my tribute to Uncle Chuck while he lay in the hospice bed at their home. She told me that she cried as she read it to him, sharing my memories of and gratitude for him and all that he did for me growing up.

Dear Reader, I won’t burden you with the entire essay, but I did want to share this special piece of advice that my Uncle Chuck bestowed on me. My hope is that you will take his encouraging words to heart and start living a fully expressed life. Please enjoy this excerpt of my tribute to Chuck Fontana, Sr., a man larger than life.

Tribute to My Uncle Chuck Fontana (excerpt)

Most of all, I will remember the famous expression that Uncle Chuck would share with me more than once; Words that I would carry with me for the rest of my life; A message that at face value might seem trite, cliché or simple flattery. But for me, Uncle Chuck’s words would embed themselves in the foundation of my soul – the very lining of my self-esteem. His words would encourage and liberate me, allowing me to believe in myself enough to realize my full potential.

Uncle Chuck said to me: “ Katherine, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. ”

If you’ve got it, flaunt it. What could this possibly mean? More specifically, why did Uncle Chuck give me this unique instruction?

Was he suggesting that I cast off modesty? Was he giving me permission to show off? Was this a subtle suggestion that I should pursue a performance career, perhaps in acting, dancing, singing, speaking or modeling? What was Uncle Chuck’s intent with this provocative piece of advice?

What I did understand immediately was that Uncle Chuck knew that “I had it.” For how else could I flaunt it? He felt I had the talent and the potential to be someone special – to do something great with my life. He recognized something special in me that I could not see for myself. Like most teenagers, I was riddled with self-doubt and struggling with my identity. Uncle Chuck, along with his wonderful wife and soul mate, Rose Marie, was one of those special influences in my life who confirmed me.

I imagine that they have done that for many other people. What an incredible gift to give.

If you’ve got it, flaunt it. So, what does it mean to “flaunt it??” In my life and career, I have translated the “flaunt it” part as “put yourself out there.” Be bold and courageous enough to share your ideas, gifts and talents with the world.

Uncle Chuck and Aunt Rosi lived that way. They role modeled this philosophy that is akin to the mantra: “Carpe Diem” – seize the day.

Uncle Chuck and Aunt Rosi shored up my back bone and built my resilience, knowing that when you put yourself out there and “flaunt it,” there will be many people who are going to criticize you and judge you harshly. Some people would rather tear you down, than build you up. It’s these sad folks that lack what Uncle Chuck possessed: healthy self-worth and an abundance mentality. Perhaps these people were not lucky enough to have an Uncle Chuck or Aunt Rosi in their lives during their young formative years.

But it’s not too late. You can be an Uncle Chuck in someone else’s life. You can be the great encourager to someone who needs a boost – someone who hasn’t yet discovered how truly remarkable they are; and that they indeed “have it” and can “flaunt it.”

If you’ve got it, flaunt it. That was and will always be the greatest gift that Uncle Chuck gave to me. He loved me. He saw my inner beauty. He believed in me and in my potential. And he gave me permission to fully express it.

Uncle Chuck, I say to you now, as you embark on your next great adventure: You’ve got it. You shared it. You lived it. And Yes! You flaunted it…in loving style! Goodbye my dear, sweet, Uncle Chuck Fontana. Thank you for being a guiding light in my life.

Your loving niece, Kathy

Finally, a poem inspired by Chuck Fontana Sr.:

If You’ve Got it, Flaunt it!

If you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Embrace your uniqueness. See and value your own gifts. Put them out in the world so that they can grow and inspire others. Cast off self-doubt and hesitation, so that you can live a fully expressed life;

If you’ve got it, share it.

We live in an abundant world that is shrouded with scarcity and fear. Trust that when you share all that you have, you will be richly rewarded. It matters not how you share it – through philanthropy, small acts of kindness, or encouraging words – only that you do share what you have with others;

If you’ve got it, celebrate it.

Cast off the guilt and obligation that keeps you consumed in the busy-ness of your daily life. Invest your time in treasuring all that you are and all that you have. Be fully present in the moments that make up your life;

If you’ve got it, live it.

Find your passion. Define your purpose and start living your personal mission. You can meet your needs and satisfy your soul, while also being an instrument that motivates others to live more meaningful and joyful lives;

If you’ve got it, let it go.

And when your time has reached its end, trust that you have done what you came here to do. Your love and light have changed the lives of others that you cared about. And what could be more meaningful?